Secrets

 I like having a secret. I do. It doesn't have to be a big thing or really anything at all, just something small.

"Wouldn't it be nice to be totally open with someone?" she asks.

"No," I think. No. No, I can't imagine that. For one person to see in every depth, in every hollow, to reach out and pull in the bottoms of my soul. The idea makes me cringe, it threatens my independence somehow. I like to be unknown. I like when someone can't fully figure me out. It's what makes me interesting... I think. 

Can you imagine sharing your inner turbulence? Your scrutiny? The crazy things you day dream? The way you long to feel wanted, and cry to sad songs, and dream of lost lovers, and laugh uncontrollably, all in the arms of someone who sees you and yet never can know all there is to be known... 

No... 

How can you possibly communicate the reason you are crying alone in the driveway, again... when you don't know yourself? How can you whisper secrets hidden so deep, that even you must unlock boxes, find hidden keys, fight demons.... No. No No No. 

Secrets. Secretes are easy. Secrets are safe. Secretes are things that maybe, one day, could be known. 

But, they won't. Unless you decide. 

If nothing else... A secret is something you can control.

And yet... and yet... 

How I do long to be known.

The National

Do you like The National?

Or, is it too pretentious.  

I've watched their Tiny Desk 

over and over...

 

Drinking Pink Rabbits

 

"You didn't see me I was falling apart
I was a television version of a person with a broken heart"

 

I almost sent it to you

the song

from the start

but, I was worried 

like me... 

 

It might break your heart 

 

"Old sad dads"

the comments said

maybe, so

 

But, man, those 

old sad dads

they can have my soul

The National

 

Anyway, 

I just thought you 

ought to know

 

When I am 

"sitting in my thinking chair

drinking pink rabbits"

You are

the one I think about

"You didn't see me I was falling apart
I was a television version of a person with a broken heart"

 

"A white girl in a crowd of white girls in the park"

You didn't see me

I was falling apart

Rest softly, 

little rabbit

on my broken heart

You're Rob you are

I'm re-watching High Fidelity

The Zoe Kravitz version

I keep thinking I'm Rob

but maybe less of an asshole

 

But, I'm not Rob. 

You're Rob.

It's you.

 

Dark and stormy

too cool for school

kind of ass hole

 

and I love you any way

 

maybe

either way.

 

Second time

 

and I wrote you a letter

and I don't know how 

to drop it off

 

should I cut my hair

do I mean it?

does it matter?

 

People who are

desperately in love  

Why am I never

desperstley in love?

until its too late 

anyway

second time

and its too late 

and I'm kind of an asshole

anyway

 

 

Spin me around one more time

May I have this dance?

Take my hand

it might be our one 

last chance

spin me around

too fast to see

You remind me of who

I might rather be

hold me close

Your sent your smell

your heart beat loud

we might as well

remember times

when we were one

your hand in mine

is it really done

just move your hand

I can't I can't 

and as I leave 

your eyes

I understand 

too many lies

too many cries

too many hopes

too many byes

but maybe maybe

those things won't matter

not this time

he holds me close

kisses my forehead

I feel the warmth

yet, in my head

I picture you

those swimming pool eyes

it was my fault 

I said goodbye

and yet and yet

 

spin me around

just one more time

 

this time,

I promise 

to stay by your side

 

just one more time 

give me a try  

This, too, must go.

Don't you think it's visceral?  

This silence that surrounds.

Like a tiny whisper speaking 

in the midst of heavy sound.

 

Don't you find it piercing? 

Does it not rattle 

through your brain?

An earth shattering reduction,

a shift to move terrains.

 

Can't you see the silence?

Rippling within,

punctured by the violence,

no longer held within. 

Oh, if it's not breaking,

the reality we know.

The foundation is shaking

society, lost it's hold.

This, too, my love

must go.

Today

Today...

 

I cut myself with a butter knife. 

I always heard the dullest knives were the most dangerous...

but, really!? A BUTTER knife. Why!?

I sneezed and spilled my coffee.

All over my boots. 

That's what I get for filling it too full. 

 

I shook my canned latte

that I bought at Trader Joes

Guess what?

It exploded 

All over my car cup holders.

 

Stepped in dog poop

in my Fry Boots

Saw them on the porch today

still sitting in the rain

 

Ya know what is 

one of the hardest things you'll ever do?

Clean dog poop off your handmade shoe. 

 

Okay, today was kind of rough. 

The odds were not with me.

But, if you can take on little stuff.

You can take on anything. 

Dog Brain

What I need is a million tiny seconds 

all captured into one

A cacophony of meaning

BAM! 

Then, it is done.

I'm laughing in the corner

I'm crying on the stairs 

I swear I couldn't see you

Until, you were no longer there 

Jesus Jesus Jesus 

Or whoever you are

teach me how to see the light

before it turns to dark

I cannot find the switch 

to turn the fucker off

and in this distant saddness 

I think I just forgot 

like glow worms in a dark cave

tiny incremental thoughts 

I'm supposed to be writing essays 

clearly I am not

oh, seriously dog brain

the deepness

turn it 

OFF! 

 

I

I procrastinate and drink too much beer. 

I don't eat dinner until 10 pm, and I'm addicted to running.

I wear too many colors and can't end conversations.

I'm very indecisive, and I overthink the smallest things.

I never want a hamburger, and I mostly live on chocolate and cheese. 

I am go with the flow until I mean it, and then I won't give in on anything.

I'm always chasing dreams, and they are often too obscure and too big.

I don't know how to sit still, until I'm fast asleep.

I like dresses in the summer time and crazy colored jeans.

I brush my teeth in the shower, and I'm nostalgic for memories. 

I want to hike all the mountains and swim in all the seas.

I need to feel alive, in every part of me. 

I never want to waist the sunshine, and cry at dad stories.

I prefer cats to dogs and my independence is misleading.

I am way too empathetic, yet struggle with feelings.

I always strike up deep conversations and laugh outrageously.

 

I have a lot of imperfections.

I can't promise they'll improve.

I'll always sleep past my alarm.

I'll always hit the snooze.

 

I know you have moved on, now

...and maybe, I should too.

 

But, it turns out, just as this is me...

 

I will always be in love with you. 

 

 

 

 

Loud

what I want is vibrance

give me a cacophony of sound 

what I need is music 

I need it, I want it

loud, loud, loud 

don't you dare hesitate

I need to see it, see it now

you call that a conviction 

I see that snake crawl out your mouth 

make it a religion

turn your heroes into gods 

I don't believe in your conviction

I need to feel it, all around 

I need to hear it

loud, loud, loud

is it me that's screaming? 

while the rain comes pouring down

see my skin is luminescent

shinning brighter, now

Is this enough for you?

as the sky comes falling down

why do you just stand there

oh, you're silent, how?

 

open up your damn mouth

yell it to me 

let me hear it

loud, LOud, LOUD 

 

The Take

All you ever wanted 

looks lackluster from here

see the green fields in the distance

until the haze, it clears

featuring a desert

sand and grey and tears

a barren endless wasteland

complete with all 

your fears

 

Maybe it's the dreaming

that makes you lie awake

the search for inner meaning

the give the give 

the take

 

I don't know if you can change it

your lost and weary soul

that wandering inner ache

you never can let go

escape escape escape

someday you might know

 

Wake up, there he is again

 images

that face

damit damit damit

why did you go away

lost in dreams

you'll never reach

in a want 

you can't escape

 

feel it feel it

presure

your heart

it throbs and aches

maybe this is just

life

the give the give

the take

 

somewhere in the distance

maybe there's a place 

to spin and spin and lie down

and truly feel 

at peace 

escape escape 

escape  

the give

the give

the take

 

Silhouettes

I don't want to love you
I want to be in love with you
radiate
heat
off the silhouettes
of epic
star gazers

high so high
up in the sky
that the depths
of the sea
can't touch them

I want to know what
it's like
to taste those depths
so clean
and clear
that even the stars
can't touch them

I want to know what
it's like
to feel the very essence
of the wind
filter through
the trees
billowing

I want to know what
it's like to touch
the god you
don't believe in
I want to know what
it's like to
touch the god
I don't believe in 

I want to feel it
be it
embrace it
all

crying softly
spinning rapidly
oh god
oh god
oh god
why me

too close for comfort
to far to be
unseen

I want to know
I want to know
I want to know
what it's like

free

Sky

I throw on a shirt
your mom got for me
and think of the sky
how lonely it must be...

The sun and moon
they stay for a while
but, ultimately
they must leave

Does it know
on clear days,
with the sun
on my face
it is the most alone?

Or, does the sun
replace
the clouds, moon, stars
and all of space

Is the sun
it's home?

Oh, god,
if only,
if only,
we could know.

Does it cry
on rainy days?

Does humidity
coddle it
in some
sweet way?

If I asked it,
sky...
What would
it say?

I change to a dress
I bought myself
too much money
but, pockets
cotton

it doesn't help

Sunshine
on my face
not a cloud
in sight

The world's on fire
does it know?
sky...
Or, has the sun,
blocked all the tears,
the pain,
down here,
inside...

Might just lay
in this feild
and cry
pray, maybe
at least
the sky's
alright

Wipe my tears
walk home
it's fine

flowers in
my pockets
fucking pockets
full of memories
of better times
when I was yours
and you were mine

Are they real?
or, some sad way
of saying goodbye?

Are you my sun?
Or, are you my night?

I don't know.
I don't remember why .
I hope the sky's alright.
The humidity, may
coddle us both
tonight.

Half Way

filling
the back of your throat
water, air
something thicker
deep and low
rising somewhere
within

I'm the hanging stick
on a fishline
suspended
no longer attached
but, too high to drop
into the water
detached
hanging
yet, afraid to let go

water
rising
in my throat
like a wave
one minute
I smile, it's a nice day
the next
no breath
tears roll
down my face

will it always be this way?
suspended
holding on
so close
and yet so far away

I detach
and yet,
my heart
it still stays

Like Vermouth

I'm listening to the track you posted
in hopes for a spot light
into your mind

it doesn't get me anywhere
just reminds me
that it's music
I don't really like

but, I try
I imagine sitting on the couch
drinking cocktails with you
orange peal and vermouth

you love this song
I smile
I wish I had been
better to you

I wish I had
been better
to you

Pent up
all this love
for you
and like this song

so many beats
my pattern went
askew
sometimes a happy melody
other's a clanking wild tune

Like the flavor
of vermouth
rough
yet smooth
on the way down

why do I miss you
like vermouth
listening to songs
trying to get to you

I always loved you
I just didn't know what to do
can I love you?
and be me, too?

Rough?
Like vermouth