No one ever tells you who you are or what you want. No one ever will.
I have by no means figured out what the meaning of this whole daunting existence is, but I think the key factor is finding out thy true self.
Maybe it's God or Allah or, hell, even the cosmos; I haven't a clue, but something up there pushes, us, directs us, and throws us through life like a tanaumbomb. We get doors, these options, ideas; if you will, then we choose. Choose our own path for one reason or another and on that path find another door, like where we're going... Or say, "the hell with this,"and jump ship.
I think I'm about to jump ship. I think...bull shit, Eden! I know I'm about to jump ship; jump ship into murky dark water. I don't know which ways up or down or sideways, let alone what on earth I want. I just know I WANT, I MISS, I NEED... something. And quite frankly, I don't think I'll ever find it here.
I need that fire that burns inside me and makes me, well, me. The only thing that's ever set me apart from all the other existence in the world. I seem to have lost my light. Lost that eternal spark that draws in sexy men's attention and old ladies smiles, that edge that sends me on great adventures and sets me free into untamed territory
... and GOD DAMMIT, I want it back. I want to feel free when I run and feel like I am doing something for me. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's dumb, maybe I am a little stupid person after all. BUT, I just want to feel free and not trapped. I just need to do something completely and totally because I want to and feel... well... feel right about it.
Maybe I never will... maybe that spark is gone. But I don't think so. I feel like kindling in a damp dark place of my inner ether. I sense it begging to be free.
I thought I was making the right choice in trying on a new hat. The love hat. I thought if I followed that path of chasing someone that maybe just maybe, I would evolve into someone who could love and was worthy of love. Maybe that inner need for family and security would kick in and I would want to settle down, be domesticated, become the person I think I ought to be... maybe...
Nope.
No go.
Still me.
Just feeling trapped.
I'm not trapped; I know its a mental cage. I know I could pursue my goals here, and quite possibly attain them, to some degree. Unfortunately, I think I know deep down that I am not here for me, and thus, I have hit a wall. I cannot fit in the confines of someone else's life. I want to; no, really, I do. BUT I am not functioning here. I cannot be in a box. I need to set my own confines; or better, yet, fuck confines, I need to set my own expanse. I do not operate within a box. I create the box. I destroy the box.
I want to make it in this life. I want to be the good woman that deep down I have always felt I should be. I want to...
but I'm not...
...and, quite frankly, I never will be.
I think I am finally realizing, that I'm okay with that.
I might be selfish and eccentric and outside the box. I might blur the lines and make my own rules, and that might be wrong.
But that's who I am.
I miss her.
I miss me.
I'm ready to be me again.
