Disguise

Are you some kind of monster?
A massacist behind the bars.
Some type of erased craze
That cuts deep
And leaves scars.

I feel your power,
Staring over me from afar.
You call yourself my maker,
But I know what you are.

Cut the bullshit.
Save the savior.
Your the one who
Commands the stars.

Take your refuge.
Bad behavior,
I can't let you beat my heart.
No more stuffing,
No more danger.
I've had enough,
It's gone to far.

Your a monster,
I'm a believer,
And you've cut deep
To my heart.

And I know now who you are.

My game

I want you,
Give me something.
Let me breath you
Take you in.

Take my breath.
Take my silence.
See my submission,
As your win.

See its over,
See its stated,
Touch my hand.
We might see god.

Let me breath you,
All you wanted,
Take this place.
This space is gone.

Oh so close now,
I surrender.
Be my master,
I'm your dame.

Hold me tight dear,
Just remember.
I'm still the winner
Of this game.

Clean

So tell me no, and kill me.
Put this gun against my head.
I wasn't something that you wanted,
Now I'll be something that is dead.

But don't think that you can hide me.
I won't stay buried in this ground.
I'll assure you that they'll find me,
I won't let you keep me down.

So put away your sword now, soldier.
Live to die another day.
I might be something you want broken,
But in your mind, I can't decay.

So move on forward now, my fighter.
Just pretend I never came.
Kiss me softly on the cheek,
And watch me walk away.

Avoid the blood and all the violence.
Let them see your hands are clean.
For though mine are forever dirty,
Leave the guilt in it to me.

Let yourself go, and be free..
The only tragedy was me.

One

One choice, one voice, one symphony.
I'm not the one you want,
But you belong to me.

One heart, one part, one place to start.
You swear you loved me once,
But you broke my heart.

One time, one crime, one unseemly rime.
I thought you went away,
But you still rule my mind.

One call, one fall, one can't have it all.
You answer me,
But you don't care at all.

One minute now
One message sent
One tear alone
One empty sent
One cold dry hand
One stands alone...

I still can't seem
To let you go.

Ten more days.

Just give me ten more questions.
Ten more questions is all I need.
I'm not scared of what your asking.
I'm just scared of where they'll lead.

I can give you ten more answers.
Ten more answers might be wrong.
I cannot give you what your looking for
I think you've known that all along.

Give me ten more reasons.
Ten more reasons not to leave.
You were all I ever wanted,
But I can't be all you need.

Give me patience,
Give me kindness,
Give me love,
And give me ease.

What you give me is not the problem,
The problem here is me.

I give excuses,
I give refuge,
I give fear,
And I give pain.

But your holding me so tightly...
I just don't want to run away.
I just wish that I could stay.

Ten more minutes,
Ten more hours,
Ten more seconds,
Ten more days.

2 Little Houses

2 little houses
Sit alone atop the ridge.
I think that one belongs to me,
The other one is his.

2 little people
Walk together side by side.
No distance in-between them.
We match stride for stride.

2 little song birds
Hum a tune so soft and pure.
Their pitch is oh so perfect,
Our melody is pure.

2 little hands
Clasp together very tight.
There will be no letting go now,
We'll hold on with all our might.

2 little oceans
Spreading vast and far and wide.
They turn distance into decades.
We must cross them every time.

2 little minds
Cross the oceans cross the skies.
Like the song birds melody
Meeting clearly every time.

2 little houses
Though together, far apart.
Dreaming someday to be closer.
Hoping soon that day will start.

...I think you can

Make me something better.
Teach me the things that I've forgot.
Hold my hand, we'll go together.
Teach me you are what I want.

Don't let me run away now...
For that's what I'm built to do.
But I think I might be happy,
If I'd learn to run to you.

Don't hold me back, but tell me
Not to let you go..
I'm getting cold feet and shaking.
My weakness surely shows.

But our lives are too important,
And are choices are so many.
Just remind me that I love you.
Not to give up already.

I'm a scape goat.
I'm a runner.
I am sly.
I'll break your heart.
I am trouble.
I'm your lover...
Stop me now before I start.

For I think that your the person
Who can save me from myself.
I think you'll make me better.
I think you'll let me out.

So hold me tight to you and whisper.
Sweet simple nothings in my ear.
Tell me reasons I should stay here,
And face my haunting fears.

Your the silent saint,
The giant.
I'm the rebel without a cause.
And yet somehow you love me.
Hold me close now, I am yours.

The point

"Do you think we will ever really know?" she asked as her eyes skirted the room.

"Know what?" her mother replied.

"The point of it all..."

"Point of what?"

"All of this. This time we spend here breathing.This excuse we call life. All these faces, all these smiles, all these memories, all these tears. Will we ever understand it? These bits that make up everything we feel and we are. These senses that are everything in one moment and gone the next?" her face went pale and sullen. Deep emphasis trembled in her eyes.

"I suppose that is the point," her mother replied. The warm sun bled through the window casting shadows on her face. In the pale afternoon light, her mother looked quite old to her. Though her cheeks were still rosy and her skin still young, her eyes were quite tired. They looked as eyes look when they have seen far more than they bargained for.

"What do you mean that is the point?" she replied with a slight pitch in her voice.

"Well, I suppose that's the point of life. To wonder, to feel, to experience, and to impact. I don't think we ever really know the point of it all... just that there must be one. And that point is worth spending a whole life to figure out."

She smiled, "I hope your right, mother. I hope your right."

Choices

an Insatiable force
an Inoperable mask
I dove straight in the ocean.
now there's no coming back.

Your hands on my body.
your heart in my limbs.
I try to hold on to you...
but the fears getting in.

Now time is before me
and the time is all wrong.
Yet your something I want.
I may want all along.

So I reach a decision.
A fork in the road.
Does my heart win me over.
Or does my mind make me go.

For the depths of the ocean
are a far way to cross.
But I'm drawn to the land mass,
that I have yet to touch.

And your all that I've wanted.
And your all that I need.
I just want to tell you.
Please hold onto me.
Please let me be free,
but please don't ever leave.

The same again...

No.
It's ok, really.
No.
I promise, it's fine. I know it was supposed to happen this way..
Yes?
Oh yes, no, of course. If it was meant to be.. well..
..well... I guess the timing would be different.
Yea, everything would fit.
I dunno..
I guess I think so..
No.
No, your right.. sacrifices are essential.
Yes, yes, but..
But..
But.. I'm just too selfish right now..
No.
I know, it's the sad truth of things.
I'm just not ready.
Not ready for what?
For this.. for all of this..
I have to do me.
Live me.
Be me.
See all there is and find out what it is I'm really looking for.
Yes.
Yes of course..
Yes of course I love you.
No.
No, of course...
No, of course it's not fair.
I know.
I know I messed up.
I always mess up.
Always?
Yes, yes it's happened before.
No.
No, I guess I haven't...
No, I guess I haven't learned just yet...
Yea I know..
I know I was wrong.
I know I am wrong..
Yea, I know I hurt you.
Yes.
Yes, I am..
I am sorry.
I am...
so so sorry..
It's just.
well...
You deserve..
Yes.
You deserve so much better than me.

unmoved

That deep quick, undecided, indescribable, misguided feeling.. a connection of absolute force. One that penetrates the very confines of the most rudimentary piece of your inter substance. The essence of your being, pro say. Or maybe just the link between what makes you, you and what makes you not them.. or feel them.. or want or desire or however it is your mind encapsulates and processes those eradicated, misconceptions disguised as a "feeling."

A so called response to an undirected motion in a direction far out of what makes sense to your broad boring senseless mind that believes it knows and recollects all things.

What is this. How is this. Can this even be...

A thick trickle of water in an empty jar. A cool stone upon the overheated skin of a flushed face. The cool ominous breeze of a quick assessing storm.

Has nothing, reads nothing, is nothing...

In the indescribable senses that build and break and conquer those inter workings of the mind, body, soul..

what is this? how can this be?

and yet.

I sit.

Unsensitized. unmoved. unrendered. by what should have shaken me so deep to the core that i myself am balanced... and yet.. nothing.

Cool wind, warm breeze, thick essence, dark trees.. and I stay untouched and unscathed in the deep dark confines of my rudimentary brain.

I should be moved. recked. destroyed. shaken. passionate.

should be struck down in the senseless face of what is made real by my own reactions to unreactions to nonsensical acts of indescribable passions in a mainstream indirected sense to hope and feel

something.

anything.

and yet,

I sit.

unmoved.

sense of senseless

And it's when you finally realize...
that these streets are bared in stone.
You take your shoes off so to feel them,
but they are far too numb from cold.

You tried very hard to be free..
to break bars that guard and capture.
Yet the truth is
once one bar breaks
the rush destroys your life.

Their is no hope for you to let go,
yes you trusted them too much.
But the truth is it's your own self,
that trust cannot surmise.

Maybe you'll get past this,
maybe your fate is set.
But all you wants someone
to love you.

But those who do...
you break their hands.

You want to have the cake,
and eat it.
Now your stomach hurts
and you are full..
and dammit where'd the cake go.

so you bar back up up your soul.
put your shoes on
with two pairs of socks.

better to feel nothing.
in the stone streets all alone,
then to feel that broken coldness,
of that unforgiving stone.

Horas

Maybe i'm crazy... maybe it's a figment of my over zealous imagination...
But! I see horas everywhere!
A flash of light from the corner of my eye, to a colored blur.. the trail behind a person, or a cloudy line..
I blink my eyes, am i just tired?
Sometimes I see him too... running with me, walking behind me...or what i think is him anyway.
(hope i guess)
Just something there, somehting else. Some presence in the corner of my mind, so subtle I almost miss it... yet very real.
Maybe i just need more sleep.
A car passes and there again, a red flash on a metal table.. and i sense the eyes of a near by man at a table near me... fixated on my back.
and then there's that..
everywhere! In my car, on the street, at work, in the store... I call attention..
one glance and there they go..
I don't understand. I don't fight it, but something is there.. something different..
maybe i'm crazy.
maybe i just need some sleep.
or maybe..
maybe i'm just something else..
hmm

going no where

so tie me up and throw me over
because i'm pretty over this
if there was something that i wanted
then it was something that i missed

i threw a rock out at the devil
thought i hit him in the face
turns out i was mistaken
now it's an all out chase

i don't the way back through the tunnel
and the darkness that surrounds me scares me still
but i am running on forever
and forever always will

so if you see me far behind you
or if i pass by you ahead
please just reach out and catch me
please let me come home again

because i forgot what i had come for
and i remeber what i left
somewhere out there in the thunder
lies my heart amid the rest

but here
here it's just a mess

space

the high bed shakes as she climbs doggedly into it...purple laptop sitting next to the water bottle, check book, and Spanish text..
swaying in the corner, the water threatens to splash from the long forgotten tea cup perched unstably on the top of a bed post... seriously she thinks, spotting it.."who drinks tea in there loft bed anyway?... i guess... i do..."
a crash sounds below, something major..
she curses under her breath and swings her head over the side...
yep, all the books... full topple off the shelf.
go figure..
but it just adds to the carnage of clothes, stuffed animals, books, and shoes that already little the wooden floor.
she sighs, this room was supposed to be cleaned, unapacked, and organized from the start..
she had only been back a month though! Right?
no, no, more like she had ALREADY been back for a month..
such ciaos was way overdue to be considered acceptable...
she shrugs.. too tired now..
that's the thing with high beds, once your up there.. your not about to climb back down in a hurry.
she grabs the stuffed unicorn beside her, pulls the colorful down comforter about her shoulders and nestles in..
still, not quite right..
"i wish he was here"
she thinks.
to be honest, she really hated to sleep alone...
alone with books, and old tea cups, and stuffed bears...
alone in high beds..
alone with herself.. and her thoughts.. and the ciaos of her unkempt space.
space.
so much space.
too much..
the tea cup sloshes as she turns amongst the blankets.
eyes closed..
she slips off..
to wherever he may be.
and at least her mind can fill the gap in that unbending multitude of space...
at least for the few short hours her eyes are closed..
she can, if choice be, find him..
somewhere beautiful.

...

i'm awake and i'm angry
and
 i'm crying out to you
i'm awake and i'm tired
and
 i'm not sure what to do
because
you told me
 you would be here
because
you told me
 you were real
now i lie here
in my nightmare
 now i'm not sure how to feel
now the night clouds in around me
and somehow your in my space
 now i'm sure i see your face
but i'm hoping
and i'm praying
that you did get your escape

 so i hope you know
*i'm sorry*
 so i hope you know
*i care*
and the reason that i'm breathing
is because your presence
is my air.

i'm awake
 and i'm angry
i'm angry...
  not with you.
i'm awake
 and i'm angry...
for what this world has put you through
i'm awake
 and i'm angry
and i don't know what to do