When searching for a taxi receipt, I stumbled upon this email that I wrote to myself on my way home from New Zealand. After choosing to break up with the person I loved, return home, and start over with no idea where to go, I flew through Fiji on the way home feeling lost, heartbroken, scared, and so fucking alive. It made me smile and cry...
Reading it reminded me that no matter how much I grow and change, I am still the same weird lil' person at the end of the day. Sometimes it's lonely, other times it's sad, but it's often in those moments that I feel the most uniquely me... Those vulnerable hard moments, when I choose the path less traveled when I realize that I always will, and despite the tears, that's the only way I know how to be.
Perhaps one day I won't feel so odd, but I doubt it. Some people just aren't made for boxes, definitions, and ceilings. Some people define their own path, a fluid one. I hope one day to feel less sad and less lonely, but never will I give up that feeling of being alive. Not ever. I can be sad and lonely, but I can't be someone who isn't me. Someone who isn't free.
The email - Dated Nov. 8, 2014:
I arrived in Fiji. Sad, alone, and knowing absolutely fucking nothing about the place. When I found the hostel taxi, and arrived at the hotel, naturally; I went exploring. Which of course led me to meet a Fijian night guard called Bruce who seemed fascinated that I was out "wondering" and not wanting to go to a nightclub, and that I was only staying in Fiji for one night. Personally, I think Bruce found me pretty entertaining because he took me through a weird sneaky passageway to the beach and asked for my email. Anyway, I went to walk on the beach after some awkward conversating about Fiji and things like,
