O beautiful land take me in, send me home. I watch the sun set far beyond in my minds eye. A length of endless expanses of time. Sun hot and pure. Wind whistles by and all I want is to be in it, be part of it, have it all and be it all at once. Cannot you taste the ocean from deep inland, just the thought of the salt on my skin.. waves wrapping and wrapping over my legs. Mountains spring in the distance, snow capped and tall. Expanse of trees growing all around me, and the soil cool between my toes, beneath my feet. Breeze in my hair, rustles the leaves.. I can breathe the cool fresh air around me. 

As I sit at this wooden desk, in this closed off place. Brick walls and seat cushions.. dreaming. Dreaming of where i will be, when i'm free.. When the endless land before me is new and open and vast and pure.. and I can run on land never trodden by my feet before, into places so open and clean.. 

Awe, the dreads of coffee in my cup suddenly look like tiny hills or stars in a distant sky...

i should be writing papers. but new zealand's in my mind. 

so close

so close  

i'm ready for the adventure of a life time!

Emotion Flood

so you spin, the lights so near..
so close to touch, too much to hear..
in for disaster you turn,

faster..

and faster..

until you slow to a hult, stomach aching.
head racing.
eyes turning.
full jult..

and it stops.. it stands still..
no

no it never will

and on

and on..

you squint up at the dawn.
the mid-way sun
looking sleepily on in a mind
so full of song
that the day
nearly drowns you

your emotion surrounds you.

a mass rush of frustration.
your heart's latest creation
of what you can only now see
causes mass complication.

you stand

still now.

heart pounds..

and then,
open your eyes
and wake up.

overanalyzation!

what frustration!

(shut up brain)

it means nothing,
it means nothing.

and i know that i'm not right,
coincidence..
just a trick of the mind.

it doesn't even make sense.
(sure it does)

no no it's all in your head.

all that's left are bags of peanuts
and i'll only eat things in twos.

i heard the song in my head first.
but the tune is all my own.

i dialed the wrong number
mixed the fours up with the twos.

it's raining more now..
but i road my bike anyhow.

i can't focus at all.
and my attention span is gone.

i think he's just a fun time.
but the ones who love me never stay in my mind.

everything is moving.
i am never standing still.

all i know is how to run away.
...so of course i always will.

i drew a flower on the page.
and from it grew a full fledged maze.

i chew my tenth peace of gum today.
and spanish makes me go insane.

there's a run-through of my mind.
in a short amount of time...

save you..

I'm sorry for leaving you
i'm sorry for my own selfishness
sorry for making you bare my burdens
you feel my pains

i want to whisk you away
flip the frown on your face
give you the escape
that you need

i'm sorry for what is unmanageable
what is out of your control
i'm sorry for what you cannot fix
for what you have to know

i'm sorry i'm so far from you
that my words have miles to pass through
but i promise that you'll
make it through

someday i will save you
someday i will save you
and you will save me too

organic and technological

So I am writing a paper on Online dating for my Survey of Communication class. It is an analysis of online dating using Uncertainty Reduction Theory. In order to gain more information about this topic, I plan to use my mom's experience with online dating since I personally have none myself. That being said, I think I will post a some ideas and thoughts on the subject on here for her to read them and know what I'm considering : ).

But first, and probably aside from the actual content of the paper, I can't help but thinking about the strange mix of fads in our society today:

In a world where "organic" is the way we want all of our food and materials, why is it so many people have gotten away from dating organically?

It's as is we want everything going into our body and in our vicinity to be real and natural, yet much of our social interaction is now done online.

I am not necessarily agreeing or disagreeing with this concept, I am a huge supporter of the organic movement and obviously an avid user of technology. However, at the same time, I feel that people forgo organic interaction too much. In a world where technology lets us keep in touch and stay connected greater than ever before.. is it also pulling us away from each other?

Yes it's nice to be able to text throughout the day, skype with those over seas, meet new people anywhere in the world, and keep in contact with those far away. Being 14 hours away from home, technology has been amazing in allowing me to keep contact with my family in PA, and when I get to New Zealand it will surly be a godsend. Still, i think people need to make sure to spend quality time in the presence of others. Not walk down the street on their phones, but instead say hello to their neighbors.

I do not think that online dating is a bad thing, but I feel the reason people have so much trouble meeting others organically is because they are so connected all the time to technology that they are disconnected to the world around them.

My track coach loves to use the phrase, "be present in your present," and has shown us the clip from the movie coining the phrase over and over again. Still, as it does in sport, I feel that phrase has merit in interaction also. Yes, I have plenty of times where I walk down the street on the phone, texting, listing to my book (because I'm nerdy like that), playing words with friends, or checking facebook. However, some those times I can all the way home and notice nothing around me. When I tuck my phone into my pocket and wonder home, I notice the wind, the clothing of my piers, their facial expressions, the leave on the trees, the color of the sky... I think about what i see, what I want, what makes me think.. and I appreciate more.

I don't think we should forgo technology, and I'm just as guilty as the next person of revolving in the technological world, but every once in a while.. take a moment to live organically, see the world around us, and maybe learn something new..

: )

no, no i don't think it was supposed to happen. though i suppose everything is..
i think it was accidentally on purpose actually..
like a mistake that was only realized two steps after they were taken.

you know what i mean?

Like the kiss you know you shouldn't have done only after you already did.. or the thing you said before realizing what you were saying..or hitting the send button too hastily on a text then..

then the drop of "ooo sh*t" as your stomach aches with what you just did and you wait for the blow from the storm..

hmm, so if it did happen then? then it must have been supposed to? Then their had to be a reason.. a reason your two steps were already taken..

a reason you can't turn around..

i guess?

but if you could turn back.. well..

would you really anyway?

naw, probably not  : )

Physical Tension

ooo the sexual tension!
(is it all in my head?)
...or did you just brush my hand
...again.
No reason. Just reaching.
Those big blue green eyes...
seeking.
so close
so close to mine.

and your finger!
brush my leg?
(Yea i Noticed)
though you move your chair
and TRY to regain focus

and stutter over words
sounding Totally absurd..
(face red)
You correct me again.

but i know i felt that hand!
(it sneaks closer again)
head on my shoulder?
you come closer

ooooooo insane!
it's nearly pain!
i twist my knees to touch yours
subtle..
and i still want more

you laugh and smile
(i am in denial)
wayyyyyy out of my league
i forget to breathe

just dreams...

...i rolled over finders reaching blindly over pillows, something hard (water bottle?), a book.. stuffed animal.. Realization slowly seeped into my weary realization that the mass I sought was, once again, not there.

My fingers reached a small soft shape. I pulled it close to me without opening my eyes; the small battered stuffed unicorn was as familiar to me as my own fingers. Yawning widely, my brain had finally begun to except reality.. it was.. in fact.. just a dream.

It always happens that way. Dreams sneak in that are so real or so recognizable that your dormant mind believes they are real. Waking up is like a hard smack in the face, a rush of cold water when you thought you were basking in the sun light. For me this was the forth one this week. The forth one filled of him, him who i swore to myself i no longer longed for.. no longer wanted.

I had managed to release him from my daily thoughts, for the most part, pretty effectively. I was starting to think I would soon be ready to release him completely, let it go, welcome a new presence in the vacant cavity my heart had opened. The open plot reading, "For Sale: To Honorable Owner Who Will Treat It With Care."

Yet... there he was. Again. Forth Night This Week. So Real i Thought He Was Lying Beside me. I could almost feel his big hands on my face, pushing my hair back, watching for one sleepy one eyed blinks and muttered "I love you"'s i wouldn't remember saying.

I groaned, eyes finally opening to let the pale grey light of early morning filter in. Flipping on my back, I started at the rough tiles of the sealing without seeing them. I reached for my phone. It was still buzzing the obnoxious "bramm bramm bramm bramm," my sleepy mind had only started to recognize. I slid my finger across the screen to silence it. "5:43" it read. I groaned again.

Alarms always sound like something else in dreams. A distant interruption. An ambulance in the distance? The annoying girl in the corner who is shrieking for apparently no reason, maybe a school bell, or perhaps just a noise in the perimeter.. Just enough to bring the mind back to the surface from the  depths of the dreamy sea. Such a stupid interruption!

I squeezed my eyes tight together in attempts to return to the dream; it had just gotten good! Sadly, the responsibility persona of my self-conscious was starting to speak up. "Eden. Eden," It whispered with mild irritation, "You know you wanted to get your run out of the way early. Just think, wake up now, and you have the rest of the day to get stuff done, eat a real lunch, study at the coffee shop..."

"Ok. Ok. Ok!" I said out loud. It was rare we had a day off off track practice during the week. Since we had only just returned from a track meet in Indiana at 9:00 the night before, Sunday night, coach had given us just a small six mile run on our own for today's workout. I was looking forward to having my afternoon free instead of having the usual 2:30 practice.

I sat up, grabbing the phone and water bottle as I went.

...to be continued

The hair on her back prickled as the wind whispered up her spine. Though the sun was hot above, the coolness of spring had not yet left the air. "Damn, if i am to have one, in my next life i hope to be a warmer person," she thought shuddering slightly.
She tilted the screen of the computer further, squinting to read the words past the glare of the sun.
"hmm, no good."
Giving in, she snapped the computer shut and began to gather her things. Defeat to the indoors.
It was hard to stay inside on nice days. With Missouri weather you never knew if the following morning you would wake up to 80 degrees or snow; it was necessary to make the most out of the day where you could. The trouble was, being a college kid, there is never really a time you can sincerely say you have "nothing to do." There is always something you "should" be doing. (usually that something was the exact opposite of what you wanted to do though).
She sighed, knowing that it would be a long night again. Never ending, never ending. Why couldn't she be one of those girl's who just was content to live at home? Or run off with some wealthy man and spend her days shopping and basking at the pool with martinis. Though those thoughts sounded appealing now, like pickles, she knew they were only things she would think about liking until she actually had to take a bite.
"Hmm," she thought again, "maybe I should stop writing my internal dialogue of this afternoon and start cracking out my paper."
The celling light above had one bulb missing, but it still cast shadows of her fingers on the keys. The phone buzzed beside her reading, "Words Free: Your Move with Zi Pan." She made a face and stared at the screen. It wasn't even a hard paper...just an analysis of a presentation she had already done two weeks ago and gotten 58 out of 60 points on! It should be a breeze! She should be done and tucked in bed by now instead of tapping away wrapped in purple unicorn blankets next to an empty cereal bowl.
"Sheesh!"
But the focus was lost somewhere in the midst of track practice, nice days, boys she couldn't have, boys she could, possibilities for summer, New Zealand, peace core, inservice... anything else really. In fact, a communications paper on sexual harassment was the last thing she cared to consider.
"Maybe I'll just run away instead?"
Her mind cast thoughts on Colorado Mountains, oceans.. beaches.. somewhere, anywhere, hmm.. Her mouth craved gum she knew she'd have to leave the warmth of the blanket to retrieve from her room.
"Well, I guess I better do this then."
She stretched, yawned, and hit the "publish post" button.

Is it fair.
In a world where no one's there..
and everyone is somewhere.
To have to choose
between love
and what your chosen to do.

Do we not seek the comfort of others,
yet exist in a place where must run
far from each other.
To become our dreams.

A world we loose working as a team.
Must one loose for the other to succeed?
Must we only have one option to do..
never have our cake
and eat it to.

Is there no way to make path,
but setting foot prints
on different tracks
yet still keeping our hands in
contact.

In a world where technology takes flight,
we still hit the battle between,
Your dreams,
Our Dreams,
and mine.

In our journey forward...
into our lives.
How do we pick
which battle's right.
Do I wait for you
or find my dream..
do you wait for me
or do we both give in.

We do we have to choose,
what if I want your dream,
my dream,
and your hand too.

From the Inside Out

In discussion with my roommate today I realized an interesting aspect of childhood thought processes. She is someone I would consider to be very intuitive, analytical, and caring about others and the world around her. However, she told me that in her childhood and adolescence she had very little realization about the world outside her own mind and few memories of what she felt and thought about before her senior year of high school.

I guess this shocked me because I feel like I have always been very overly aware of everything. I often remember most things based on how I felt during the time, what I wanted to do to fix it.. or remember it.. or  make it go away. I have talked to others about their childhood memories and heard similar stories.. 

It just makes me wonder: As we grow do we start to realize things from the inside out and become more aware of things around us and how they impact us and us them? 

Or, for those of us who remember all of it... is growing the struggle to recognize things from the outside in? Is our maturing more to try to understand who we are and that we don't have all the impact or responsibility for the chaos around us?

I know my memories as a six year old, twelve year old, and sixteen year old are very different then my twenty one year old brain would process. As I age, I'm sure my forty and eighty year old brain will process them still further.. but I still wonder how much our interpretations of situations impact us as we become who we are, who we will be.. and remember who we were.

Are the forgotten things the scars of our hearts or the bandages over them? And of the things remembered.. how much is how it truly happened and how much is how we imagine it?

This life thing is pretty crazy and it seems the best things.. or at least the most vital... are the hardest.

I guess we only can think as we are, be who we will be, and remember what we receive. 

hmm.. oo the puzzles of life

Consumption

What I am
and what I will be
What I'm not
and what I won't
You can try to define me,
but I strongly suggest You don't.
I do not fit into a category.
You cannot shut me in a box.
I have lengths that sneak beyond my means.
I have ties that can't be cut.
So please don't try too hard to do it;
to try to figure this girl out.
For you will drown in your effort,
I don't even know what I'm about.
And please cease attempts to consume me;
I am thick and might cause pain.
For despite all the attention..
I still do not call out your name.

Iced Coffee and Sunshine

Iced Coffee and Sunshine
Yes, I know it will eb fine.
Yes, i;Ve known it the hole time...
Wind blown and shakken.
someThing left..
for-saken..
but my memories keep it.
from braKing.
He hasn't call ed in a year now..
(not that it's something i care about)
(not that it effects how it tUrns out)
Blown hair AND frilled skirts
i like the pane becauase it
doesN't hurt.
i'Ll take this day for all it's worth.
dripped blood but a smooth leg.
couldn't fEEl it, but it still stains..
i want to saVor this whole day.
I wish i felt the same way..
(but it never really goes away)
Iced coffe and sunshine
Yes, i know it will eb fine.
yes, i know it just takes time.