114 - Thoughts in a bucket

I'm just kind of tired
and you're kind of scared

we both know I'm wired 

for indecent affairs 

---- 

I have $37

and a bus ticket to Portland, ME

I'm not sure where I'm going

But I know from whence I came 

----

Radio Silence

Is it empty on your head?

I would have thought 

you'd like the quiet

yet, you're lashing out instead 

----

From the song: "The Only Thing Left" by Vincent Lima

(Just consistently stuck in my head)

"I don't care if we're next in the morning,

or the only thing left in the room,

'cause I finally trust that you love me,

and I finally think I love you"

----

It's you

It's you

It's always you 

----

115

It's just consequence, not design

we find ourselves in a different time

where I am yours and you are mine

we tried to avoid it 

but here we are

you and I still wishing 

on the same bright star

still holding on to a distant soul

connected by some lingering hope 

that won't refuse to let go

and you smile 

and I laugh

and we both know

it was always so

you loved another

as did I

neither lackluster

but those loves, one day, gone by

and ours remained 

standing still in the rain

different time

different place 

now I smile at you 

and you hug me tight 

it wasn't consequence 

just design

perhaps divine

who am I 

to ask why

113

She holds her cards close

Never explaining how she feels

What does she feel? 

It’s endless 

How does she explain to someone

That her feelings are like water

Often just a trickle 

A drop

A rare rain on a summer day 

Unsure if it’s real or if she made it up

Until it starts to downpour 

Full fledge flood

Lighting, thunder 

It’s like it’s nothing 

And then it’s everything at once

112

He looks over at me and says,

 “you’re beautiful.”

And I laugh, because, I’m not 

People fall in love with me for being 

Vibrant, genuine, unique 

I feel confident that in a room full of people 

When the conversation opens up 

I will be one of the more interesting people in the room

People pick up on my satire 

My imagination 

My determination 

My wit 

But, beauty?

No, no

Most people only seem to realize I’m beautiful 

When there letting me go 

Like an after thought 

An “ah ha!” Moment 

When the other pieces of me that they saw sparkle

Fall away 

And their sitting across from me at the table 

Trying to decide if it’s time to move on 

That’s when they look up, 

Almost confused 

Considerate 

Like they just opened an oyster

To realize a pearl had been there 

The whole time 

“Hu…”

“… you’re beautiful”

They say

But, it’s not enough

Beauty 

To keep them from walking away 

Because that’s never what they noticed 

In the first place 

111

“What if I want it?”

I ask, knees shaking 

Hands clasped tight into fists. 

“What if I want you to love me? 

Not in some stupid, reckless way with an end and a beginning, but instead in that real way. The way that seeps through the depths of your bones and becomes a piece of you. It doesn’t need to end or begin because it has always been. It’s in the way you breathe, the way you think, the restlessness and peacefulness of your best and darkest dreams. It’s the little light on the worst days and the spark on the best ones. It’s so deeply ingrained in your soul that you know, even if we don’t make it, I’ll always be a part of you. I’ll always be with you, in some small way, that’s actually bigger than anything.

I want to be loved like that. 

Or, damnit, don’t love me at all.”

110

Catch a falling star

A shinning light from god 

A whisper of a an echo 

Of a magic out, and far 

Does it illuminate your psyche 

Remind you of your home 

Deliver you from sadness 

Make you feel, well

Less alone 

I can see the light 

Illuminating 

The confines of your soul

It’s a shimmer 

It’s a sparkle 

It’s a reason to let go 

109

God and other monsters 

Tell you believe in ghosts

I can feel their casts among us 

Feel them glimmer 

Hear the notes 

Of a long forgotten melody 

That lulls us both to sleep 

It used to be our anthem 

Now it’s lost somewhere to the deep 

I don’t believe in coincidence 

It’s deliberate, it’s a crime 

For in those moments 

Though quite fleeting 

I swear that you were mine 

So pray to those who’ll hear you 

Make sure you say amen 

For, babe, in the morning 

It won’t be up to one of them 

108

Do you find it entertaining?

Fighting for your life

Does it keep the wild thoughts at bay 

Turn the hatred away 

Is there nothing left to say 

If you’re constantly in strife 

Maybe it’s the melancholy thrum 

Of day to day 

The setting of the sun 

The stars shinning in the same place 

You were looking for a challenge

A reason to be free 

But is it really freedom 

If you’re constantly running 

107

She’s light in a dark way

Like dusk in the morning 

A burst of heat on a cold day 

Hail storm without warning 

106

It’s a bluebird morning

The wind rustles through the trees

Sun shinning high above me

The world is dazzling 

It’s a peak spring day

Flowers bursting all around

Gentle chill left in the air

As the life comes bursting from the ground 

It’s a day for new arrivals 

It’s a day for breaking free

It’s a day to celebrate the fact

The life is a magnificent thing 

105

Open eyes and bleeding heart 

How can you look away from all those scars?

Can’t you feel them in your soul 

How deep the pain that truth must hold 

103

Blatant indignation 

At its core, I do attest 

With that wild imagination 

You conjure falsehoods, 

I digress 

It’s a vapid conversation 

Roll my eyes and walk away

I could use more stimulation 

Your voice grows tiresome, 

I do say 

It’s a lost communication 

Reaching idly for the door 

With extreme exasperation 

Can’t you tell, 

You’re just a bore 

102 - Silence

There’s an idleness in silence 

It stretches straight on through the void 

A commitment to the violence 

That sound would soon destroy 

Can you hear it in a echo 

Of a match stick, dropped to spark 

A reminder, a memento 

Of a once beat beating heart

How it pains me to mistake it 

For a single dying note 

When in reality that second 

Was just the moment the word choked 

It forgot what next to utter

The umm, uh, the like 

Like the pause caught in a stutter 

Before the word wins out the fight 

It’s the moment that the breaks 

Catch upon the ice

In the silence the car skates 

Before the screeching comes to life 

Oh they say it’s ever fleeting 

You can barely tell the sound 

But it did die for a second 

Just enough to calm me down 

101

I don't want your Monday morning make-up 

Or your Friday evening confidence in the aftermath of booze

No, I want to be here for the Tuesday morning wake-up

and the Mid-week Wednesday blues

Yes, I want to see the full picture 

What is it that makes you uniquely you?

I don't want your plastered smile

Or your picture-perfect, curated attire

Don't waste your time with your resume

Or whatever they said it is that you ought to say

Don't give me those perfect lash blinks

or the rub against the arm

I'm not looking for that unrealistic charm 

What I'm looking for is the ugly cry

The nasty zit on the tip of your nose

That you suppose is gross

hit me with your cheat day

exercise, sweat, and hairspray 

I want authentic, okay

I won't have it any other way

Because I've seen beneath the facade 

the plastic lacquered varnish 

you wear every time that you go outside 

That version of you just isn't true

I don't know how to get it through, 

you're so much cooler when 

you're just YOU

100

Do you believe the lies inside your head

And wonder would they make 

The world be a better place instead

Or would it just be fake 

A life that lost its color 

Though suffering was gone 

Is it worth it to smell flowers 

When some won’t live to see the dawn 

How can we justify the means 

Does the gain negate the price

Can you tell me who you want to be 

In the silence of the night 

99

The sun roomettes on the idea of sticking around

Cool wind caresses my face, with a passing cloud

The smell of rain hangs in the air

A drop, a splat, a trickle there 

Can you taste the breath of spring?

With hope for growth, does nature sing

In times of change, a cold snap comes

Yet hope of warmth shines through the sun 

 

98

I don't know the reason

Yea, I never got the why

but, with the changing of the seasons

you were no longer mine

maybe it was the chill 

that blew in through the leaves

or the sudden loss of daylight 

that used to keep us warm

for as I watched your smile 

in the shadow of the night

it splintered into fractures

as a grimace slowly formed

I used to listen to the song, 

"it's 2 am and she calls me because

I'm still awake, 

can you help me unravel my latest mistake? 

I don't love him, 

winter just wasn't my season."

Now the cold air sinks to the depth of my 

fare bleeding heart

and I realize winter is just the start

perhaps I will love you when 

dawn turns to spring

maybe you'll love me 

when the leaves turn to green 

and the frost becomes flowers and dances

but today in the twilight of 

a six o'clock moon

I feel your spine stiffen

to the breath that I hold

so snuggle another 

and find me in May

for again with the flowers, 

might our love grow again 

97

Can I get an explanation?

Your indignation feels unjust.

I wasn't asking you for a reason, 

I was just asking you for trust.

There are footprints in the backyard,

leading down into the lake.

Perhaps they're just an echo

of a long, undone mistake.

But I followed them completely, 

until the water reached my waist.

Now I'm standing in the current

hoping it will wash my sins away.

May I have some understanding?

The condemnation feels unfair.

I wasn't looking for forever, 

but I did hope you'd still be there. 

There's a blood stain on the carpet

just next to the open door.

I've been washing it for hours, 

but the stain's forevermore. 

Do you think it is O+, or A-, maybe? 

There's a gaping wound over my heart,

Yes, the blood may be from me.

Could you give me some compassion?

It seems your passion's for the drink.

I wasn't asking you to stop,

just to pour the bottle down the sink.

There’s an echo in my memory 

Of a violent early past 

I keep trying to avoid it 

But the scars were sure to last

I have covered them with makeup 

I have mastered a disguise 

But, when they look within me 

They will see it’s all just lies 

96

It's okay...

But I'm not going to sit here

and be who you want me to be

Just because you want me to be it.

It's okay...

But I think I'll define myself

in my own way

not in the way that

you wish that I would see it.

It's okay...

But, I'll take the path

that I choose

not the one that you used

just because you've already seen it.

It's okay...

That you wish I did things your way.

But to you, I must say...

It's not okay.

That you won't let me define myself my own way

just because it isn't how you choose to believe it. 

95

The small pieces of lint clumped in my pocket keep tricking me into thinking that they are something exciting.

Like a long lost pair of favorite earrings or half disintegrated love note, heck even some spare change, got lost in the pocket of this coat. My fingers find the ball of lint, once again, and I can’t help but pull it out to look at it. As if, perhaps, this time it will be something I want it to be. No. It’s still lint. But, if you look closely, it’s kind of shaped like a dog. 🐕 

94

Sometimes, missing you is all-consuming

Other times, I forget

to miss you in the morning, or in the evening

or even when I've slept

I suppose it doesn't matter, 

because you're not out there missing me

You see a sparkle of my memory

in the corner of your eye

and blink hard to remove the dust

before I occupy your mind

It's okay, it's better that way

if I could blink you out, 

I would

without a doubt,

I would

 

93 - Something more than this

How do you feel about

God and other monsters?

What about life 

and the dichotomy of death?

I want to get a sense of how your brain works, 

yet I fear that it may lack a sense of depth. 

Tell me, is the green of the grass 

the same to you, to me, to them,

or does one of us see what I call purple

while others' blue or red

Do these questions make you stumble?

Do they roll straight through your head?

Do you stay up at night and wonder, 

what power the earth has left...

Are we merely just an atom

on the back of some large dog

in a far and distant universe 

our electrons, Pluto and Mars?

Do you wonder what the meaning, 

of this restless life must be, 

is it settled in the stars, 

that you would collide with me?

Or, are we out here wandering, 

of our own free will of chance?

Choosing whether we stand still, 

or make the choice to dance.

To dance

to dance 

to sparkle

to see a full color 

abiss 

to spin 

to laugh 

to desire 

well, 

something more 

than this.

91

I've been wandering lightly

in the silence of the night

Looking into the shadows

to ensure all is just right 

I've been wondering lightly

if the world's come undone

if my fear it'll unravel 

has yet finally begun 

I've been pondering lightly 

through the smoke and the haze

if the worry will haunt me

for the rest of my days

I've been screaming quite loudly 

through the breaking of dawn 

the world's ending around me

can't you see what they've done

I've been flailing and ranting 

like an absolute fool

no one will listen

there's nothing I can do

I've been wandering lightly 

through the dark of my cell

if I can just slip out

perhaps all will be well

I've been wondering lightly 

back out in the world

all the nightmares are realized 

yes, the wreckage unfurled 

I've been waiting and waiting 

to just slip away

but all that remains here

is a sea of decay 

I'm still screaming and ranting 

is it worth the cost?

Is it just in my head, 

or has all already been lost...

92

Do you see the world in color,

Or is still in black and white? 

If you can’t feel the caress of the ocean blue, 

How can you sleep at night? 

Do you know if mountains crumble 

In ebony and grey 

It seems without the greens, golds, and browns

It would look just like decay 

Perhaps the subtle hint of light

That’s shining through the clouds 

Parades a ray of enough white 

to make the black profound 

But, it still seems too bad to never know 

The blues, the orange, yellow, red 

A sunrise in the morning 

A sunset overhead 

Maybe your life is simpler 

Perhaps it’s less unbound 

Yet, something would be missing 

Without the joy of color 

All around 

90

Glass slippers

And the right to say, “no”

I didn’t ask what you wanted

I just asked to let go 

In the weight of the friction 

The motion is void 

I’d have turned down the music 

But I’m lost in the noise 

Did you feel it? 

The static that clings

To your bones

It’s a bit too dramatic

Like a scream through the phone 

They say it’ll kill you 

The passion 

The fun 

But with the clock striking midnight 

All that’s left 

Is to run 

89

I like your disposition
Your intuition 
What a mess

To think I got stuck 

in indecision

Now, I am clinically obsessed

I guess its just the makings 

of a mistake 

that hasn't happened yet

It's just the makings 

of a memory

I'll wish I could forget

I guess

I guess 

I guess

88

Put your hands where I can see them.

You are soaking, out of breath

Did you come here looking for a reason?

Because, I regret, there's not one left. 

You may take me for an angel, 

but there's a devil in my soul. 

With your fists around my heart, 

it's just begging you let go. 

Can you see my legs are shaking? 

I'm trying not to run. 

But this experiment is over. 

I fear this is no longer fun. 

87

Her eyes are like starships

her body, a myth

it would be pure magic

for just one kiss to her lips

she's not singing for comfort

she's not dancing for you

she just wants to be recognized 

as something otherworldly and true

maybe she's a goddess

mybe just a piece of the abyss

as she ebbs closer to you

it's her touch you will miss

she's not lying for clarity 

she's not crying for truth 

she just wants to exist 

as some small part of you 

could you love her forever

or maybe just for the day 

is the love in the wanting 

as she's walking away 

her eyes are like glaciers

her body, the sky 

she unearths a full mystery 

with just the glint of her eye

could you love her forever

or maybe just for the day 

is the love in the wanting 

as she's walking away 

86

You say the sky's the limit

What, babe, if I'm the sky?

You say there's nothing up there.

How could we ever get so high?

I say you look pretty inconsequential 

sitting down there 

on the ground.

I told you to find another way

to get here

without going all the way around.

You stare at me and laugh, 

laugh so loud 

you cry,

and I know I'll stay alone

up here 

with those tears of failure

shining in your eyes.

It wasn't that hard,

just fall and think of the stars

All the sudden you're projected 

floating way past even Mars

but your mind is too caught 

On the confines of gravity 

You’d rather stay locked

To the fear 

Of depravity

85

You believe the god your maker

You believe the god your friend 

And yet, as you betray her 

You leave will leave the god 

In the end 

84

What if I met you at the end,

and told you the beginning was a lie? 

Would you still hold my hand,

or recommend we switch sides?

For the sand is running down to the bottom.

Yes, I fear we are soon out of time. 

What if I told you at the end, 

that all I really wanted was to try? 

Would you yell?

Would you scream?

Would you cry?

What if I told you at the end

that I just had to do it to get by?

For the wind in my hair is a nuisance

and I seem to have forgotten the tie.

Yet the freedom it brings to my conscience

is worth the discomfort every time. 

What if I told you at the end,

that I just want to be free in this life?

What if I hold your hand, 

and ask you to never ask why. 

What if I met you at the end...

And asked you to love me for life. 

83

Is it better to be loved,

Or to be desired?

What if I want both...

I'm sitting here by myself

tired of the line

between who 

I'm supposed to be

and who I am

Who I want to be

and who I'm not

I have so much to give

and too much to take

I can't forgive myself

for my mistakes

But, I'd give it all away 

for a single day 

of feeling fully found 

even when I'm trying 

desperately 

to run away