Audacity

She readies herself for the blow

the punch to her heart and soul

last time, she had the audacity to hope

this time, she won't

Maybe

Turn that "c" into a "w"

if you "could" you "would" 

you won't 

I'm not interested in what you 

might do

All I see is what 

you don't 

Is this keeping me at arm's length?

laying next to me in bed?

Telling me you're not mine

while you stroke my pretty head

You say you want to love me

but, for what is wanting, well

to want is lacking something 

the will to know

to tell 

to change the script

could love you, but

would love you, but

you don't 

could be there, 

would be there, 

but

you won't

tell me, tell me, tell me

not what I want to hear

don't pepper me with maybes

when wills cannot be clear

I see through the lacquer 

to the color beneath 

and if it isn't "yes" 

well, then it's "no"

my dear.

Escape

I don't cut you open,

and you don't ask me why.

You ask if you can come over, 

and we pretend that it's just to say "hi."

There's the weight of the world on your shoulders, 

there's a deep sadness in my eyes, 

yet we laugh, and we don't talk about it, 

in the morning, we just say 

"goodbye." 

It's not love, it's not lust, 

it's just comfort,

a body to hold next to mine.

I don't think you're the one that I wanted, 

and let's not be fooled - for you

neither am I.

But, you lay with your head on my stomach,

and I hold your hand in mine, 

and well, just for a minute, dear

we don't care that much about why. 

It's the little and subtle reminders, 

that there's a light in the darkness of life.

The hesitant taste of tomorrow, 

can be left in the wake for the night. 

We all know they write songs about it, 

that release from the pain in your head, 

those tiny irreveracable moments 

where you choose to feel nothing instead.

There are so many questions to answer, 

the responses will, hurt and will heal,

but those things can wait till tomorrow,

as we giggle about things that aren't real.

It's gaps in the sooths of the silence,

it's the gasp in the touch of your face, 

in a world that seems coated in violence, 

won't you lay here and be my escape. 

Unapologetically.

You don't think you get to love me with the lights on,

and I don't think you get to love me with them off.

I am not 100% sure who you want to be,

but I am 100% sure who you're not.

You think you can tease me for trying.

You think you can make me get off.

I'm not convinced that you're lying,

but I sure as hell know that you're wrong.

There's a hole in the floor of the attack,

and I found your diary there.

It was filled with a fuck ton of static,

but the truth in the irony... scarce.

I don't know where you think we are going,

I don't know if you think I will join,

but I know in the light of the morning

I will want more than this half-hearted joy. 

It's a deep dark sense of foreboding, 

that haunts me awake and asleep.

As I curl up next to you hoping, 

that one day you might actually see

that the girl in the room here with you

is not who you hoped she would be

that she'll never mold into something

that is more than unapologetically me. 

Let her win

There’s coffee in her motherboard
And there’s whisky in her skin
I’d have cleaned out her intestines, 
But they are just too god damn’d thin

She’s been smiling at the devil

She’s been winking at the man

He followed her to the bathroom, 

And I think he let her win

Did you see her eyes, 

So brilliant 

Is that hope, or love, or greed

Where the hell’d she get that spirit

God, will it, I’ll never know

I think the sun is hiding

From her stubborn angry soul

I saw it come out to tan

And instead meet the moon glow

God, let me let her go

There’s coffee in her motherboard

It must be on fritz, 

For she just started dancing 

And told them all to go eat shit 

There’s whisky in her skin

I see it leaking from her pours

But, wow the smells intoxicating

I just want to let her in

Now I see her dancing,

I think she doesn’t care 

She gave up all she ever wanted

And then said, fuck it, I'm not scared

“If I can’t breathe my own way, 

Who the hell do you think I am!”

So now I lay here watching,

As she spins and twirls away 

She was all I ever wanted,

But I tried to make her stay 

There is coffee in her motherboard 

There is whisky in her skin

She’s lovely in her own way,

Even to my chagrin 

God damn, I let her win

A Name

I don't remember his name, I just remember that he had one. Some people's names make you feel nothing; they are just names, an assigned word to an identity that does not confirm or deny its existence. But other names make you feel electric. On just hearing it, a two maybe even one-syllable word, the whole world goes silent. Like a current racing through your bloodstream. Maybe it's a name you've heard a dozen times before, and it never meant anything. Yet, somehow, now you revert to that 6th-grade version of yourself who wrote a name over and over and over and over in your Lisa Frank notebook, hoping that by the 87th, 100th, 114th time the universe read it, that name would have also remembered yours. Maybe it's a name you thought would never matter, lost it the moment it bounced off your eardrums until somehow weeks, months, maybe even years later in a park on a cold night wrapped tightly in a warm sweater it became the most important word in the whole world. It changed from a name easily forgotten into one that would make you think twice for the remainder of your life. What power, in these little words we don't even pick ourselves. What power in this feeling that bubbles through your esophagus coating the syllables on your tongue when you cry out that name in passion, in sadness, in frustration, in elation. God, how I wish I could remember his name. His name that I spent so many days trying to forget in hopes that when I hear it again, I won't think twice. I won't hear sadness and joy and anger and hope and pain... I will just hear a word assigned to a person. Simple. Easy. Nothing but a dictionary definition and lazy biblical reference, classic and boring and limited. Wouldn't that be nice.

The Wrong Thing

I want the sky,

you fucker

and I want the 

fucking moon

As you present to me 

the ocean, 

I think I might 

hate you

You're sorry

for the wrong thing

again

You're sorry 

for the wrong thing 

again

You tell me you 

want to change plans

for me

while I stand in the road 

and scream

it's not for me

if I wanted it

start hearing what I say

not what you think

I mean

You're sorry

for the wrong thing

You're sorry 

for the wrong thing 

Crying alone 

on the bathroom floor

you say you thought

I wanted space

when what I asked for 

was a kiss

nothing big 

and nothing grand

but something 

more than this

Stop hearing what you 

think I said 

and start listening 

to what I did

You tell me 

I don't know 

what I want 

while I scream it 

to the void 

it's not my fault 

you can't hear 

what's beyond

your own noise

fuck it 

happened

again

You're sorry 

for the wrong thing

and you're still 

sorry 

for the 

wrong 

thing 

maybe, maybe

maybe, maybe

you just don't really 

want me

no no no

you want a girl

who wants the ocean

who gives up on her dreams 

who whispers what you 

want to hear 

and stops fucking 

screaming 

so why, lover

are you hear with

me

you're still sorry

for the wrong thing

you're still sorry

for the wrong thing 

please, please, please 

wake up and see

see that it's me

it's still me

I'm sorry 

for the wrong 

thing

I'm sorry 

for the wrong 

thing 

Hi, Hello

Hi, Hello

I'm sorry

Hi, Hello

I care

Hi, Hello

I'm screaming

but, you're not really 

there

Hi, Hello

I love you

won't you love me

back

Hi, Hello

I'm thinking of you

Isn't that just sad

Hi, Hello 

I see you

in this crowded room

Don't you 

Don't you 

Don't you 

only see me 

too 

Hi, Hello

I'm crying 

behind these smiling 

eyes

Hi, Hello

you don't care

and I pretend 

like that's 

alright 

Hi, Hello

I'm sorry

Hi, Hello

I tried

to pretend it 

didn't matter 

but, well

it just isn't 

alright 

Hi, Hello

I love you

and I just 

don't know

why 

Hi, Hello

I'm sorry

Hi, Hello

Goodbye