Reflections

Do you ever wonder, if people disappoint you because you fucked up?

Or, if you fuck up because people disappoint you?

I wonder... Am I perpetually stuck in this cyclone of disappointment, hoping to be loved for me and accepted the way I am because I put myself there, or am I reacting to the lack of acceptance I feel?

I want to know the anwser... If it is me, if I am the one who keeps fucking up, I really and truly would like to fix it. But, if the only way to fix it is to assimilate to what other people want and ignore my own heart, how is that fair? 

Am I delusional? I don't want to be. I hate this. I hate sitting alone on the weekend of my birthday wondering what it is that I've done. I know I fuck up everything. People love me and I'm scared, and then, I screw it all up. I distance myself, I shut down, I start seeing someone else, I try to leave. I'm like a rotten core in a perfectly good apple. Then, when I finally start to think that maybe, love can be real... I'm too late. It's too far gone. 

From then on out, I'm bad. I'm the bad person who fucked up, and I'm just supposed to accept whatever I get. I get it. I deserve it. I think. 

But, how far is too far. How far is, "hey that isn't fair!" How much do I need to be punished. 

 

Maybe forever. Maybe that's the anwser. Even if I learn, and grow, and love, and try and try and try and try... It's too late. I'm tarnished.

 

Someone explained it to me once: "It's like dying Easter Eggs," he said, "Why would I try to fix an egg that's already dyed black when a perfectly clean, fresh egg is in front of me ready to be colored." 

It makes sense.

Still, I do wonder if it is all me. If I felt accepted, wanted, loved, like my goals and dreams mattered, etc., would I fuck up in the first place? Or, am I fucking up because I am already disappointed. Am I disappointed because I am delusional, or do other people also do things that hurt me? Does my fucking up make all other things done by the opposite party okay and irrelevant? 

Is that why I fuck up? Is it because taking the blame on myself makes the disappointed feeling fair and relevant? 

 

I guess I don't know.

 

What I do know is... I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I can't change who I am, but I will be better. I hope that will account for something.