Butter

If it had a taste,

it would taste like butter

If it had a sound,

it would reverberate

If you could see it, 

visualize, 

it would be a cosmic echo

streaking across the sky

If I could hold it in my hand, 

it would be fluid

It would feel like the water 

in a cloud

too heavy to let go

too light to hold down

I think that it would lift me

straight up off the ground

I would become its lightning 

a fire in a sound

and yet the taste

of butter 

would surely

bring me straight back down

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it now? 

Nov. 2014

When searching for a taxi receipt, I stumbled upon this email that I wrote to myself on my way home from New Zealand. After choosing to break up with the person I loved, return home, and start over with no idea where to go, I flew through Fiji on the way home feeling lost, heartbroken, scared, and so fucking alive. It made me smile and cry... 

Reading it reminded me that no matter how much I grow and change, I am still the same weird lil' person at the end of the day. Sometimes it's lonely, other times it's sad, but it's often in those moments that I feel the most uniquely me... Those vulnerable hard moments, when I choose the path less traveled when I realize that I always will, and despite the tears, that's the only way I know how to be. 

Perhaps one day I won't feel so odd, but I doubt it. Some people just aren't made for boxes, definitions, and ceilings. Some people define their own path, a fluid one. I hope one day to feel less sad and less lonely, but never will I give up that feeling of being alive. Not ever. I can be sad and lonely, but I can't be someone who isn't me. Someone who isn't free. 

The email - Dated Nov. 8, 2014: 

I arrived in Fiji. Sad, alone, and knowing absolutely fucking nothing about the place. When I found the hostel taxi, and arrived at the hotel, naturally; I went exploring. Which of course led me to meet a Fijian night guard called Bruce who seemed fascinated that I was out "wondering" and not wanting to go to a nightclub, and that I was only staying in Fiji for one night. Personally, I think Bruce found me pretty entertaining because he took me through a weird sneaky passageway to the beach and asked for my email. Anyway, I went to walk on the beach after some awkward conversating about Fiji and things like, 

"is it safe to walk on the beach alone?" 

"Safe?"

"Like, no one will kill you..."

"Oh yes!!! Fiji very safe. Good people, friendly. 30 minutes around, no one will kill you."

"Oh good. I think I'll walk on the beach then."

Not sure why, but no one walks on the beach at night, well, no one except weird lil' me. So it came to be that Eden again is doing something weird and running down the beach at night in Fiji in a skirt with her shoes in her hands. Something I would have thought would be a popular activity, but no. Once again alone in the world... But man, I finally felt like me.

God Damn.

He tells me that he misses me

and I feel myself retract.

He tells me once I come close, 

I immediately pull back. 

I tell myself it's nothing,

I'm just a little cold. 

I never miss anyone, 

I am just fine on my own.

But, that is a lie, isn't it?

Yes, it is untrue.

Tell me how I know this?

Because, by God, do I miss you.

I miss you when I wake up,

and when I fall asleep. 

Sometimes, I forget to miss you... 

Just to remember

does that make the heart ache.

So maybe I am broken

or a scattering of sorts

bits of  tiny pieces

that can't seem to find a place

Yet, I think they'd come together

if you took me in your arms

if you told me that you loved me

reminded me what's ours'

But you won't do that

will you?

no.

and, that

that is my fault

For when I did have you...

Fuck

I just ripped you apart

God, damn 

God, God damn

a broken heart 

Wind

Will I miss you from a distance?

In some far off remote 

time is of the essence

yet it grows and grows

behind the answers 

dwindle like dust into 

the wind it goes forever

caring my heart 

with it

Won't you read this 

on a Friday and wonder

if it's still you that

my heart pines far 

even though, I made

the move for both of us

to loneliness and longing, 

am I destined for it?

Oh god, how I do

miss you

every night and 

every morning 

and every time the 

damn wind 

blows 

Just me

May I have your attention! 

I am not who you thought I would be. 

I swear I swear

Don't you see

Don't you see

As I stand exactly, 

where you thought I should be.

How many past selves?

How many are we?

Will we ever not miss

who it was we used to be

I swear, I'm still me

He says, "Your confusing"

He says, "I can't figure you out"

"Predictably unpredictable"

Unsurprising, of course

Just stop 

Stop asking for more.

I wasn't it

what you're looking for

but, that's not the problem is it?

No, no, 

the problem is me.

You'll be back again you see

I may not be much 

but, I'm the only me

It's a lonely ride 

being honest

with yourself 

secrets secrets

on the shelf 

It's a closed door

and open casket

you see

it's a short chapter in closed book

and enticing line 

with no look 

What is it you would like to see?

I have a feeling it is not

the real me

As I sit in front of you

naked as the sea

and I watch you look 

strait through me

No, no, now I see

I am not who you thought 

I would be 

And yet, I am still

exactly me 

In the flesh

prickled by the breeze

love me love me

let me be

But, alas, in light you will see

despite your efforts

I am still me

I am not who you thought I'd be

no, no,

I am just me

A Farewell to a Past Self

She doesn’t ask me to leave,

She asks to to stay

Too long 

With too little movement

I watch the sun fade

Blue skies to grey

And never once 

Do I remember her name

Yet, the smell of her 

Perfume

Haunts me

Perhaps it was the way 

The air felt

The sudden breeze

From above

That ruffled the skirts 

Of who she once was

And tore away the facade 

Maybe the distant rain coming

Or the lightning that 

flashed in her eyes

But, I knew I’d never

See her again

The moment I told

Her good bye 

What an innocent dolly

She once was

What a behaved little soul

Now I keep her safe 

In my locket 

A piece that I’ll never let go

Though the pulse of her 

Heart will forever

Be the voice 

That sings 

Through my bones

The keeper of all inner music

The silence of a past

Lover’s ghost 

How I long to unknown

The secrets that girl 

Must behold 

With that voice

That signs through 

My bones