Get a grip.

Everything is good.
Everything is going well...
I need to remind myself of that though.. need to be happy in my choices and find a way to embrace all I am and all i am doing.
I don't want to start off the year in a funk, but i seem to be slipping in and out of presence and peaceful state of mind. I keep over thinking everything and seeing things i used to love with negativity. It shouldn't be that way.
I love track. I chose track. It's a worth while thing and a thing I CARE ABOUT.
Maybe its being sick, my birthday, having no schedule, the end of break, having Jess graduate..monotony..  i don't know.. But, lately i seem to be resenting it.
It's just a mind thing and probably largely from the enclosed space of indoor and my struggle with overcoming running poorly, but i want to enjoy it and not resent it. My adventure bone is kicking in, and though break just ended, i really desire escape. Every semester i have had a major change from the one before, and i don't know how to handle the "sameness" of the upcoming months.
I want to be excited to run. Excited to turn 21. Excited to keep trucking in my studious life of running, and working, and studying... but i'm having trouble.
Some times it is peaceful and nice and comforting.. but inside i scream and tear at my skin.
Like the nest is soft and comforting, but other times it stifles me and the outside world is calling my name.
It's all in time and I keep trying to think, "this too shall pass." I'm trying to focus on the new and the good and the to come.. internships, relationships, adventures, progress...trying to place my focus outside myself.
i just need a little help. A little breath of fresh air...
A grip.
This is you. This is who you are. And its ok Eden. It's ok..
Get a grip and be happy with what you chose.
What you choose.

: / ahii yi yi

Didn't cry

I don't know how to feel today. I think i should be crying or upset, but i'm not. Instead i more only feel strange. enjoyed a 12 mile run on my own and then ate a bowel of cereal. Typical. But what wasn't was I had a second, and now not even two hours later i want a third. Why? Can you cereal away emotion? Likely not, but subconsciously my body seems to think so.  

I took a shower and shaved. Which always means I cut my legs. Every time, no fail. But as I stood their alone and wet as a dog in the steamy bath room with blood running down my legs, I figured maybe i wasn't ok. It's not a big deal, just little cuts. Little cuts that I don't even feel... yet still they bleed. Still i am rudely reminded they are there. 

My sister called. Said the funeral was, "nice but drawn out." Said my dad was light hearted but left abruptly after it. I think his cuts bleed to. Little streams down smooth skin. Painless, but real. Likely to get infected and hurt later.. later when you would have thought they would heal and be forgotten. I guess a lot of things are like that.

I should have gone home. Should have made so he wasn't alone. Or is it only me that his. And could I really be a bandade of his. A simple scab or clot.. maybe that's asking a lot.

Who knows. 

But in time, all things heal. And in time we all feel. 

I hope that they are ok, hope that their cuts heal and bandages stay.

I'll say a prayer anyway.

I love you grandpa. I wish I had known you better. I wish i had understood you, known your scares, and known your smiles. I can never have back what there never was, but i will always remember you with love. Odd memories really, but pleasant ones. 

1. We lived at the farm with grandpa from when I was 4-5 or 6. i made a spider in the first grade from orange streamers and a paper plate for halloween. I gave it to him. Gave it to him and he hung it on the rack where his coats hung by the back stair well. i didn't think he liked me much as a kid. Thought i got in his way, but he never took the spider down. It stayed there until years later when my aunt moved in. Funny hu.

2. I came home from college the first summer after freshman year and India, Pants, and I were playing at the farm. I saw Grandpa and hugged him. He was not a person you hugged. At least not one I ever did. 

He looked very taken aback and shocked. But then he smiled, asked me about school, told me to drive carefully, and gave me $20. I think he liked hugs, he just had to have one to know it.

3. At the hospital he looked so sick and old. It's weird because I just can't imagine him as an old person. Though I know he is (was). In my head he is always in gum boots trekking around the farm with an old sweatshirt, a ball cap, and a scrawny Dalmatian at his side. He whistles when he talks and says, "Well ya know..," before any sentence. His favorite topics are neighbors, people who died, the wood stove, and the farm animals. He walks with a bit of bounce and excessive knee bend. He eats weird candies like neckless and dollar apple pies in a cardboard box. He adds water to gross generic ketchup and always unplugs everything before he leaves. 

From the hospital bed he is a different person. Old, thin, wiry... all in white. I don't like it. 

He wakes up, sees me, and asks, "How's school goin'?" 

I smile because I didn't think he'd recognize me at all.

He did, and I'll never forget. 

This is an odd post and doesn't really flow or make sense.. but i think i needed to write. Now my feet or cold. I'm worried about my dad and my sister and my aunts. I know Grandpa is happier now and will not suffer anymore. I hope in time those who love him won't either.

I'm going to eat another bowl of cereal.

We love you Grandpa. I hope they have cows and wood stoves in heaven.

can't research

pour me a drink,
tell me a liE.
tEll me i'm bEautiful,
thEn makE me cry.
givE me a rEason,
givE me a choicE,
then when i'm not looking,
takE my voice.

not your dEcision.
not your mistakE.
but i havE to tEll you,
this hEart is not yours to takE.

i heard you wErE lEaving,
but nEw you never camE.
hEared you did somEthing
i could not Explain.

i know that you're not rEal,
know my mind just imaginEs.
but somEhow you brokE me.
somehow i'm gonE.

i hopE it was worth it,
i hopE you'vE movEd on.

Snow Tigers! : )

Winter's Magic

shimmer in the light
shadows on the surface
glitter in my eyes
slip to make me nervous
hands numb and dry
smile frozen in place
but in light of all around me
the glitter lights my face
sparkles in the moon light
trees in white fir coats
I spin in a circle
and hold out my arms
tongue to catch the
crumbs fall
perfect doily on my glove
I capture it's perfection, before it melts off
Natures magic blanket
confetti for the heart

...to have...

I didn’t know it hurt until it didn’t anymore. Like a vaguely well known actor who steels the headlines only after a fatal drug overdose or private jet disaster. It’s like a pain so familiar that somehow it just becomes comfortable. A tension almost reassuring. Like a pinch to ensure your still awake or a cut to prove your real enough to bleed.

I can’t tell yet if its completely gone, or if I even am ready to give it up. The odd thing is, the pain is a comfort. A light in a dark room. Even an eerie glow, is still a glow at all. And now.. now that it is lifting I fear that I will miss it. Or rather that I will become accustomed to the weight being lifted, and suffer when it comes back. Like if you go outside without a coat on, you will be cold. Still you will adjust much faster having never had a coat than if you started with one, knew the warmth you could have, and then had it taken away.

I think I had that coat once..

Or at least I thought I did. I can remember feeling warm, warm enough at least. But, I remember more how cold it was once the coat was gone. So cold, I ran outside and lied in the snow and cried until my tears froze on my face. Now, so accustomed to cold that warmth feels strange, I fear that is I have it I will never survive if it gets taken away.

I know that does not really make much sense. For it is better to love and loose then never to have loved at all. Better to miss a happy memory than to have no memory to reflect on. Still, is the pain really worth the pleasure?

A blind man having never seen cannot really miss the ability of a sight he has never known.. while a seeing man who can see no more will always remember what it was like to have the sight. The color of the sun set, the lush green of the grass, the glimmer of the snow, the eyes of the one he loves. But do those memories help him or hurt him? Would he be better off to know only the feel and imagination and not know what he is missing? Could the imagination conjure images even more spectacular than those in reality? Could a blind imagination conjure images at all?

I remember discussing bravery in Beowulf. The question came up on whether Beowulf was truly brave if he did not have the ability to know fear. Just as with Adam and Eve. Were they truly good if they did not know the capability of evil?

Now in our world we are born with the knowledge of evil… what would it be like if all evil was lifted…?

Would we be capable of recovering if it was given back again.

Like in the seasons. Coming off of winter, 50 degrees feels amazingly warm. You might even consider a T-shirt. Whereas on the other side, coming off of summer, 50 degrees feels like a freeze. You might even consider a sweat shirt or light jacket.

What I’m saying is. Am I ready for the weight to be gone, for the evil to disappear, for the coat to be wrapped around me. Am I ready to know what its like to see again?...and will I let myself… or will the fear of loosing it once again keep me away…?

More Lessons Learned

12. I don't like it when people touch my face.. at least for the most part. I feel like the right person or the right time is ok, but in general I am very particular about my face being touched.
13. I am terrible at bowling. ... even with bumpers. With that, just dropping the ball does not work for a "split" haha not at all.
14. I am very glad my parents did not focus on video games and let me grow up playing them. Though a little bit is probably ok, I would much rather learn from playing pretend and experiencing the world. My kids will not have video games as a focus in their lives.
15. Not liking meatloaf does not automatically mean you are a vegetarian or you have had bad meatloaf before. I just live by the idea that a loaf should be only used for bread.. banana bread, pumpkin bread, wheat bread..etc... but NOT MEAT!
16. Snow boarding is really really fun once you can actually do it : ). Yay S curves... can I board everyday now!?
17. I love clam chowder!
18. Climbing mount Washington does not require four layers of underarmor on a 40 degree day. It is very cold at the top, but the bottom... let's just say you'll be quite sweaty.
18. I LOVE MOUNTAINS!! : D Ice covered uphill climbs are very very strenuous, but man is it an accomplishment when you reach the top! The view, the strong wind, the experience.. wow!
19. Being a D-1 distance runner makes you a prime candidate for mountaineering.
20. Altitude sickness takes a while to go away : /.
21. Don't forget your book light on long car rides.
22. ...I'l have to think more for the rest : )