31

 Life or something like it 

If you forgave me

I forgot 

I wasn’t something that you wanted 

I became something that is not 

Love or something like it 

Is it really just this way

To be all encompassing 

And yet slowly decay

30

 Blue eyes and bright lights 

Tell me no with a neon sign 

Here a whisper 

Tell a lie 

Did you politely decline? 

Kill a song bird 

Sing a rouse 

Was I just somebody’s muse 

Ask a question 

“Was it real?”

“It depends, dear, how you feel.”

Tell me nothing 

Tell me more 

Is it something to ignore?

Say you’re sorry 

Say goodnight 

Act like everything is just 

Alright 

Break the silence 

Break the chains 

Do you even 

Recall her name 

Tell a story

Pay the scribe 

In the morning 

She’ll be fine 

29

Build me a bridge to Tarabithia 

Build it of tear dust and stones 

Build me a bridge to Tarabithia 

So that I can call the magic place home 

Teach me the route to Calcuta 

Teach me how to count the stars 

Teach me the route to Calcuta 

So I can see Jupiter and Mars 

Give me the wings to fly solo 

Give me the route to the moon 

Give me the wings to fly solo

So that I can be free again soon 

28

All of the sudden

I think of you 

Like feeling lonely 

In a crowded room 

A cold glass of water

A thirst that consumes 

One minute I’m happy 

The next into gloom 

The void it is endless 

The crevasse so deep

Like the sound of your laughter 

Or your breath as you sleep 

Like missing the ocean 

While caught in a wave 

The cool subtle darkness 

Of walking away 

Someday I won’t miss you 

Someday you’ll be gone 

From the trickling thoughts 

That seep in from beyond 

I’ll smile and think 

Of your beautiful face 

And nothing will hurt

Like it still does today 

27

It’s the little things

The soft breath of wind 

On a sensitive cheek

Blushed pink 

From the touch of a hand 

The brush of a finger 

Toying with the idea 

That maybe, just maybe 

They might fit

Perfectly together 

The flutter of the breeze 

Through the trees 

Casting leaves in a swirl 

As emotions well

In the pit of your stomach 

Hope 

Hope for what those emotions 

Could bring 

Could be 

As foot steps walk 

Perfectly together 

Unhindered by the gust 

Of wind 

Pushing life slowly by

Time after time 

26

She’s cold 

and she’s scared 

and she’s not even there

But you cling to her voice anyway 

She’s light 

and she’s sound 

she’s the stars falling down 

And you can’t even remember her name 

For she set you on fire, ignite your desire 

Turn truths into lies 

Let enemies die

She’s the sun in the sky 

Will she stay? 

She’s the moon

She’s the sky

She’s the wind rushing by 

Though she left you with nothing to say 

So you hope and you dream 

That it’s not as it seems 

Before Turing and running away 

25

Truly? 

Truly?

Your lies can’t be defined

You work so hard 

To play a part

Your characters a work of art

I suddenly forgotten

Where you end 

And she begins

Are you truly someone else 

Or is this really it 

A camielion in the collage 

Camouflaged to hide 

Blended into nothing 

Yet, did you see its eyes? 

Tell me that the spark remains

Tell me that it’s strong 

Not that I’m one to complain 

But, I’m missed you for so long 

24

Give me something to believe in

Or give me something to forget 

What you did 

Was nearly treason 

What you did was nothing yet 

I will surly be the reason 

You will soon forget 

To give you something to believe in 

Something sure 

And something kept 

Maybe a tiny secret 

Maybe try a tiny prayer

And essence of a silence 

In a meaning truly there 

Oh I hear it in the sorrow 

Oh I hear it in the wind 

Give me something to believe in 

And I’ll find something to do with it 

23

 I wish I had a black pen

Instead of blue 

Black ink is just more satisfying 

Against the parchment of a white page 

My cramped hand scribbles journal entries 

In the back of a plane 

Trying to remember to write every day 

In hopes that words will crack 

The defiance of a restless mind 

So hard to rewind

To write, to write

What flows, one never knows 

The subjects we thought we had left behind 

I stare out the window at the limitless sky

Remembering I am just a speck

In a universe so unfathomably wide 

So I write, I write 

To crack the code of my misunderstood soul

To feel the depths of a world so full

And yet not whole 

For it seeps tears of need in hopes

That words may be sown 

Oh how black ink would be better 

Fill those notes 

The song of words 

No one ever wrote

22

She walked straight into the underbelly

Of the cave that hid all things 

The light, the love, the darkness 

The hope that could grow wings 

To fly on past the sunset 

Build castles out of pain 

Consider distant yonders

Where no one felt ashamed 

Could she tackle monsters? 

Could she defeat the fear?

That kept her buried under 

The weight of all that’s dear 

For if she lost the battle

She’d also loose the war 

And yet, if she defeated

A win brought so much more 

A heart that’s full of crystals 

A shining dreaming warmth 

A world that’s built on possibility 

A hope for something more 

21

“Tell me something I don’t know!”

She screamed, hands balled into fists at the back of her head.

“I’ve been fighting my whole damn life to be seen, to be remembered, to be considered, not for what I could be… But for exactly who I am.”

She turned away, face glancing out towards the window. 

The moonlight illuminated the sparkling paths of tears, as I watched her resolve melt away.

“It shouldn’t be this hard,” she said, the set of her shoulders falling, “it just shouldn’t be this hard.”

I didn’t know how to tell her, that I wasn’t sure that it could be any other way. 

Life, no one gets through it unscathed. 

20

The subtle taste of feeling

the silent fear of hope

an unquenchable thirst for meaning

a lust for something more

does it quantify the reason?

can it actuate the cause?

will it change now with the season?

can you ever stop the flood?

of wanting what is out there

of needing what is lost

of praying for a future

where the ends negate the cost

19

Can you feel it?

The threat of something wild 

Churning deep within 

Your skin

So thin 

Was the smile 

It lacked the luster 

Of a grin

Dear child 

Won’t you 

Let him win? 

No, no 

She cried 

From the other side

Of a ledge 

On the edge 

Far behind 

The wind 

“I fell,

Can’t you tell 

It’s a rouse 

To confuse”

What the hell

So it goes 

No one knows 

The pros of the opposing 

Team’s goals 

Would they be

In line with me 

Or would they 

Show a deeper hole 

So far from 

Where

One might call 

Home 

18

The anticipation 

Of the amalgamation

Of creativity through 

My imagination 

Hit asphyxiation 

On the hint of the subtle 

Representation of something 

You could undo 

In you 

Is it true?  

Given words so difficult to speak 

You sneak 

To the confines 

Of my mind

Rewind 

Past the time 

It almost left you 

Behind 

In a rhyme 

So transfixed 

Was I 

Regurgitation 

Of a proclamation 

Or was it 

A lie 

Sigh 

My, oh my

How I just can’t 

Keep getting 

By  

17

“The sky’s the limit, darling”

She said, taking a pull from her cigarette.

I coughed, wondering if that’s true,

Why she of all people stayed so firmly 

On the ground.

She reached out to me, 

One leather gloved hand 

Cold and uninviting against my skin. 

I felt myself shiver, at the hint of her proximity

“Maybe this was her dream?”

I thought, faking a smile,

But mine was somewhere farther. 

Mine was something else.

I let her kiss my cheeks,

Wondering if she believed it,

Truly,

That she’d made it.

I hoped so.

Even if I’d never understand.

16 - Love me 'till you hate me

Love me ‘till you hate me

Hate me ‘till I’m gone

Expect nothing from me 

And be 

Wrong

I told you I would do it

I would find that thing I craved

Maybe I am not there yet

But, I am on my way

You can’t stop me

You can’t doubt me

You should have known

You didn’t 

You didn’t 

You didn’t

How I craved to be

The person that you

Wanted from me

And died inside

And died inside

They say love is enough

They say a lot 

They are wrong

Now I sing a lonely song

Yet, I climb the mountains

Swim the seas

See the things that I am 

Meant to see

How I wish you could 

See them with me

You can’t stop me

You can’t doubt me

You should have known

You didn’t 

You didn’t 

You didn’t

I tried so hard

To fit the mold 

You cast

But, it could not last 

I am meant to be 

Wild and free

Still, how I long to be

Free

With you

Beside me

But…

You didn’t

You didn’t 

You didn’t

How I wish you did

I still wish you did

When will the wishing

End

15 - Shot

Please don’t leave me terrified 

In the middle of the room

Wondering if it’s over 

All over way too soon 

I think you say you love me

With a gun between your teeth 

Threatened by the idea 

Of not knowing what it means 

I taste the metal stardust 

Bullet casing on the ground 

Was it my imagination 

Or did you just let me down 

Maybe I’m supposed to 

Trust the words you say

But what if all I’ve ever known 

Is the other way 

The sideways look of hope dear 

The subtle prayer for sound 

The dense amalgamation 

Of me letting you down 

For I’m the one who’s running 

Who’s truly someone else 

Who fakes a life so full

Of dreams 

I just can’t stand it 

How 

Can I ever fill 

The void deep 

In my gut 

The one that knows 

That I’ll fuck up 

Before you 

Take 

The 

Shot 

14 - Tell me tell me tell me

Tell me tell me tell me 

If you wanted something more 

If the deep and aching feeling 

Is just something 

You’ll ignore 

Tell me tell me tell me 

If I can help you fill the void 

If the energy inside my heart 

Can beat loud past the noise 

Tell me tell me tell me

Can you feel it even now 

The weight 

The rift

The sadness 

That starts to weigh you down 

Tell me tell me tell me 

Will it ever go away 

This deep and endless feeling 

This longing for  new day 

13

Is it the amalgamation of an unrequited soul?

It got caught along the ledge, 

and now it can't let go.

Fingers straining, scared to death

do you think, you have that tenacity left 

to keep the grip.

I watched you trip over the smallest crack, 

and now there is no going back

you lay flat on the ground 

and groan, was all you had 

so easy to let go. 

I suppose that is all it really takes

one slip, one fall, one small mistake 

and now the noose is hanging loose

around the neck of what you thought was 

all you wanted and all you know

but was it dear, 

if it was so easy to 

let go.

Grip that ledge,

see the blood run to your head

give me something you can alter

a risk to be had

for now, it all looks 

well, pretty bad.

12 - Spark

I don't think it was the sadness.
No, more likely just the faint
afterglow of madness 
that settles in the brain.

Like a slow-growing infection, 

a cancer of a sort,

that then takes a new direction,

and cauterizes the heart.

Did he feel it in his chest then?

Did his rib cage start to ache?

Or, was it somewhere deeper, 

starting from the bottom of the nape 

and slowly moving downward

with a gravity of force 

to that place beneath the sternum, 

where it started a new course.

To the spine, now he is frozen

an irony of shame, 

it becomes a numb illusion, 

a memory of pain.

Does he sleep it, does he eat it?

Can he feel it in the night?

That place where something's missing

from deep deep down inside. 

No, no, I think he'll be fine, 

they almost always are. 

It's just a subtle shadow, 

of a hole, deep in the heart. 

It's just a distant echo

of what used to be a spark. 

11

It means the queen of the unrequited

Well, the unimaginable, I suppose

It’s more a rude amalgamation 

Of, well dear, I don’t know 

You see, it tastes a bit like laughing 

And it looks a bit like air

It feels a bit like flying

Like, if it wasn’t even there 

No, no, it’s not an essence

More a filament of sorts

The spark of an idea

The hope for something more 

10

 Today, I won MVP in my running club. It’s one of those exciting full circle moments that reminds me that despite how much time can change things, at the end of the day, I am still exactly who I always was. I was MVP of my track team senior year and my cross country team, too. Interesting, how then and now, I never saw it coming. I never guessed or assumed that it was me. In both instances, then and now, I won not because of my talent as a runner but because of my place of impact on the team. This is an interesting point for me to consider and remember, as I tend to see myself as someone who blends into the crowd, who’s replaceable, or even unimportant to a group dynamic. Not that I’m all that, but it’s still nice to realize that I matter in some way. I wonder if it is better to not recognize your importance to other people or to see it and make it matter more? Something to think about. For now, I’m grateful to those who see me as me and grateful to that small part of myself who remains exactly who I am despite the passage of time. There’s something quite precious about that, like always liking the same flavor of ice cream or smiling at your favorite childhood toy. No matter who you become, who you are is still in there, and together, they can be the best thing yet.