Treading Water

Mom this is for you. It was too long to text message and easier to write than say, but I hope it helps! : )

Mom: "at what point does a person perpetually treading water justifiably run out of gas or find they have been treading for all the wrong reasons.."

I don't know the answers, being a water treader myself, but I know one thing about treading water...
and that is: while it works sufficiently to keep one's head above water, it sure as hell doesn't do much for moving forward.

That's why I suggest a goal, a life boat, maybe off in the distance.. But something tangible you can see.

In running, when the Finnish Line is in sight, you speed up.. you find more power in your legs than you thought you had.. You move forward.

I know you said your worried you've been treading for all the wrong reasons. Maybe you have. Maybe the solid ground your reaching before below you is no longer there. Maybe it never was. But the reality is, you need to find something to swim toward.. a reason to stop treading. Hopefully in the struggle a life boat will come, or a floaty at the very least...

and who knows what that will be. I was thinking about it today, and the lifeboats that end up rescuing us are often things, people, instances that we never expect. And the things we learn while treading are what makes us who we are.

Emma and I went to see Riane's new baby girl Lochlyn on Thursday.. soo cute.. but her dad said something that really hit me. Even though Riane's situation was not what she had planned or what she necessarily wanted for her life at this time, Lochlyn really brought her family together.

Her dad came upstairs and looking at his daughter holding his granddaughter, smiled, and said, "You never know what you need until you have it."

That's true. It's hard to see what you need, what will save you, what is keeping you going.. the right reasons if you will.. until they are there. You don't know who you will love until you love them, how you will feel until you feel it, or where you will go until your there..

What we do, what we need, and who we are all make life what it is. And in the midst of the struggle, I feel a lot of things come up and end up being more important than we ever realized.

Like, when you were sick. That was a terrible terrible time in our lives. I know i was not the one who was sick and cannot fully understand how you felt in that position, but i was there and i felt the pain, the worry, the hardship. I went to school everyday and bed every night afraid i would loose you... and so much more happened during those years.. things that tear and break a person. But I tell ya what, we made it through. We kicked those hard ships ass and we made it out. And though a lot was torn and broken.. a lot was made.

I would not be the independent person of today or have the striking bond with you that we have now if those things had never happened. I wish they didn't, I really do.. but even when i remember the hard parts.. i remeber the other things too.

The fat ferrets, the bath tube talks, you teaching me to cook, pulling together as a unit, getting "bubble yum" as a city capital when studying with you in your bed...

Though it made my heart hurt to see you walking with your feeding tube bag.. at the same time, I thought--"That's my mom. That's my mom and she can do anything."

and you can.

I know the water's choppy. I know the lifeboat is hard to see. I know your tired. But Mom, you are one of the strongest people I know. The reason you got better was because you set your goal and you did it. You decided you were going to. You had a lifeboat to swim toward. It was far away and a hard trip. But you did it, and you can do it again.

You can do anything.

You just have to stop treading and swim.

And I love you.

Geting Myself Ready to Run

So at the meet in Iowa today i was trying to pump myself up for the 5k.. I've realized that the more relaxed i am the better i do. I just seem to tense up and run poorly when I over think about it.
Racing, or getting ready for any type of competition is a process and each person has their own things and way of doing them. In high school I used to have to wear lucky lady bug underwear, eat salmon and knoccie or at least some type of pasta the night before, eat peanut butter and jelly on a bagel the morning off, and always wear a blue sports bra.
Now, in college, I am still finding my niches, or at least have less of them. I still find myself doing the bagel thing at least some time that day, but peanut butter and cereal sometimes works in the morning if i use soy milk, i have lucky asic socks, and i wear my black nike sports bra... But what i'm getting at here, is that everyone has a thing. For some its food choices, song choices, quotes in there wallets, sayings.. etc.
Today, I found myself hiding in the locker room and tying a note to myself. Here it is:

Dear me,
Think positive, for only you are your enemy. If you believe you can't, you won't, so always believe you can...It can't hurt. Be there, be present, think fast, but RELAX.. find YOUR pace, stick with it.. see it, feel it, decide it, do it.. Don't blow out, don't worry you will.. 1. 2. 3. Go!
No one does it like you... Your a winner, you only win for yourself.. No one else is there, just you and only you can let yourself down. Build up, be strong, go after it. Don't give in, don't slow down.. It's your race, you chose it, you choose it... GO DO IT!!
Love,
Yourself <3

like to tell you

i would like to tell you, this is an exception
that this week is just one of the busy ones..
later i will have more time.
i would like to tell you i won't sign up for something else..
that i will make more time for you,
i'll call more often
i'll be around.
i would like to tell you i am going to take time for myself.
that i will learn to relax,
life won't be so hectic.
i would like to tell you a lot of things..
unfortunately,
i have to tell the truth.

Faces and Places

Old Friends, New Places
Old Grounds, New Faces
some will stop and some will go.
Some you never get to know.
Time is like your enemy.
Take it slowly..
watch it leave.
Maybe we will meet again.
Some where new, still old friends.
As the wind blows us away.
Face in memory still remains.
How much do we really know.
Who in time we watch grow old.
I hope as days pass into years.
Familiarity always appears.
old friends, new places.
old grounds, new faces.