More

I guess maybe being someone
more forceful,
more decisive,
more get out my my damn way,
more do what I tell you to do,
more I don't give a fuck,
more no, and move on,
more yes, but only when I really mean it,
more this isn't about me,
more this isn't about you,
more thank you without the please
more just do it and less apologies,
more angst,
more down-to-earth,
more charismatic,
more superficial,
more in your face,
more don't you stop until I tell you to stop,
more, this conversation will go how I want it to go,
more able to lie,
more able to smile anyway,
more, you come to me,
more
more
more
somebody...

and

less
less me,

more...

maybe that would help. 

Backwards

sometimes my mind works backwards
letters jumbled around
I read the line upside-down
it works either way

Underline from right to left
while right handed
supposedly
write the line before the word
forget the vowel
add too many E's

It seems a mix or jumble
a scrambled mess
amidst a frame

sometimes I think it's only words
but, my life also goes that way
too many vowels
first letter left behind
I before E except after
I forget
can I make my own rules
do you need to read me?

can I make my own rules
upside-down
backward
half drawn
half interpreted
half uncovered
half unseen

sometimes my mind works backwards
sometimes, usually

can I make my own rules?
sometimes, usually...
do you need to read me?

Twinge

Your destruction behind you,
you tell them all you're fine.

Yet, somewhere in the peripheral,
you might just loose your mind.

I see the twinge of sanity,
I see it all the time.

But, don't get too close, darling,
it'll quickly loose it's light.

Scars

Can I scratch you with my talons?
So politely...
You won't mind.
It'll barely scratch the skin,
I'll just tickle
from behind.

But, the scar left
will be vivid,
all courtesy aside.
You will thank me later
wear it with dignity,
with pride.

And you'll look at in horror
but, love it all the same
I know you will.
I do.
I do it all the time.

Scars are more like medals
of honor,
purple heart,
you tried.
Was it really all that painful?
Really?
Did you even bleed...

Does matter much?
Just a tiny mark,
I promise.
You won't even know it's me.

Amiss

And now,
I'd like to know
the weight of something
carried
far beyond
the depths
of what we only
shortly see.

The huge immensity
of silence
in a world so loud
our ears
refuse to ring.

Oh, God,
what say you?
Oh, mercy,
left unseen.

The truth
of what delays you
the agony
of greed.

I don't recall
the currents
a swift
and mornful
song.

But, not lost
to me
was worry
they've been
tiding
all along.

Politely

Ask me, 

not politely

for a viral anxious cause.

I'm searching,

however distant

for a place 

where I belong.

To feel the inner meddling

of some rising

biding tide.

To round out

the sharp edges

turn wonder 

into pride. 

Given distant glances,

a future unrefined

I see you in the distance

though, I'm not sure if you're mine

Some savage unseen humor,

a ravage angry fear.

I guess it's just a meddling

inner tingling

less than you can hear.

Nothing short of anxious

nothing past excessive whims

maybe I'll see the bottom, 

but, the top seems still

so near. 

Earth Quake

Can I get an accurate depiction
of an abstract concrete mind
I swear I saw us from a distance,
then realized I'd fall behind

Not to mention concentration
or the need to hit rewind
not to mention dedication
or an ability to shine

can you see it now?
...the motion
or are we already lost

in time

It's the weight of the reaction
the a subtle switch of some kind
the way the world did crumble
while our eyes looked toward the sky

An brutal hesitation
a swift abrupt release
a lack of satisfaction
burried down there
far beneath

can you see it now?
the motion
or are we already lost

in time
an abstract concrete mind
a need to hit rewind

somewhere lost
in time

Concrete

Here I am
standing on a pillar
made of glass
you keep telling me
it's concrete
but, I can see the cracks

I keep on closing
my eyes
trying to beleive
but, the shatters
I can feel them
underneath
my feat

Luminescent

I forgot your life was golden, broken sparkles, that somehow, despite all odds come together, perfectly luminescent. That they shine like broken glass in the midday sun, shattered yet, absolutely mystifying. The example of something so fragile, yet utterly strong, so delicate, yet terrifically dangerous. You, piece it back together, your little life. Yes, there will be glue, or plaster, or strands of hair, or sand...extra sand, but the finished piece, it will be whole. It will be whole again, except... exactly how you want it. Luminescent.

When will it be

I would like to lie here
completely content
when will it be
when will it be again

sun rays in the window
wind across my face
fingers on my back
heart in a safe place

when will it be
when will it be

5 seconds
10 seconds
3 seconds more

glance slips sideways
to the open door

when will it be
when will it be

hand held so tightly
once a comfort
then a crutch
now a prison
too too much

when will it be
when will it be

when will it be again

And there, like a masterpiece
a gliding, sinewy form
stretching out
to caress my arm
soft brush
light wind
oozing emotion
feeling undefined
I see you,
like the cream
of the inner eclair
oozing out on both sides
soft
creamy
a delicious cream
unidentified
unrefined

I lean in...
finally,
to take a bite

and

vanilla...


...I don't like vanilla...

Ballerina

I caught you dancing
Like you loved someone
In spite of yourself

It was romantic
But, it felt like you’d
Been put on a shelf

A ballerina in jewelry box
Forever spinning round
To a song that sticks
Inside you’re brain
And never lets you out

I saw your smile
As it melted into something else
I knew you’d spun so many times
You are just dizzy now

I caught you dancing
Like you loved someone
In spite of yourself

Thunderstorm

There was an undeniable motion
And I felt it in my gut
A thunderstorm
Explosion
Oh god, it’s just to much

And I tried to keep it in
I tried to tell the lie,
But as the words spilled out my mouth
You could still see it in my eyes

The firing of lightning
The bomb dust
Settled soft as sand
My face is like a battle field
I can’t hide in who I am

But, I looked to you for comfort
Relied on you for help
And instead you turn so coldly
And placed me on a shelf

Where broken things are buried
Broken things are lost
Broken things are left to settle
Under the clouds of dust

Oh god, it’s just too much

I Still Remember Your Face

I still remember your face,
staring into mine,
eyes all knowing
all understanding,
that twinkle of acceptance
only two damaged people
can truly share.

I still remember your face
in my living room.
The couch covered in clothes,
packing for a next adventure.
Oh, if I would have known,
you had no intention of letting me go.

I still remember your face,
as I opened the gift.
Too much money you spent,
but your face, how it lifted.
You, a giver,
I, not worthy to receive.

I still remember your face,
our legs in the swimming pool,
tan shoulders, exposed,
like our inner souls,
so brief, yet so open.

I still remember your face,
our legs in the swimming pool.
Oh, if I had only known.
It was there, that you'd let it all go.

There, so close to that place,
our fingers interlaced.
You would pull the trigger,
swallow the bottle down.
So close to that place,
where I still... remember your face.

I still remembered your face,
speaking to you on the phone.
Oh, but I should have known.
You said you loved me,
spent your money,
couldn't let me go.

I still remembered your face,
a wold away...
the phone, rang,
oh, but I should have known.
5:00 in the morning,
my mother's voice.
the weight, the weight,
and I still remember your face.

I still remembered your face,
as I lay, a world away.
heavy, empty.
I told you to let me go
a butterfly,
not to be captured by a net,
but to land softly on your shoulder
in time.
Time, I thought I had.
Time, you had to go.

I still remember your face.
Now, years later.
I did it, I ran it without you.
I'll bring the medal to your grave...
like I have before.
when I go home,
If I go home...
I rarely go home anymore.

I still remember your face,
I carry it with me.
It hangs in my door frame.
It's crossed the country,
it's crossed the world.
It rides in my suitcase,
in my memory,
in my mind's eyes.

I still remember your face.
I made promises, to be great,
to be free,
to do something worthy...
I still remember your face when I fail you,
and when I succeed.

I still remember your face.
I still remember your face.
It doesn't haunt me,
It makes me whole.

I still remember your face.
It is the one thing, I can never let go.

Today, I am wrong.

I am anxious
obvious
nervous
unprepared

I am obsessive
grinding finger nails
into soft skin

I am disillusioned
seeing mass
in places nowhere to be found

I am restless
seeking adventures
far and wide

I am difficult
I am scared
I am still figuring
who I am
out

I am not perfect,
Today.
I am not perfect,
Everyday.

Today,
I am sad.
Today,
I am squirming
inside out
raw
exposed.

Today,
I am heartbroken.
Today.

Yesterday,
I guess
I thought
You'd love me anyway....

Today,
I guess
I was wrong.

Alibi

I can see
that God's your alibi
but, I always wondered
why?
you walk around
as if you committed
a crime.
as if you have
something to hide.

Echoes

It is there, standing next to you
staring into your haunted eyes
I am reminded
that echoes have voices,
wind picks up softly
with words of the past

here, in this presence
I have forgotten
that time has happened at all
that life has changed
that we are no longer us

here, in this moment
none of that which was
has ever changed
nor, honestly, will it

here, I am, and always will be
yours
and you
are also mine

Love, Endlessly

oh won't you love me
endlessly
like summer
when we're young
how snow will never
come again
only long nights
and setting suns

And won't you speak
so softly
like wind ripples
past my ear
make me believe in magic
take away
all of my fears

I want your hands so softly
your eyes so open wide
to feel your mouth
move on mine
in a way I can't forget

lay me down on river docs
in medeows
fields of snow
teach me how
to love again
as if I'd never known

yes, won't you love me
endlessly
as if I'd never known
as if we just came home