A Different Time and Place

Please give me your version of reality 

I'm the witness, I confess

I've been looking for an explanation,

but I can't seem to find one yet

Are there multiple outcomes?

One to two and three to one

too many variables

and, yet, equally

none

Can we start before we ended?

Can we have it both ways?

What if I want to journey, 

but I also want to stay

Maybe there's a universe

where it happend

the other way?

Where I wear an apron

in a kitchen

and the the distance

fades to grey

 

Maybe I am there

and here

and both 

 

Anyway... 

 

I think I'd like it

either way

to be the person

who decided she should stay 

Maybe that is me

in a different 

time 

a different place

 

Maybe... 

just not here

not today

Reality

the question sits heavy on my soul

I see the rudimentary colors

but, I can't seem to let them go

pink, and green, and turquoise

jasmine, salmon, red

is this sporadic spectrum

just something in my head?

can you see the explanation, 

even without the price?

the renewed information, 

just doesn't feel as nice 

 

perhaps if we remember

that forgetting's just as well

we can stay swathed in these colors

where light and dark can't tell 

 

a master piece of music

a synopsis of art 

do you see the meaning?

can you tell the two apart?

oh, tell me tell me

nothing

I prefer to feel the sound 

let my imagination run wild

fill in the grey around 

make me make me smile

I know its all a dream

but, really what's reality 

if not what we choose

to see

That's Me

Yes, that's me

who's smiling as a tear rolls 

from my eye

no, no, I cannot explain

I may never know why

 

One minute I am spinning 

smiling at the sky

the next I'm laying on the ground

shaking as I cry

 

Perhaps, its good to know

that feelings can be real 

even if I'm never sure

how I really want to feel

 

Love or adventure

always torn between

can I give up half myself

and still keep all of me

who am I supposed 

to feel like I'm 

supposed to be

 

Is he holding out his hand?

Should I default to the sea?

Jump on in and catch a wave

See where that takes me

 

Will there always be a distance

that is just a little out of reach 

will the ground ever feel 

solid, beneath my 

moving feet

 

laughing laughing 

out loud

and crying silently 

yes, dear, I am happy now

and sad

and mostly 

just me 

Wondering Soul

Scraped knees and stolen hearts

I was going to tell you 

I loved you

but my words

they fell apart

 

Can you see it?

the feeling

in my eyes

as I cling to you

 

Please please please

Don't let me go

But, you do

because you love me

because you actually know

 

That loving a wondering soul

is letting them go

 

Just be "Eden" you say

as you walk away

and we both cry in the rain

 

I wish it didn't have to be 

this way

 

They say loving someone

is letting them go

I understand that now

But, I wish it wasn't so

 

I am a wondering soul 

 

You don't try to hold me down

make me your own

you see my wings

and you let me go

 

I wish it wasn't so

 

Just stay "Eden"

No, no, no

Do you know how much

I want to be

anyone who 

isn't me

 

It is a hard and lonely life

being a wondering soul

 

I cry in the rain

as you let me go

 

It is a hard and lonely life

being a wondering soul 

 

My heart breaks 

again

as I watch you go

It is a hard and lonely life

being a wondering soul

 

It's Not Alright

What I'd like to say: I'm angry.

 

I've been angry for years.

 

Ever since I had a best friend

and then I didn't.

And then it happened, again

and again

and again.

 

Friends.

Family.

There. 

Gone. 

 

Do you see it? 

Your path of destruction?

How your feelings, 

create a tornado

ruining everything in its path.

You look at me 

with those tear stained eyes, 

and I feel 

nothing.

Nothing.

 

I can't coddle you.

I won't.

Its not my responsibility

to make you like yourself.

 

And, its not fair.

That you keep asking us to. 

 

You choose

if you can be okay.

I get it.

Life is hard.

It sucks.

 

No one gets through life unscathed. 

But, being caught in 

your constant path of destruction

it isn't okay.

Even when I try

so damn hard, to run away.

 

Peace.

Peace.

Keep the peace.

Be the person,

who's even,

who's always okay. 

 

It's fine.

It'll be fine.

Smile.

Hug.

Apologize.

Apologize. 

Apologize. 

Apologize. 

 

What are you sorry for?

I don't know? 

Being alive?  

Guess what?

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry this time.

It's your problem,

and it isn't alright.

Stop.

Making.

Other.

People.

Responsible.

For.

Your.

Feelings. 

 

I'm tired.

And, it's not alright. 

 

 

 

 

 

What I Should Have Said

I blurt out

"I love you"

You call my bluff 

(I wasn't bluffing)

You tell me

"You've loved lots of people"

What about him

What about him 

(I've learned the difference

between love and infatuation)

(There are different types of love.

Young love. Hopeful love. Desperate love. 

Real love. It's hard to know the real love.)

 

(I don't know how to tell you. 

I realized it was real love.

My love for you.

It's a love that's in my core,

it won't go away.

It's that I would build a 

life with you 

love.)

 

You tell me, 

you don't love anymore. 

 

(I don't believe you.)

 

I'm too afraid to call your bluff.

You look too sad.

It may be my fault. 

I don't know how

to take that back. 

 

(I'm sorry.)

 

You tell me you're sorry,

you're really in it right now. 

(Can I hold you up?)

 

(Helpless)

 

(Can I trade my useless love?

For your happiness?)

 

I tell you I don't give signs 

to random people.

 

You tell me 

you're not random.

 

(And you never will be.)

I see you.

I see you still love.

Nothing more and Nothing less

Is it intuition?

Or, inception

in those eyes

I don't know how

to explain it 

but, that smile

drives me wild

Give me something 

to believe in

remind me 

that its fine

we're all hiding 

bloody scares

did you catch a glimpse

of mine

Wink and dance 

around me

surround me with 

your heart 

even if you know

I may tear it apart 

 

Let yourself be open

I'll do my best to comply 

in the trail 

of broken hearts 

we're all just trying to get by 

Life and love and loneliness

I see through the mirage

we're all still in love

with someone 

still fighting back 

the fear

that if another person

gets in

they might ruin 

us again 

So, put your arms out, 

darling 

I am complicated, yes

but if you kiss

my tiny tremors

I'll be your 

lovely complicated mess

 

Nothing more

and nothing less 

Reflections

Do you ever wonder, if people disappoint you because you fucked up?

Or, if you fuck up because people disappoint you?

I wonder... Am I perpetually stuck in this cyclone of disappointment, hoping to be loved for me and accepted the way I am because I put myself there, or am I reacting to the lack of acceptance I feel?

I want to know the anwser... If it is me, if I am the one who keeps fucking up, I really and truly would like to fix it. But, if the only way to fix it is to assimilate to what other people want and ignore my own heart, how is that fair? 

Am I delusional? I don't want to be. I hate this. I hate sitting alone on the weekend of my birthday wondering what it is that I've done. I know I fuck up everything. People love me and I'm scared, and then, I screw it all up. I distance myself, I shut down, I start seeing someone else, I try to leave. I'm like a rotten core in a perfectly good apple. Then, when I finally start to think that maybe, love can be real... I'm too late. It's too far gone. 

From then on out, I'm bad. I'm the bad person who fucked up, and I'm just supposed to accept whatever I get. I get it. I deserve it. I think. 

But, how far is too far. How far is, "hey that isn't fair!" How much do I need to be punished. 

 

Maybe forever. Maybe that's the anwser. Even if I learn, and grow, and love, and try and try and try and try... It's too late. I'm tarnished.

 

Someone explained it to me once: "It's like dying Easter Eggs," he said, "Why would I try to fix an egg that's already dyed black when a perfectly clean, fresh egg is in front of me ready to be colored." 

It makes sense.

Still, I do wonder if it is all me. If I felt accepted, wanted, loved, like my goals and dreams mattered, etc., would I fuck up in the first place? Or, am I fucking up because I am already disappointed. Am I disappointed because I am delusional, or do other people also do things that hurt me? Does my fucking up make all other things done by the opposite party okay and irrelevant? 

Is that why I fuck up? Is it because taking the blame on myself makes the disappointed feeling fair and relevant? 

 

I guess I don't know.

 

What I do know is... I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I can't change who I am, but I will be better. I hope that will account for something.  

Gluten

Love or something like it

if you forgave me

I forgot

 

I'm a demon 

I am reckless

I will break your heart

 

You should watch out

heed my warning 

I pack a one-two punch

 

and when you're dry heaving 

in the morning 

then, I will demand your love

 

I hate it 

Oh, I hate

I wish that I could change 

I'm a gluten for disaster 

a convict 

with no name 

take me by suprise

I dare you

try it!

do the same

 

you'll end up with 

two black eyes

but my pride

will take the blame

Fade

Can't you feel me breaking?

As I lie here next to you, 

you're quite arms 

around me,

my body shakes and shifts. 

What am I supposed to say?

That I just want to be loved 

and no, no that's not it

I want to be loved and supported

I want to go on a trip 

and have someone who

wants to go with me

 

I want to go to a wedding

and be with someone who 

doesn't kick and scream

I want to feel like

a fucking team

I want to be a part of your life

I want you to be a part of mine

I don't want to be with someone

and still be alone all the time

I am leaving, always

but, even still 

you could leave with me

or wait

or support me 

as I go

 

I would work with you

I actually would

but, no one ever wants you

if you don't fit 

their mold

 

So I morph

and I try 

and I change

and I'm fine

and I cry

but I'm fine

I'll get over it 

I'll get over it

I'll get over it 

again 

again 

again

I'm fine

 

I loose my mind

 

Maybe I'll stop trying 

just let it fade away

Maybe that's the anwser

 

I'm lonely anyway