The Want and Need

And I want nothing.
And I need nothing.
Yet, i'm fighting for it all.

Hold my hand.
Wipe my tears away.
While I watch you take the fall.

Yes, i'm sorry.
Yes i try.
Yes, i'm sad.
Yes, i'm angry.
Yes, i'm fine.
I swear i'm fine.

Are you excited?
Sure, of coarse.
Are you Happy?
Sure, why not.

Will this fix you?
No, i'm broken.
Will it change you?
It's worth a shot.

And I want nothing.
And I need nothing.
Yet, i'm fighting for it all.

And I love you.
And I love him too.
But, I still love me most of all.

And I want too.
And I want to.
But, it hurts to want it all.
And it hurts to watch you fall.

And it causes scares to open.
And it causes hearts to bleed.
And it makes the mind run circles.
And it runs rampant like disease.

And I'm sorry.
Yes, I'm sorry.
But... yet i will still leave.

i want nothing.
i need nothing.
but I'm begging.
Fix Me Please.

Card Game

I'm playing all my cards this time.
Cut the deck and call it black.
Throw the queen and tow the line.
It wasn't that the move was right,
but if the risk is worth the fight.
Maybe I could shoot the moon,
or loose it all and set my doom.

Too many moves too many times.
Watching breath and watching eyes.
I've got a choice,
this is my game,
too many hands here left to play.

So do I dive and take the risk,
or cut my losses, jump the ship.
Is it worth the fear behind,'
to steal the deck and play the sly.

Which move's wrong and which is right,
which will haunt me all my life.
Is there a chance that I can win,
despite the plays in others' hands.
Is my deck stacked to a tee,
or will the sacrifice be the death of me.

So tell me now,
should I play it safe...
take a hit but still gain.
Or should I throw in all the stops,
take the risk and reach for it all,
Cut my losses if I fall.

What move is right in this life game.
Too many cards here left to play.

The Battle's End

I'd been fighting many hours.
I'd been fighting all my life.
There was no one left to take me.
There was no one left alive.

I'd been running many miles.
I'd been running far and wide.
There was no one left to chase me.
There was no one left to try.

No more sorrows,
No more envy,
No more tears,
and no more time.

There was no one left to save me.
I had gone to far this time.
All the trials,
all the challenge,
all the shame,
and all the pride.
There was no one left to save me.
I had left them all behind.

I'd been been fighting for the finish.
Blood and gore and love and prize.
I'd been fighting to find answers.
But there was no one left alive.

I'd been running toward salvation.
Desperation in each stride.
I'd been running to prove something.
But there was no one left to try.

No more sorrows,
No more envy,
No more tears,
and no more time.

There was no one left to save me.
I had gone to far this time.
All the trials,
all the challenge,
all the shame,
and all the pride.
There was no one left to save me.
I had left them all behind.

No more sorrows,
No more envy,
No more tears,
and no more time.

Was it worth it, all the suffering.
Was it worth it all the time.
All the ones who did mean something,
left to lay there,
left to die.

No more sorrows,
No more envy,
No more tears,
and no more time.
 
There was no one left to save me.
I had gone to far this time.

There was no one left to save me.
I had left them all behind.

Whatever Gets You High. 

Chapter 1: Decision.

My chest rose and fell, rose and fell with a thump thump thump that grew louder and louder as I stared at the screen. Even sitting here, at this desk, balancing on my plyometrics ball, doing no exercise whatsoever, I felt like I had just run a marathon. 

Relief, nausea, anticipation, regret, and excitement coursed through my veins all at once. 

"Did I do it? Did I really make this decision? Oh, god. Oh, god, oh god, oh god."

My mind went numb; my fingers tingled. The everyday sounds of the busy office seemed muffled and strange as I heard the familiar "ping" from my gmail inbox that let me know I had received my confirmation e-mail. $1400 gone, but I, me, this person, had made a decision. 

I was moving to New Zealand. 

Own Path

No, and I don't want too.
Spread your wings, and take me home.
You're not something I belong too.
But, you're all I've ever known.

Catch my breath, and catch me wondering.
Take my hands, they are so cold.
You may leave me here with nothing.
But it's the path that's all my own.

I'm not scared and I'm not crying.
I can't stop, and I can't go.
There's a mist that wisps behind me,
but it's a comfort, it's your ghost.

So please follow close behind me,
But let me go at this alone.
I need faith and I need wisdom,
But I must do this on my own.

The Challenge

I don't want what your giving.
I never needed what your taking away.
So you call this living?
Well think twice before you ask me to stay.

My knees are shaking,
And my body is cold.
My naked flesh still surrounds you,
But moments grow old.

I wasn't fighting to save you.
You were never mine.
My heart belongs to another,
And it will every time.

So stop calling me "darling."
And stop leaving me notes.
It's not the sentence your starting,
It's one I already wrote.

And it started with never,
And it ended with mine,
In the middle was will you be
And I wrote it true.

I'm not trying to hurt you,
Just taking space and taking time.
I didn't mean to desert you...
But you'll never be mine.

So you say I'm a challenge,
A true battle cross.
Your up for the fighting,
But you've already lost.

For my heart is taken,
Far and wide to the sea..
Though I don't get to see him,
I belong to him
And he belongs to me.

Cold secrets

I needed a good reason
And you needed a good try
It was something like treason
But I couldn't tell you why

And as our new sun was setting
Behind clouds thick as ice
I found I'm regretting
We had't thought twice

For the bones in the ashes
Are cold to the touch
Besides all our passions
I've told you too much

Deep down where they all lie
The secretes run red
As I try to run by
They pass me up dead

I know it was worth it
I know that we tried
I know I deserved it
I should never have lied

But the secrets aren't hidden
Not here in my soul
I want to be ridden
I want to let go

Because where ever you are
To me, is still home.
Because where ever you are
Is where I want to go

Today's Motivation

I have to do something. I have to change my life. There are too many things I want to do and be for me to be waiting. I need my goals set.. Stop thinking and go after them. No more waiting, damn it. Do it. Get it. Go after it... sure your learning. No there is nothing wrong with where I am. But I want so much more. I need to go after all that I want to be and can be and will be... have to be.

What do I want? More opt... how do I get it?

Credentials? I need more... I have lots...
Jobs... I can do better?

Why? Because I am deciding I can.. stop waiting. Sure things come to you, but you can go after things too. Take it. Tackle it. Be it. Go get it. why not?

Who are you? Who do you want to be? What's holding you back? Nothing.... Good. Get off your lazy ass and get there.

Social? Social can wait. Put in the time, put in the work. Decide. Decide now and go after it now. Why not?

Today is the perfect day. Tomorrow is too. And the next day... who knows about the next day. Maybe the next day you'll be there. Maybe the next day will define you. Maybe... you'll be after something else. Who knows. You know.

Go get it. Life. Take it. It's yours.

Wait.. One more time

What if I told you I'm breaking
My wits falling through at the seems
What if I told you I'm making
My life life less and less what it seems

Where is the strength that beholds me
Where is the courage to bear
Why am I feeling so lonely
Why have all my worries turned fears

Hold on to the roots I am under
Hold on to the wind I befell
Take heed to the what spirits me onward
Take heed that I'm not stopping now

For I see what the path is worth taking
For I see that there will be a cost
I hope that I am not mistaking
I hope that it's not you that I've lost

Please say that you'll wait and you'll wonder
Please say you forgive me again
Look beyond all this pressure we're under
Look beyond all this time till the end

Hold me close till we flee past tomorrow
Hold me close from the fears of our lives
Let me go in the wind we both swallow
Let me go, I'll come back one more time

For through all my mistakes
Through the hearts that I break
Through the soul and wind and the mind
Hold me close, let me go, wait for me, take me slow..
I'll come back one more time
I'll come back..
For you're mine.

Regrets

Can I tell you that I'm sorry.
Can I tell you that I tried.
Was it you that night who called me.
Let it ring with no reply.

Can I tell you that I loved you.
Can I tell you that I cared.
Even from across the world.
Hard to reach, and hard to hear.

Can I tell you that I'd change it.
Can I tell you I'd do more.
Try to be more understanding.
Make you feel you weren't ignored.

Can I tell you I was busy, but never to busy for you.
Can I tell you that I'd do better.
Though now there's nothing I can do.

For it wasn't that I meant to.
For it wasn't that I knew.
How much my simple nature
Had in turn affected you.

Empty Space

The house felt huge. Massive, the walls were too far apart and the ceilings too high. Every foot step echoed in the emptiness as every floor board squeaked.

It had been easy at work.. Normal, really, save the sad looks that all said, "I'm sorry honey, are you okay." And the worried smiles that passed by her office door. But home, home was different. It was bare somehow, cold, empty, and desolate.

She's gotten used to him creeping out from behind her bedroom door at the sound of her clambering in through the back porch. She was used to peering in the living room to find him asleep, bare chested on the couch. She was used to throwing her arms around him, nusseling his chest and complaining about her day. She was used to having him, just like before. But now, like before, he was gone.

Now she was alone. So alone. She's run alone, eat alone, sleep alone. Before when she had no plans, she relished it for she had more time to lie and laugh in his arms. Now... She just felt empty. Too much space. To much air. Not enough time. "Someday," she thought, "someday we'll have endless time together." But for today, she was... Alone.

Steam of you and me

The cold dark prisms that angulate in your miss matched origami soul, leave me breathless.

I fight waves and patterns and strong holds just to know the feel, the release of letting go, of no longer wanting, of screaming... No no no... For all to hear.

It's this fear of the unknown, the darkness, and the undertow that captivates me... Sedates me.. And reminds me that with out you.. I am not whole.

So sing strong and high, my bird of prey. Keep my close to you, part of you, and most of you. Enrich my feeble minded heart with hopes to be fulfilled and stop tramping past the walls that I have built.

Break them, take them. Take me, for I am yours. I have been running for too long and my heart now beats strong.. Bong bong bong. In one voice, one final song, for see I've loved you all along.

So unchain these holy heels of metal that clasps, resuscitate, and underestimate the power of desire to transpire far beyond the realm that even I can tell. Unleash me, set me free, for yours, to be. Please.

Just have me. Have all of me.

Choices

You'll tell my your secrets
I'll tell you my lies
You'll ask me a question
I'll claim that I tried
You'll give my your honor
I'll grant you your prayers
You'll give me your ransom
I'll forget that you're there

Come once for the wedding
Come once for the call
Come once for the funeral
Come once 'till we fall

I don't want your treasures
I don't want your pride
I take what I wanted
You can't save my life

So kill me with kindness
I'm suffering so
So kill me with kisses
I'll still be your foe
So take me for something
I promise I'm not
I might take you for granted
But your all that I've got

Come once for the wedding
Come once for the call
Come once for the funeral
Come once 'till we fall

You'll tell me you love me
I'll tell you I'll try
Your all that I wanted
But I fear for my life

Ghost Runner

Run with me.
Cast your shadow.
I can feel you,
Every time.

Take a breath,
The wind surrounds me.
Deep in silence,
Fill my mind.

Run with me.
Keep me close,
You might be gone,
But never far.

Harsh breathing,
You're my ghost.
But I can feel you
In my heart.

Steady foot steps.
Faster gate.
Wind behind us,
Take the pace.

Life's never winning
In this race.
You set the bar
And then escaped.

Run with me.
Fill this void.
Feet still moving,
Have no choice.

Run with me.
Keep me strong,
I know you've been here
All along.

Take the silence,
Set the pace,
Run with me.
We'll win the race.
Leave these tear stains,
In your place.
Run with me,
Let us escape.

Give me a reason

Give me a reason
Some sad sorry truth
I'll take you for granted
Discard what I use

Give me an answer
A story book line
It's not something I asked for
But it's something that's mine

Give me a question
I'll write back I dont know
If I'm not what you wanted
Than just let me go

Give me your silence
Your sweet sorry breath
I'll take your air that surrounds me
Until I have nothing left

Give me it all
And don't take it away
I'll warn you I'm crazy
But i hope that you stay

Unknown feeling

The chaos that controls my wild indiscreet mind sends shatters of strong wind sharply stuttering through the essence of my bones.

I can't describe this inner turmoil, these breaking, breathing, increments that cause my heart to leap and turn and ultimately shut down..

Nonsensical feelings of remorse and unease, that set all passions beneath my wavering fingers aloft as I fight iron with irony and hesitation with haste.

Awe, but alas, in a the dark felt shadow that looms upon my soul.. I see light, somewhere.. Far... Beyond my relm of disbelief. It's casting strings of beams of fire, burning the path of flames across that deep dark fog that hangs ever above my willingness and need to be loved... And to give love.

For I am no messenger of great sort, no receiver of heed. I turn angst into agony, and leave before I feel I will bleed.. And yet, here you are.. Like a. Cold cut wrench deep in me.. You make my song ring though the iron lungs that lock it in the harth of the deepest confines of all my secretes kept.

And above it all.. Beyond what I have ever known or felt to cease to see.

I find...

I miss you, and frankly, that is very new to me.

Coward

To keep the crash
that manifests
behind the broken glass.

To shape the clay
that folds grotesque
into your daily mask.

To wear your pride
in cold hard steal
an armor made for shame.

To take the sword
forged by your hands
use it to slay the blame.

Now do not run.
Now do not fight.
Crawl back in your cave.

It gave you once,
it gave you life,
and all you gave was shame.

Prologue

The cold dark silence ripped through my body like I knife as the wind tore tore through my layers and cut straight to my bones. I did my best not to shiver; this was no time to look weak.
My men stood behind me, and I know as well as any, that any small fears I had were nothing in comparison theirs.
The intestine thing about loosing everything, is that it makes you brace... Or at least it makes you fight like you have nothing to loose.

Although, this time I did have something to loose. 4,000 men stood behind me. 4,000 men with wives, children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters.. 4,000 men with homes to return to, mouths to feed, and loved ones to protect. Suddenly my simple existence became an immense responsibility. I was their only hope, and in return; they were mine.

I could not vow to bring them all home safe, but I was willing to die trying.

I could see the masses gathering below us in the valley. They moved like thick molasses, shadows in the darkness, nothing more. A huge mob of shadows. I knew what we were up against; Heron's banners were at least 10,000 strong. Over twice as many men as we were.

Yet, we had the advantage. First of all, they had no idea we were coming. Second, we had come from the funnels, and taken the ridge. If we could keep them beneath us, than we could take the upper hand. I wanted the valley to run red with Huronian blood. I wanted them to know what it's like to watch your world be shattered... Just like they shattered ours.

Start the Day

The dim grey light leaked through the window pain as she churned under the soft covers.

"Make it stop!" she mooned lazily as the sharp, "bleeet, bleeet, bleeet, of the alarm echoed through the room.

She flipped over, turing herself away from the window light as she scrambled to find the wretched noise maker. "That's that happens when you fall asleep with your alarm in your bed stupid!" she thought angrily.

Finally, she grasped the little thing and jammed her finger on the "stop" button. "Awe, peace at last."

But something else wasn't right. She felt the covers soft against her skin and some hard, small object dug into her side. Eden looked up, "what the..." Sometime in her sleep, she must have become a stripper? Maybe in a dream?

Her shirt, watch, socks, and bracelets were strewn in all directions. "Huh," she thought feeling around for more loose materials. "What in the hell was I dreaming about!?" she racked her brain, but nothing came. It wouldn't have been the first time she'd done something strange in her sleep.

"Ugh," she groaned kicking her feet out against the heavy comforter. "What the hell!?" she screamed out loud.

Wet. Her foot was wet. Eden clambered out of bed, still dazed and confused. The rain fell heavy on her window pain. Even in the dim grey light she could see the thick droplets platter down.. And there, above her head.. They fell from her ceiling too.

"Ahhhhh!" the groan came from her throat like she were some kind of sick animal. It wasn't that the ceiling hadn't been leaking, or that it hadn't been raining for the last three straight days, but now, as her eyes adjusted to the light, she realized the true impact of the outside storm.

Where the leak had been, had grown remarkably. Ceiling plaster littered her floor and water dropped all across the crack, right above the foot of her bed. Groggy, angry, and now very wet, Eden made her way to the kitchen to gather more drip catching devices.

"What a great way to start the day!" she thought. And went straight to the cupboard where she hid her emergency chocolate supply.

Massacre

Cold cut silence
and a face full of dread,
It wasn't something that you did,
But it was something that you said.

Mismatched heart ache
And a sharp pains through your head,
If you tell me what your after,
I might take the pain instead.

Deep stunted silence,
And your feeling mislead.
Keep your hands where I can see them.
Keep your hands behind your head.

Sharp clear pain
All your limbs feel like lead.
Take your time to call the banners,
Take your time to leave them dead.

Fast break movements
Feathers rise from the bed.
Could please protect your heartache
Could you leave before it ends.

Hard loud echoes,
All your words filled with dread.
It wasn't something that you did,
But It was something that you said.

It wasn't something that you wanted,
But it still happened in the end.

Letting go

And the wind, my love...
Can you feel it? Does it rattle in your bones?
Are you scared, my love?
To be beneath it...
Are you scared to let it go?

Do the mountains in the distance..
Do they climb into your soul?
Can you feel them all around you?
Are their crests what makes you whole?

And the sky, my love...
Is it calling? So high above your mind
Does it whisper to you sweet nothing's?
Does it leave the world behind?
Do you think that your could fly there?
Reach beyond your minds confines..
Is it always what you wanted?
Will you leave us all behind?

Stay close, my love...
Don't tremble.
It will all be over soon.
It's true, my love...
I remember what it's like to feel the way you do.
Hold on, my love...
Its just a passing, a slip in time and space.
Look here, my love...
We are lasting.. Even beyond this place.