Consequence

Give me your light, your life, your consequence 

All witnesses be damned

I am sure I could be jealous,

But you wouldn't understand

It's a virtual explosion

a chaos of the mind

There's a fear for when it's over

our souls will just collide 

I'm not lost, or found, or falling

just existing, here, in space

suspended in this moment

a solid form to be displaced 

A lucid essence of a whisper

a quiet silence of the mind

that results in just a shiver 

like a life passing you by 

Oh, I've seen the way you know it

the openness and pain

the arrogant approach 

to a world caught in the wake

Tell me, tell me, tell me,

No, yet, show me with your mind,

is the picture finally clear now?

Or, did I just leave you behind?

Dregs

Yesterday's cold coffee, and bags under my eyes
I wish I didn't think of you, and I still just want to cry

it's not like we were something, I just miss you in my life

and the thought that I'm no more to you than these dregs of cold caffeine

a slight but stagnant memory of what maybe could have been

but, yet, never fully was

a feeling I'm consumed by

while you,

you just move on

god, if I don't hate you

or want to anyway

I can't believe you let me think

I mattered

Ha, okay

how dumb to see the signals

the signs in glaring lights

you never saw me as a person

you just saw me as a slight

and hopeful feeling 

a possibility 

a glance

and now I drink cold coffee

and wish we had a chance

just a few dregs, that's all that's left

Doldrums

I just wish I didn't miss you.

How it occupies my brain.

One minute I am working,

the next you're on my mind.

Like a slowly seeping cancer 

just one thought and then a stream

of love and loss and loneliness

of hope and pain and dreams.

In a way, I think I hate you

for treating me this way

In another, I'm the villain.

Would it have been different,

if I stayed? 

Now I'm standing at the presuppose 

of a river soon to fork.

Should I flow down the stream

you stand near?

Or should I choose a different course?

Does it even really matter?

The choice has to be for me.

But, god, would I be lying 

if I told you my heart has given up,

that my brain is not relentlessly stuck

on the thought of you and me.

Perhaps, we will be shadows

passing through the night.

I'll see you on the sidewalk,

smile and walk by.

Or maybe you're my future. 

Only time will tell, 

but, damnit, in the meantime

if this feeling isn't hell.

Your God

I believe in your god in the morning

But, at night, he's just too far away 

I can't see his light through the darkness

can't hear his voice in the crowd

Tomorrow could be different

But tomorrow, I'll be out

of tears, and lies, and tragedies 

How I could use that god right now

Can you send up a prayer to him?

Ask him what he sees

a sinner in the darkness

a wretch begging on her knees

Does he want to grant salvation?

Is it even his to grant?

The flicker of the savior

seems so damn far into the past

Release

Cut your teeth on this leather, 

It's too dead to bleed

You said you wanted sympathy 

But what was it that you need? 

Fuck it. Aren't you tired?

of sitting on your knees,

Your head can't get much higher

Your begging makes you weak

Tell me it's a triumph 

Watching my concious fall

Tell me it's a miracle

That you even came at all 

I can see the perspiration

forming on your brow

But instead of looking tired,

You seem more fierce somehow

and yet, and yet,

your crying 

The tears don't reach the ground

Is this really an expression

Or are you just holding on too tight 

release, release, just lose it

I want to see you bleed

Show me that there's more to you

than this person on their knees

I'm not here to find an answer

Either you have it or you don't 

But as you start to quiver,

I do worry that you won't 

It's a rude amalgamation 

a collection of odd parts

a very strange beginning, 

I should have guessed this from the start

Cadaver

Forget your affirmations

You're a criminal, denied

I see the way you slit me open

Even if it was just in my mind

I've been bleeding out on the table

My guts litter the floor

You are standing over me

All my blood, you just ignore

Though it's sticky on your fingers

Does it smell like bittersweet?

Did you really forget? 

That's the way you treated me.

Like I was a cadaver, 

just a hunk of rotting meat. 

You smile and you call me.

"How's your day?"

"How have you been?"

I've been on a fucking rampage.

"Oh, I'm fine."

I'm just dying deep within.

And I think I swear 

I want your love

Though it's brash 

And it is cold

There's some part of you, 

I'm fighting for

That is worth this feeling 

no?

Musings

I miss you so much, my teeth hurt.

Perhaps, I'm just clenching my jaw

But, I swear you took a scalpel,

cut me open, left me raw.

Is it really you I'm missing?

Or the loss of what could have been?

Was it merely an idea, 

The reality unperceived 

or the knowledge that you never

could imagine loving me?

Fuck. My knees are shaking, 

I swore I wouldn't cry.

But you're just standing there, 

palms up, in the background of my mind.

I want to yell and scream at you, 

to demand you say you care.

But, I can't make you materialize 

something that was never really there. 

Did I fancy I was special?

Imagine we were great?

Invoke a hopeful premonition

of the life we both could make?

Typically, I'm better,

at dismissing musings as just that,

yet, this time I could see it

and still it just fell flat. 

Do you know how hard it is,

for me, to let somebody in?

I don't give my heart so easily, 

always drifting with the wind. 

No, I never fully gave it, 

always one foot out the door,

but you almost made me think, 

you'd be worth the fear of

stepping closer once more.