Didn't cry

I don't know how to feel today. I think i should be crying or upset, but i'm not. Instead i more only feel strange. enjoyed a 12 mile run on my own and then ate a bowel of cereal. Typical. But what wasn't was I had a second, and now not even two hours later i want a third. Why? Can you cereal away emotion? Likely not, but subconsciously my body seems to think so.  

I took a shower and shaved. Which always means I cut my legs. Every time, no fail. But as I stood their alone and wet as a dog in the steamy bath room with blood running down my legs, I figured maybe i wasn't ok. It's not a big deal, just little cuts. Little cuts that I don't even feel... yet still they bleed. Still i am rudely reminded they are there. 

My sister called. Said the funeral was, "nice but drawn out." Said my dad was light hearted but left abruptly after it. I think his cuts bleed to. Little streams down smooth skin. Painless, but real. Likely to get infected and hurt later.. later when you would have thought they would heal and be forgotten. I guess a lot of things are like that.

I should have gone home. Should have made so he wasn't alone. Or is it only me that his. And could I really be a bandade of his. A simple scab or clot.. maybe that's asking a lot.

Who knows. 

But in time, all things heal. And in time we all feel. 

I hope that they are ok, hope that their cuts heal and bandages stay.

I'll say a prayer anyway.

I love you grandpa. I wish I had known you better. I wish i had understood you, known your scares, and known your smiles. I can never have back what there never was, but i will always remember you with love. Odd memories really, but pleasant ones. 

1. We lived at the farm with grandpa from when I was 4-5 or 6. i made a spider in the first grade from orange streamers and a paper plate for halloween. I gave it to him. Gave it to him and he hung it on the rack where his coats hung by the back stair well. i didn't think he liked me much as a kid. Thought i got in his way, but he never took the spider down. It stayed there until years later when my aunt moved in. Funny hu.

2. I came home from college the first summer after freshman year and India, Pants, and I were playing at the farm. I saw Grandpa and hugged him. He was not a person you hugged. At least not one I ever did. 

He looked very taken aback and shocked. But then he smiled, asked me about school, told me to drive carefully, and gave me $20. I think he liked hugs, he just had to have one to know it.

3. At the hospital he looked so sick and old. It's weird because I just can't imagine him as an old person. Though I know he is (was). In my head he is always in gum boots trekking around the farm with an old sweatshirt, a ball cap, and a scrawny Dalmatian at his side. He whistles when he talks and says, "Well ya know..," before any sentence. His favorite topics are neighbors, people who died, the wood stove, and the farm animals. He walks with a bit of bounce and excessive knee bend. He eats weird candies like neckless and dollar apple pies in a cardboard box. He adds water to gross generic ketchup and always unplugs everything before he leaves. 

From the hospital bed he is a different person. Old, thin, wiry... all in white. I don't like it. 

He wakes up, sees me, and asks, "How's school goin'?" 

I smile because I didn't think he'd recognize me at all.

He did, and I'll never forget. 

This is an odd post and doesn't really flow or make sense.. but i think i needed to write. Now my feet or cold. I'm worried about my dad and my sister and my aunts. I know Grandpa is happier now and will not suffer anymore. I hope in time those who love him won't either.

I'm going to eat another bowl of cereal.

We love you Grandpa. I hope they have cows and wood stoves in heaven.