82

Why don't I tell you that I love you

with my hand next to the gun

I can't tell you it was worth it

But, damn if it wasn't fun

Why don't you tell me that you need me 

with your fingers on my neck

you can feel my heavy breathing 

as you wisper I'm the one

Is there fear in the rejection

or hope in letting go

some slight relief in the submission

the desire to succumb 

Is there light in the idea

or darkness in the pain

as you lay right here beside me

I keep whispering your name

Why don't I push the gage up to 100

As I lay out for you my heart 

with the engine reving, adreniline 

can you tell the two apart

Why don't you push me toward the edge 

as you give to me your soul 

surly the fear of the rejection 

can't be worse than letting go

81 - Nine Lives

She has nine lives

and a pocket full of sadness

This once she almost died

(Eight Lives)

Mistook the fear for madness

She works hard

But she's always behind

She lives large

yet she's trying to get by 

Can you see the shimmer 

just a glimmer 

of fear 

Still in her eye

Can you see the reflection 

of a girl who knows her worth 

In the confines of her mind

She has seven lives 

and heart so full 

it's breaking 

This could be the moment 

she is ripe for the taking

She smiles big 

But cries in the dark 

she stokes the flames

but seems to have lost the spark

Can you see the flicker 

of her imagination die

Can you see the indignation 

as she fights

to keep her dreams alive 

She has five lives 

and a soul so wild 

it flows out of the shadows 

into the reality that 

Nothing really matters 

Can she make it through the decades 

Through the heartbreaks 

And the rules 

through society 

and its shackles 

Can she make it back to you?

Would you want her...

if she were to?

80

Do you owe the universe your soul? 

Should it belong to the ether and the void?

Does some god claim it?

Or, do you think you get a choice? 

Will the earth collect your body,

And restore it to the trees?

Will it use it to fill oceans 

And place salt throughout the seas?

Do you think that you’ll evaporate?

A wisp lost in thin air, 

Floating forever all around us 

Yet never truly there 

Do you owe to life your being?

Is it written in the stars?

While we seek for hope and meaning, 

Will our choices take us far?

79

Don’t let the world tell you 

That you aren’t worth your snuff

It’ll beat you 

It’ll shake you

It’ll say you’re not enough 

But, who is it to say such things 

Who are you to care 

For the only one 

To prove your worth 

Is in the mirror 

Standing there 

78

Tell me something I don’t know

Or, was it something I forgot? 

With your hands around her waist,

I fear it might be worth the cost 

Of subtly forgetting 

The way the distance tastes

The acrid smell of bitter betrayal 

Realization, there’s a snake

That slithered through my psyche 

Through the hollows of my mind 

And worked its way inside my brain 

Where it surly tried to hide 

Now it feeds me shadows 

Glimmers of a past 

That might just come to take me 

If I can’t make this moment last 

And recognize the reason 

His hands aren’t around my waist 

The bitter taste of treason 

Or was it my mistake? 

77

Are you living to ski 

Or skiing to live? 

Does it matter, 

If the snow is power?

If the sky is so blue 

That that sun sparkles true 

Against the vast white escapes 

Spread out in front of you.

If the wind on your back 

Sends you flying 

Over the tracks 

Toward a view so spectacular 

That it must be true 

Life on the mountain 

Is all you want to do 

76

Is it because of the sunset 

That you cry in the rain 

Or simply the ambiance

Of a dark cloudy day 

Do you think it’s the river 

That slowly flows by 

On its way to deliver 

The rain back to the sky 

Or perhaps it’s the mountains 

Their exterior rough 

So epic and cresting 

The world at its top 

Oh, tell me it’s flowers 

That dance in the field 

All the beautiful colors 

You can’t help but to feel 

That the world is amazing 

The creatures the light 

While we’re out star gazing 

It’s saying good night 

75

I’ve been holding my breath

You’ve been holding your heart 

In the silence of the darkness 

I can’t tell the two apart 

I’ve been catching my dreams 

You still don’t know when yours start 

Sitting here in the shadows 

It seems it can’t be this hard 

We’ve been learning our language 

Can you translate the lines? 

It seems details are missing 

Is my understanding behind? 

We’ve been asking for patience

When what we both need is time 

I’m not sure if you’re ready

But, hell, neither am I 

74

I don’t remember what she was wearing 

Or if her bill was paid

Just that her legs were legendary 

As I watched her

Walk away 

73

It’s a full moon on a Thursday 

A light breeze in the month of May 

You forgot what it was 

That you wanted to say 

But the magic caught up to you 

By the light of day 

Anyway, 

I hope you find it

The good at the end of the story

There has to be more to this 

Wild life

Than waking up 

Saying you’re sorry 

There has to be more to this

Wild life than chasing some 

Unforeseen glory 

72

He tells me I’m his soul mate

From a couch across the state 

Haven’t seen him in 12 years

And never did we date

Has a wife and baby 

I ask why he thinks of me 

He says that I’m his dream girl 

I say, that is because 

I’m not your reality 

He asks me if I think of him 

I tell him a straight lie 

For he only comes up in my head

When his messages fly by 

He asks if he’s my soul mate

Definitely no 

But I just send a laughing face 

The idea girl 

Ya know 

71

Did you know her?

Did you love her?

Did you think she was the best?

Did you need her?

Did you want her?

God, why did you protest

to the layers of her soul

that she laid out for you 

on the floor

as the shambles of her being 

came falling 

down 

down

down

Did you hear her?

Did you see her?

Did you know that she was there?

Did you miss her?

Could you feel her,

when she was disappeared into thin air?

When she had run for the mountains

she had chased the winters home

she had climbed the pyres 

just to finally 

be alone.

And you didn't even notice

no, you didn't even care 

you looked on for someone's shadow 

that was lost

flying through the air

it wasn't even her shape

it wasn't even true 

it was a glimmer 

of an idea

known only to you

Did you want her?

Did you get her?

Did you realize she was real?

Did you understand 

or even try 

to see 

how did she feel?

Was it a nice idea?

the one you formed 

of her in your head

was she everything you wanted

while someone else lied 

in your bed

God, just admit it

go ahead.

70

Did you know I loved you outright

and a little bit on fire?

Did you know I tried to stay with you, 

but you turned out to be a liar.

You said you'd love me soundly,

You said you'd love me long,

You said we had the kind of love 

that would last through it all.

You said...

You were wrong.

The moment it got tough, dear,

it turned out you didn't care,

When I became a shell casing 

of a creature barely there, 

my heart and soul had left the place

I was a shadow, just a ghost

And you didn’t really see me 

When I needed you the most 

And true, it wasn’t fair to you 

It was me who broke your heart 

But, I wish you could have shown me 

You still loved me from the start 

69

Catch the whisper

On the ripples 

Of the waves 

Come crashing by 

Here the voices 

In the echos 

Of clouds 

High in the sky 

Did you see it?

Did you hear it?

If you know it, 

Tell me why,

Is it always 

Asking questions 

As the world 

Spins slowly by 

68

It’s not love 

It’s imagination 

Don’t get the two confused 

In your heart it’s 

Infatuation 

But, the one surly will decay 

Can you dream up a better ending? 

Do you see shimmers of light? 

Could it be the best pretending, 

Is done in the middle of the night.

Perhaps you won’t grow weary 

Of this imitated farse

If the animations 

Come through clearly 

Love could just be 

A work of art 

67

There’s a beacon of familiarity 

As he walks across the room 

Like a light shown straight upon me 

A lens set high in zoom 

He approaches me with swiftness 

The onlookers a wake 

As he glides in through the masses 

His eyes still on my face 

I didn’t think he’d still remember 

That dark and restless night 

When I put him back together 

Held his factures while he cried 

I’m just another martyr 

A woman in disguise 

I didn’t stand to think 

That I could be recognized 

66

Do you think you could love me, 

for the long run?

I mean, even when it's not fun.

When the nights are dark

and I have lost my heart

for finding things appealing.

When I am sad and complicated 

and need you to hold me 

despite my edges, 

so sharp that they 

cut like knives 

against your thighs, 

and I'm screaming for my life.

Could you take it?

Would you want me then?

When I can't swim,

and you have to save me 

in an ocean filled with sharks

and decay.

Would it be worth the pain,

or would you leave me 

there to drown 

on my own,

alone?

I've been left before.

On the ground screaming 

for more more more,

but that person walked away

and I got up.

When he came back, 

he was out of luck.

See, I have learned to be 

what I need 

for me,

and sometimes that is adverse

to having company,

to believing that someone 

else could truly 

love me for myself, 

and not the easy going person

I am trying to be

in all honesty 

she's just a partial version 

of who I would be...

If I actually, 

trusted you 

to love me.

65

 If you have feelings 

Tell me now 

And if you tell me 

Tell me loud 

For in this moment 

Of rejection 

I am senseless 

I’m oppression

Can’t you see 

That there’s a casim 

Deep in me

That’s longing 

To be free 

Of these 

Chains of 

Silence 

I’d almost prefer 

Violence 

But, I know 

It isn’t so

Just a rate of feeling 

Nothing 

But quite 

Can’t we take a moment 

To decide 

Damit.

Am I yours 

Or are you mine 

62 - Panic

I can see there's a commotion 

at the dark side of my mind

some incoming emotion

I should, surely, try to hide

I can feel the heavy breathing 

creeping up my chest

my eyes search for the ceiling 

a distraction at its best 

there's a water stain

a trickle of a problem, sure to come

Was that thought supposed to help me?

I will surely come undone. 

Perspiration forms

just above my brow,

why'd I wear this sweater?

(How the hell do I get out?)

I smile at the man,

who is now staring me down.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm sorry, but I must be going now."

Race out into the sunlight, 

feel the cool wind on my face

as the world regains its orbit

I can feel my color drain

Why the hell was that a trigger?

Just a tiny, subtle thought,

yet it snuck in 

and it lingered 

it took over 

ran amok. 

My feat are moving quickly, 

I am running for the trees,

maybe once I am in nature,

I will again come back to me. 

Keep those thoughts 

down in the darkness

don't expose them to the light, 

remember how you got here,

remember you're alright

you're alright 

you are 

alright.

61 - The gun

Put your hands where I can see them. 

You are soaking, out of breath.

I can tell that you’ve been racing,

On gas, there’s nothing left.

Put them up, out of your pockets. 

Were you going for a gun? 

It’s so hard to see intention 

In someone always on the run. 

Is it fear? 

Anticipation? 

That has you quacking 

At the knees. 

I can see the desperation. 

What are you trying to appease? 

Say it loud, 

You’re speaking softly. 

All your answers, 

I can’t hear. 

If I just wanted explanation, 

Well I wouldn’t have come here. 

Put your back against the mortar. 

I don’t trust you not to run. 

If someone does the shooting, 

It’s my finger on the gun. 

Can’t you tell? 

I’ve finally won. 

60

 It’s an idea 

A theory

A decision 

You decide. 

If you’re such a visionary, 

Then why do you try to hide? 

In the confines of my memory, 

In the reces of my mind.

I’m still empowered by your essence,

But, god, I miss your mind. 

Your included in decisions 

You’re a recourse 

Undefined

And when I try to call you 

It appears I’m out of time  

59

Indecisive 

Do I want to go, 

Or stay?

The truth is, 

I want neither, 

But the thought won’t go away. 

Are you worth it? 

Will it kill me, 

If I trade my soul for you. 

In this god damn filibuster 

Which result will ring true. 

Visionary, 

I imagine 

A life for you 

and me 

But in the confines 

Of my memory 

I’m not sure we’d both 

Be free