Sensation

How can I explain this bruning sensation... It crawls benieth my pores and prickles my nerve endings. One second it's agonizing, and I melt in pain. The next second it's gone, done, nothing... I start to think, "hu, maybe I'm okay?" 

But then it's back again, tugging at me, pulling at my skin and making me scream. Scream from within the very depths of my being. So sad, so full of angst and hurt, full of need and want, full of... Nothing.

Nothing at all. What is it? Who are you? What the hell do you want? Does it even matter any more...

He doesn't love you. He's moved on. He's had time to get past it. He never loved you anyway, and why does it matter. You had the cards. You stalked the deck. Play the hand you play. Deal your deal and face the consicounses. That's life, my dear, that's life.

...is it? Is life so cruel and forward. Is there no real fairy tale, no notebook ending. Is that why it must be written, written and dreamed up... Because it doesn't exist? Because love is temporary and fleeting, love is frequent and ordinary. Love happens every day, and what is givith can be taken away.

I don't want to believe that. Please, make the buring stop; make there be light at the end of the tunnel. There has to be some fairy tale, some notebook ending, something... All things cannot be so meaningless and fleeting. 

I want to believe in love. I want to have love, to accept it and believe it is not only real, but that it can really happen to me...

But I don't right now. I want to... I really really want to. 

How can something that's so good, hurt so bad? And from so many directions. God, stick the knife and turn it, but do you have to stick another knife as well... 

Yes, yes you do. Because I stuck the first knives. I made the deal, I paid the piper... And now it's my turn.

Numb, cold

Buring, prickling

Nothing, fine

How can I explain this sensation...it melts in my mouth and it threatens my eyes. It tortures my bones and then... It just dies.

Make it all go away.

Light me on fire

Catch the wind in the flames.

One more desire,

And I'll just go insane.

I'm on empty, 

My gage has run out.

I thought this was all that I wanted,

But it seems I am landing without. 

Don't touch me! 

Please

I burn hot. 

Full of weight 

Of soul 

Of desire.

Full of everything,

That I'm not. 

Here in darkness.

In cold.

In the light.

In the reason there's nothing 

Around me, 

In the fact that it's darker inside. 

Hold me up,

For I fear I am drowning. 

Holding me down, 

I'm afraid I'm all right.

Feel the walls,

They are crushing around me.

Fill the cracks,

Seal the air out tight. 

It's okay.

It's fine.

No worries.

What I want.

What I need. 

I'm okay.

No, god damnit! 

It's hurting.

Please make it all go away.

Please make it all go away.

Please... 

Please...

Make it all go away.

Transcendent

The world, it is running on empty,

And all that I've done is for not. 

I watched you fade away in the sunset,

And I gave up all that I've got.

The weight of this place,

It surrounds me.

The fire within,

It burns hot.

The truth is I knew what I wanted;

I knew it and still gave it up. 

I don't say I regret what I've done here.

It was you, it was me, it was all.

I learned all the valuable lessons, 

But caused all others to fall.

Now my being is spinning around me,

What it wants?

What it is?

What will be?

I do pray that you've finally found me,

And you see what I want you to see.

There are questions 

that no one has answered. 

There are wispers 

That no one has heard.

The weight of their message

Sorounds me.

Even though what they say,

Is absurd. 

I can't fight these waves

Full of empty. 

They remind me 

of all that I'm not. 

And maybe you've grown 

To resent me.

Or maybe I'm

All that you've got. 

So please, 

Face this fire together. 

Hold my had

And fade in or fade out. 

The truth is, 

I can take whichever, 

If I know what this all is about. 

Here, now, I need you 

Beside me. 

I can't face this alone, 

No, not now. 

That's one thing,

I know without doubt. 

The Fence

Time is imminent,
life immense.
I can't come down,
from this towering fence.

One side's peace,
the other depth.
I need them both,
or I have nothing left.

Take my hand,
remind me now.
I messed up,
but my mind was sound.

The path is dark,
the corners cold.
I don't know why,
you were never told.

Please forgive me.
Please let me go.
Please still love me.
Just let me know.

I can't stop spinning.
The water's deep.
But, the thought of drowning,
is just too bleak.

Maybe next time,
or someone else.
I just have to,
except myself.

I don't know.

Please... Take the emptiness.
I'm dying, cold in here.
I thought I knew just what I wanted.
But here I am not free.

Stop Screaming.
Spot Pulling.
Stop Fighting.
Let me be.
Who am I?
Who am I?
All I want is to be me.

Shut the curtains.
Let me out.
Close the window.
Set me free.
Let me out,
Let me out.
No, close me in.
It can' be.
It can't be.
No, no, no...
This isn't me.

Who is?
Where am I?
Where'd I go?
Come back.
Come back.
No, go go go.

I need you.
I need you.
I miss you.
You're my home.
I love you.
I love you.
Why the hell'd I let you go.

I can't go back there.
I can't be there.
I know that in my soul.
But...you're part of me.
It isn't fair.
I don't want to let you go.

Not there.
Not here.
I'm no where.
Grounded.
Stuck in purgatory.
Where's the fire.
Where's the sun rise.

Please please someone take me home.
Please find me.
Find me.
Where the hell did I go.

Who is this?
Who am I?
Who is this....

I don't know.

Finding me

No one ever tells you who you are or what you want. No one ever will.

I have by no means figured out what the meaning of this whole daunting existence is, but I think the key factor is finding out thy true self.

Maybe it's God or Allah or, hell, even the cosmos; I haven't a clue, but something up there pushes, us, directs us, and throws us through life like a tanaumbomb. We get doors, these options, ideas; if you will, then we choose. Choose our own path for one reason or another and on that path find another door, like where we're going... Or say, "the hell with this,"and jump ship.

I think I'm about to jump ship. I think...bull shit, Eden! I know I'm about to jump ship; jump ship into murky dark water. I don't know which ways up or down or sideways, let alone what on earth I want. I just know I WANT, I MISS, I NEED... something. And quite frankly, I don't think I'll ever find it here.

I need that fire that burns inside me and makes me, well, me. The only thing that's ever set me apart from all the other existence in the world. I seem to have lost my light. Lost that eternal spark that draws in sexy men's attention and old ladies smiles, that edge that sends me on great adventures and sets me free into untamed territory

... and GOD DAMMIT, I want it back. I want to feel free when I run and feel like I am doing something for me. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's dumb, maybe I am a little stupid person after all. BUT, I just want to feel free and not trapped. I just need to do something completely and totally because I want to and feel... well... feel right about it.

Maybe I never will... maybe that spark is gone. But I don't think so. I feel like kindling in a damp dark place of my inner ether. I sense it begging to be free.

I thought I was making the right choice in trying on a new hat. The love hat. I thought if I followed that path of chasing someone that maybe just maybe, I would evolve into someone who could love and was worthy of love. Maybe that inner need for family and security would kick in and I would want to settle down, be domesticated, become the person I think I ought to be... maybe...

Nope.

No go.

Still me.

Just feeling trapped.

I'm not trapped; I know its a mental cage. I know I could pursue my goals here, and quite possibly attain them, to some degree. Unfortunately, I think I know deep down that I am not here for me, and thus, I have hit a wall. I cannot fit in the confines of someone else's life. I want to; no, really, I do. BUT I am not functioning here. I cannot be in a box. I need to set my own confines; or better, yet, fuck confines, I need to set my own expanse. I do not operate within a box. I create the box. I destroy the box.

I want to make it in this life. I want to be the good woman that deep down I have always felt I should be. I want to...

but I'm not...

...and, quite frankly, I never will be.

I think I am finally realizing, that I'm okay with that.

I might be selfish and eccentric and outside the box. I might blur the lines and make my own rules, and that might be wrong.

But that's who I am.

I miss her.

I miss me.

I'm ready to be me again.

Where nobody goes

Summer nights and dirt roads
I left my heart where nobody goes
cricket chirps when the sun rose
hold me close while nobody knows

Oh I left my heart where nobody goes
Here in the dark in black clothes
hold me close while nobody knows
pray you'll never let me go

Lay down in the middle of the road
Feel the wind rustle through your bones
I left my heart where nobody goes
run with me 'till the moon shows

Oh I left my heart where nobody goes
All alone in the the outpost
Hold me close while nobody knows
Run away when they come close

Spinning fast in the fern grove
I left my heart where nobody goes
All at once then it came to a close
whisper now so that nobody knows

Oh I left my heart where nobody goes
summer sun in the shadows
fleeting light with my eyes closed
I left my heart where nobody goes

I hope its there when I come home.

Darling

o You take me in this moment.
Wash me, darling, make me clean.
For I'm tarnished and I'm broken,
though these scars remain unseen.

I don't deserve you,
all your kindness.
I'm full of bitterness and doubt.
And I wish to love you wholly...
but you're always left without.

How I long to be so normal,
to except such a good thing.
My dreams are bigger than my body,
and they take control of me.

I want to believe in all the love songs,
and say you are all I need.
But I'm a greedy little creature,
and instead it's everything.

I want time and I want freedom.
I want love and I want pain.
I need excitement and fulfillment,
climb the mountain,
climb again.

I can't stop and I can't settle.
Sitting still just makes me scream.
How I wish that I were different.
Then I could be your everything..

I should have given you a warning.
Darling, please... just don't love me.

Take the time to be here
smell the sea beneath your feet
breathe the air that swills around you
let the water make you clean

Take some time to notice
what you want and who you are
are you meant to live this moment
are you meant to go so far

Take the time to wonder
am I free or am I trapped
do I want what I am taking
am I leaving nothing left

Take the time to ask
is it real and is it me
take the time to know this
all you wanted was so be
all you wanted was to need
all you wanted was to see
and god damnit to be free.

Take the time and leave it
give it faith and give it hope
but if you're screaming on the inside
...then maybe you already know.
take the time
take it
take it or just go.

What is it that you want
what is it that you hope
because you say you'll make it somewhere
you say you'll make it more
but all you do is stand their spinning
and you never know for sure.

So take it.
Take it all
it's only time, dear after all.
Take it right, and left, and backward.
Take it now and let it fall.

Because it wasn't what you wanted...
No.. no it wasn't that at all.

Self Discovery

Is this life?
I call it ordinary.
I want extraordinary.
Make me real.

Is it something?
Anything but...
Cut me open.
Let me feel.

No more shades.
No more angles.
No more curves.
Or layers peeled.

I want raw.
I want excited.
I want deep.
I need surreal.

Deep breaths.
Like no one's watching.
Just yourself.
It's you and me.
But I'm not someone.
I am nothing.
And inside are only screams.

Screams for life.
Screams for yearning.
Screams for freedom.
Screams for air.

Here and now,
is suffocation.
I know it's beautiful,
but I don't care.

Take it in.
Go on take all of it.
Take the circles,
take the lines.
Make the world,
it's only lifetime.
Make it yours,
I'll make it mine.

For what I want...
and I am selfish.
What I need,
and I am blind.

Is to run,
and keep on going.
And never ever look behind.

For here and now,
in this existence,
despite it's beauty,
despite it's time.
I am lost,
and I am lonely.
I can't ever be this kind.

I need lust.
I need hurried.
I need crazy.
I need drive.
I can't be in ordinary...
or I will just loose my mind.

It's not your fault.
It's always mine.
In any life,
In any time.

For I'm a runner.
I am selfish.
It's not your fault.
It's always mine.

Internal Conflict

that's when you turn to ice

the ice then into glass

and with one touch

you shatter

and everything goes black.

But all at once your spinning.

this isn't me 

this isn't me

and deep inside your melting

how can this be 

how can this be

you never fit the mold here

the edges were all wrong

the shape was far too perfect

and it twists you

breaks your arms.

Though sometimes you are open

the sun comes seeping in.

It quickly turns to darkness

to remind you where you've been.

Who and I,

and how am I,

where do I fit,

what do I want,

what can I do...?

There's a thousand angry questions,

in a million unread thoughts,

and all of them are selfish; 

want the cake and eat it too,

And all of them confusing,

as the darkness fades to blue.

For to love is but a trial,

and two love more is purely sin. 

And the mess it's made inside you,

means that you can never win. 

Like a tourniquet to save you,

but it's cutting you in two.

Pick the blood for half your body,

but which half means more to you 

What If....

what if....
I'm screaming.
if I'm sucking for air.

what if...
I'm begging,
for something that's not here.

what if...
I'm lying.
And I've known all along.

what if...
there's nothing,
nothing you did wrong.

what if...
I'm sorry.
and I wish it weren't true.

what if...
I wish.
that I'd do anything for you.

what if...
I know.
You deserve better than me.

what if...
I'll never.
be who you need me to be.

what if...
I'm selfish.
and I'll always choose me.

what if...
this world.
isn't what we think we see.

what if...
it's true.
this is a beautiful life.

what if...
for you.
I should stay and be your wife.

what if...
I can't.
and I must be set free.

what if...
I leave.
I leave only for me.

what if.
what if..
what if...

I've failed you.
I failed you from the start.

what if...
I don't want.
I don't want to break your heart.

what if...
I go.
I go anyway.

what if I'm sorry.
If I wish I could stay.
what if...
what if...

what if I never change.