just dreams...

...i rolled over finders reaching blindly over pillows, something hard (water bottle?), a book.. stuffed animal.. Realization slowly seeped into my weary realization that the mass I sought was, once again, not there.

My fingers reached a small soft shape. I pulled it close to me without opening my eyes; the small battered stuffed unicorn was as familiar to me as my own fingers. Yawning widely, my brain had finally begun to except reality.. it was.. in fact.. just a dream.

It always happens that way. Dreams sneak in that are so real or so recognizable that your dormant mind believes they are real. Waking up is like a hard smack in the face, a rush of cold water when you thought you were basking in the sun light. For me this was the forth one this week. The forth one filled of him, him who i swore to myself i no longer longed for.. no longer wanted.

I had managed to release him from my daily thoughts, for the most part, pretty effectively. I was starting to think I would soon be ready to release him completely, let it go, welcome a new presence in the vacant cavity my heart had opened. The open plot reading, "For Sale: To Honorable Owner Who Will Treat It With Care."

Yet... there he was. Again. Forth Night This Week. So Real i Thought He Was Lying Beside me. I could almost feel his big hands on my face, pushing my hair back, watching for one sleepy one eyed blinks and muttered "I love you"'s i wouldn't remember saying.

I groaned, eyes finally opening to let the pale grey light of early morning filter in. Flipping on my back, I started at the rough tiles of the sealing without seeing them. I reached for my phone. It was still buzzing the obnoxious "bramm bramm bramm bramm," my sleepy mind had only started to recognize. I slid my finger across the screen to silence it. "5:43" it read. I groaned again.

Alarms always sound like something else in dreams. A distant interruption. An ambulance in the distance? The annoying girl in the corner who is shrieking for apparently no reason, maybe a school bell, or perhaps just a noise in the perimeter.. Just enough to bring the mind back to the surface from the  depths of the dreamy sea. Such a stupid interruption!

I squeezed my eyes tight together in attempts to return to the dream; it had just gotten good! Sadly, the responsibility persona of my self-conscious was starting to speak up. "Eden. Eden," It whispered with mild irritation, "You know you wanted to get your run out of the way early. Just think, wake up now, and you have the rest of the day to get stuff done, eat a real lunch, study at the coffee shop..."

"Ok. Ok. Ok!" I said out loud. It was rare we had a day off off track practice during the week. Since we had only just returned from a track meet in Indiana at 9:00 the night before, Sunday night, coach had given us just a small six mile run on our own for today's workout. I was looking forward to having my afternoon free instead of having the usual 2:30 practice.

I sat up, grabbing the phone and water bottle as I went.

...to be continued