Opaque

Give me your life, your light, your consequence.

I'll determine if you do, in fact, get a pass.

For love, what it is you want from this,

decides, truly, if it lasts.

I'm a product of deception, 

lord knows I love a lie.

A secret, and a challenge, but still look me

straight dead in the eye.

If you offer to me clemency, 

accept me as I am,

decide my moral merkiness 

is, in fact, instead, a gem.

Well, I'll give to you my whole heart,

undivided and untamed.

Not a stutter or a start,

but an oasis, yet unclaimed.

Tell me, truly, could you love me?

Peaks and valleys, climbs and falls...

I will always be a challenge, 

but a reward, both great and small. 

Let me see you, let me know you, 

just please promise me the same. 

I'm a shadow of a person, 

shining vibrant through the grey. 

Consequence

Give me your light, your life, your consequence 

All witnesses be damned

I am sure I could be jealous,

But you wouldn't understand

It's a virtual explosion

a chaos of the mind

There's a fear for when it's over

our souls will just collide 

I'm not lost, or found, or falling

just existing, here, in space

suspended in this moment

a solid form to be displaced 

A lucid essence of a whisper

a quiet silence of the mind

that results in just a shiver 

like a life passing you by 

Oh, I've seen the way you know it

the openness and pain

the arrogant approach 

to a world caught in the wake

Tell me, tell me, tell me,

No, yet, show me with your mind,

is the picture finally clear now?

Or, did I just leave you behind?

Dregs

Yesterday's cold coffee, and bags under my eyes
I wish I didn't think of you, and I still just want to cry

it's not like we were something, I just miss you in my life

and the thought that I'm no more to you than these dregs of cold caffeine

a slight but stagnant memory of what maybe could have been

but, yet, never fully was

a feeling I'm consumed by

while you,

you just move on

god, if I don't hate you

or want to anyway

I can't believe you let me think

I mattered

Ha, okay

how dumb to see the signals

the signs in glaring lights

you never saw me as a person

you just saw me as a slight

and hopeful feeling 

a possibility 

a glance

and now I drink cold coffee

and wish we had a chance

just a few dregs, that's all that's left

Doldrums

I just wish I didn't miss you.

How it occupies my brain.

One minute I am working,

the next you're on my mind.

Like a slowly seeping cancer 

just one thought and then a stream

of love and loss and loneliness

of hope and pain and dreams.

In a way, I think I hate you

for treating me this way

In another, I'm the villain.

Would it have been different,

if I stayed? 

Now I'm standing at the presuppose 

of a river soon to fork.

Should I flow down the stream

you stand near?

Or should I choose a different course?

Does it even really matter?

The choice has to be for me.

But, god, would I be lying 

if I told you my heart has given up,

that my brain is not relentlessly stuck

on the thought of you and me.

Perhaps, we will be shadows

passing through the night.

I'll see you on the sidewalk,

smile and walk by.

Or maybe you're my future. 

Only time will tell, 

but, damnit, in the meantime

if this feeling isn't hell.

Your God

I believe in your god in the morning

But, at night, he's just too far away 

I can't see his light through the darkness

can't hear his voice in the crowd

Tomorrow could be different

But tomorrow, I'll be out

of tears, and lies, and tragedies 

How I could use that god right now

Can you send up a prayer to him?

Ask him what he sees

a sinner in the darkness

a wretch begging on her knees

Does he want to grant salvation?

Is it even his to grant?

The flicker of the savior

seems so damn far into the past

Release

Cut your teeth on this leather, 

It's too dead to bleed

You said you wanted sympathy 

But what was it that you need? 

Fuck it. Aren't you tired?

of sitting on your knees,

Your head can't get much higher

Your begging makes you weak

Tell me it's a triumph 

Watching my concious fall

Tell me it's a miracle

That you even came at all 

I can see the perspiration

forming on your brow

But instead of looking tired,

You seem more fierce somehow

and yet, and yet,

your crying 

The tears don't reach the ground

Is this really an expression

Or are you just holding on too tight 

release, release, just lose it

I want to see you bleed

Show me that there's more to you

than this person on their knees

I'm not here to find an answer

Either you have it or you don't 

But as you start to quiver,

I do worry that you won't 

It's a rude amalgamation 

a collection of odd parts

a very strange beginning, 

I should have guessed this from the start

Cadaver

Forget your affirmations

You're a criminal, denied

I see the way you slit me open

Even if it was just in my mind

I've been bleeding out on the table

My guts litter the floor

You are standing over me

All my blood, you just ignore

Though it's sticky on your fingers

Does it smell like bittersweet?

Did you really forget? 

That's the way you treated me.

Like I was a cadaver, 

just a hunk of rotting meat. 

You smile and you call me.

"How's your day?"

"How have you been?"

I've been on a fucking rampage.

"Oh, I'm fine."

I'm just dying deep within.

And I think I swear 

I want your love

Though it's brash 

And it is cold

There's some part of you, 

I'm fighting for

That is worth this feeling 

no?

Musings

I miss you so much, my teeth hurt.

Perhaps, I'm just clenching my jaw

But, I swear you took a scalpel,

cut me open, left me raw.

Is it really you I'm missing?

Or the loss of what could have been?

Was it merely an idea, 

The reality unperceived 

or the knowledge that you never

could imagine loving me?

Fuck. My knees are shaking, 

I swore I wouldn't cry.

But you're just standing there, 

palms up, in the background of my mind.

I want to yell and scream at you, 

to demand you say you care.

But, I can't make you materialize 

something that was never really there. 

Did I fancy I was special?

Imagine we were great?

Invoke a hopeful premonition

of the life we both could make?

Typically, I'm better,

at dismissing musings as just that,

yet, this time I could see it

and still it just fell flat. 

Do you know how hard it is,

for me, to let somebody in?

I don't give my heart so easily, 

always drifting with the wind. 

No, I never fully gave it, 

always one foot out the door,

but you almost made me think, 

you'd be worth the fear of

stepping closer once more.

Stamina

Did you rip out my sternum?
On your way to inspect my heart

I feel like someone mauled me,

tore me right apart

There's blood on the counter

a spleen left by the drawer

Maybe that's my liver

lying on the floor

Not that it matters

Here in shatters

wanting more

If you do decide to come back 

I'll be waiting

like before

I'm sure you didn't mean it

I'm sure it was by mistake

You just wanted to see it

The beats my heart might make

Did you ever reach it?

that deep and wretched thing,

see that it is in fact intact

albeit, hanging by a string

It could withstand your flogging

It could withstand your pain

But, damit, if it wasn't too much

to withstand you walking away

So I guess we'll be here waiting 

my heart, my parts, and me

If you happen to come back again

Yes, this is where we'll be

Hoping for your presence 

pining for your touch

Praying that this time

We aren't deemed to be too much

Teeth

Just because I'm easy going 

doesn't mean I don't care

Just because I'm not assertive

doesn't mean I'm weak

Letting you have the upper hand

staying aloof and at arm's length

I thought that was what you wanted 

You never asked for all of me

Would it matter if I'd said it?

Would it matter if I tried?

Would it matter if I yelled and screamed?

Instead of smiled and walked by?

Did you want to see my backbone?

Were you looking for my teeth?

I'm not sure you could handle it,

if I gave you all of me.

I'd have left you bleeding

crying on the floor.

Was that what you wanted?

Would you be begging me for more?

God, I am so tired,

My insides - empty, raw

Like everything, I thought I was

Suddenly, it's gone

A carcass in a desert

Carrian for vultures

morsels for the dogs

And you just walk right past me

grimace, and move on

Was that what you wanted?

All the meakness all the brush it off

or would you have liked me better 

if I'd gone straight for your heart

I guess now the option's gone

122

Hate me ‘till you know me 

Know me just for sport 

You think you have the answers 

And reasons, it’s an art

Love me ‘till you see me

All the shadows 

All the night

I was trying to bring sunshine 

Then someone turned out the lights 

Hold me ‘till it’s over 

Can you keep me 

Though it’s dark 

I promise I’ll recover 

I just need that hint of spark 

121

Quietly she waits for the other pin to drop

Hidden in the hallway, there’s no way to make it stop 

The shouting, the yelling, the throwing of hands 

She listens and listens, but she can’t understand 

Why can’t love be the answer 

Or humor, or glee

Why must there be anger

And violence, and greed 

She’s stuck, she’s a child

There hiding again

Seeking a solution to a problem 

She doesn’t understand 

120

Wait, just one minute

Yes, I know that it's been years

But the rush of your resolution

It is still ringing in my ears

I don't understand your timeline

Mine has never quite made sense

wait and wait, then all at once

But, is it too late now?

Please, just one more moment

I need a chance to breathe

All this time, I was just floating

In the murkiness of doubt

Now that I can see clearly

It's like I was living in a dream

And now your face has gone from phantom

to an actual real thing

I just need to marvel

at the contours of your face

at the possibility

that you could be mine,

ensure it's not just some mistake

Please, okay, okay, be patient 

I'm going to pick you

We all know

But, I just need a second

to remember how to let go

119

How do you feel about 

God and other monsters?

How do you feel about

wishing I were there?

Is it something you've been thinking about,

or do you actually not care?

What I wouldn't give 

to feel your kiss

against the inside of my palm 

and know your lips 

were worth the wait 

and the pain of holding on.

I'm a falcon on a tether

a beast on a frayed leash

I could break it if I wanted

but what would it really mean

to be free

and not have you

to see, if only 

in my dreams 

How do you feel about

a life worth living?

What are your thoughts on 

hopes and dreams?

Are we walking side by side

or have you left me 

in the streets 

screaming 

and screaming

and screaming 

and screaming 

screaming your name

wondering why in the hell 

you never, ever came

What I wouldn't give 

to feel your hand

on my heart 

and know your fingers

can tell my heartbeat apart

from the palpitations of life

to the rhythm of belonging 

what I wouldn't give 

for you to 

recognize my longing

I'm a falcon on a tether

a beast on a frayed leash

I could break it if I wanted

but what would it really mean

to be free

and not have you

to see, if only 

in my dreams 

118

I’ve been acting with reckless abandon

Though I see that my actions were wrong 

I keep laughing in the face of my anger 

I keep hoping a saving grace will prolong

All the dreams that I’ll one day encounter

All the goals that I might just forsake 

As I kneel at the base of your alter

Please forgive me, these recent mistakes 

 

117

You suppress your inner demons

With a smile on your face 

But, there’s a hint of something evil

That your smirk cannot escape 

You’ve given way for reason 

And decided it’s for not 

You’re the villain 

You're the heathen 

Did you think we just forgot 

104

Your desperation excites me

That's not something I should say out loud

Yet, I keep crashing through the silence

In hopes of hearing your crying sounds

Sure, I'd still give you water

in a desert, dry and bleak

but, I might hesitate - a little

just to see how well you plead 

I don't like this version of me

a cold and careless type

but, you took something from me

and it still keeps me up at night

There's an evil streak within your soul

I've seen these types before

one moment you seem wonderful

the next I'm on the floor

and not sure how I got here

or why your knife's against my throat

I had the audacity to think you cared

I don't think that anymore 

for in the face of denying 

that in which you want

you chose instead to concur 

all my hopes, my worth 

just gone

So now I see you clearly 

such a punitive little man

can't you see the real danger

how the tables have now turned

Oh, I seem so meek and mild

kind, forgiving, just a doll

but the moment your manipulation 

wore me tired 

I became a lurking shark 

Turn your back, now,

try it,

I'll rip out your worthless heart 

116

Unabashed, she asks me to stay 

I can’t find it in me to just walk away 

So we sit on her porch for about half an hour

Before her eyes fill with tears 

And her heart turns sour

Suddenly, I know I should have gone home 

For sitting here with her, is worse than being alone 

114 - Thoughts in a bucket

I'm just kind of tired
and you're kind of scared

we both know I'm wired 

for indecent affairs 

---- 

I have $37

and a bus ticket to Portland, ME

I'm not sure where I'm going

But I know from whence I came 

----

Radio Silence

Is it empty on your head?

I would have thought 

you'd like the quiet

yet, you're lashing out instead 

----

From the song: "The Only Thing Left" by Vincent Lima

(Just consistently stuck in my head)

"I don't care if we're next in the morning,

or the only thing left in the room,

'cause I finally trust that you love me,

and I finally think I love you"

----

It's you

It's you

It's always you 

----

115

It's just consequence, not design

we find ourselves in a different time

where I am yours and you are mine

we tried to avoid it 

but here we are

you and I still wishing 

on the same bright star

still holding on to a distant soul

connected by some lingering hope 

that won't refuse to let go

and you smile 

and I laugh

and we both know

it was always so

you loved another

as did I

neither lackluster

but those loves, one day, gone by

and ours remained 

standing still in the rain

different time

different place 

now I smile at you 

and you hug me tight 

it wasn't consequence 

just design

perhaps divine

who am I 

to ask why

113

She holds her cards close

Never explaining how she feels

What does she feel? 

It’s endless 

How does she explain to someone

That her feelings are like water

Often just a trickle 

A drop

A rare rain on a summer day 

Unsure if it’s real or if she made it up

Until it starts to downpour 

Full fledge flood

Lighting, thunder 

It’s like it’s nothing 

And then it’s everything at once

112

He looks over at me and says,

 “you’re beautiful.”

And I laugh, because, I’m not 

People fall in love with me for being 

Vibrant, genuine, unique 

I feel confident that in a room full of people 

When the conversation opens up 

I will be one of the more interesting people in the room

People pick up on my satire 

My imagination 

My determination 

My wit 

But, beauty?

No, no

Most people only seem to realize I’m beautiful 

When there letting me go 

Like an after thought 

An “ah ha!” Moment 

When the other pieces of me that they saw sparkle

Fall away 

And their sitting across from me at the table 

Trying to decide if it’s time to move on 

That’s when they look up, 

Almost confused 

Considerate 

Like they just opened an oyster

To realize a pearl had been there 

The whole time 

“Hu…”

“… you’re beautiful”

They say

But, it’s not enough

Beauty 

To keep them from walking away 

Because that’s never what they noticed 

In the first place 

111

“What if I want it?”

I ask, knees shaking 

Hands clasped tight into fists. 

“What if I want you to love me? 

Not in some stupid, reckless way with an end and a beginning, but instead in that real way. The way that seeps through the depths of your bones and becomes a piece of you. It doesn’t need to end or begin because it has always been. It’s in the way you breathe, the way you think, the restlessness and peacefulness of your best and darkest dreams. It’s the little light on the worst days and the spark on the best ones. It’s so deeply ingrained in your soul that you know, even if we don’t make it, I’ll always be a part of you. I’ll always be with you, in some small way, that’s actually bigger than anything.

I want to be loved like that. 

Or, damnit, don’t love me at all.”

110

Catch a falling star

A shinning light from god 

A whisper of a an echo 

Of a magic out, and far 

Does it illuminate your psyche 

Remind you of your home 

Deliver you from sadness 

Make you feel, well

Less alone 

I can see the light 

Illuminating 

The confines of your soul

It’s a shimmer 

It’s a sparkle 

It’s a reason to let go 

109

God and other monsters 

Tell you believe in ghosts

I can feel their casts among us 

Feel them glimmer 

Hear the notes 

Of a long forgotten melody 

That lulls us both to sleep 

It used to be our anthem 

Now it’s lost somewhere to the deep 

I don’t believe in coincidence 

It’s deliberate, it’s a crime 

For in those moments 

Though quite fleeting 

I swear that you were mine 

So pray to those who’ll hear you 

Make sure you say amen 

For, babe, in the morning 

It won’t be up to one of them 

108

Do you find it entertaining?

Fighting for your life

Does it keep the wild thoughts at bay 

Turn the hatred away 

Is there nothing left to say 

If you’re constantly in strife 

Maybe it’s the melancholy thrum 

Of day to day 

The setting of the sun 

The stars shinning in the same place 

You were looking for a challenge

A reason to be free 

But is it really freedom 

If you’re constantly running 

107

She’s light in a dark way

Like dusk in the morning 

A burst of heat on a cold day 

Hail storm without warning 

106

It’s a bluebird morning

The wind rustles through the trees

Sun shinning high above me

The world is dazzling 

It’s a peak spring day

Flowers bursting all around

Gentle chill left in the air

As the life comes bursting from the ground 

It’s a day for new arrivals 

It’s a day for breaking free

It’s a day to celebrate the fact

The life is a magnificent thing 

105

Open eyes and bleeding heart 

How can you look away from all those scars?

Can’t you feel them in your soul 

How deep the pain that truth must hold 

103

Blatant indignation 

At its core, I do attest 

With that wild imagination 

You conjure falsehoods, 

I digress 

It’s a vapid conversation 

Roll my eyes and walk away

I could use more stimulation 

Your voice grows tiresome, 

I do say 

It’s a lost communication 

Reaching idly for the door 

With extreme exasperation 

Can’t you tell, 

You’re just a bore 

102 - Silence

There’s an idleness in silence 

It stretches straight on through the void 

A commitment to the violence 

That sound would soon destroy 

Can you hear it in a echo 

Of a match stick, dropped to spark 

A reminder, a memento 

Of a once beat beating heart

How it pains me to mistake it 

For a single dying note 

When in reality that second 

Was just the moment the word choked 

It forgot what next to utter

The umm, uh, the like 

Like the pause caught in a stutter 

Before the word wins out the fight 

It’s the moment that the breaks 

Catch upon the ice

In the silence the car skates 

Before the screeching comes to life 

Oh they say it’s ever fleeting 

You can barely tell the sound 

But it did die for a second 

Just enough to calm me down 

101

I don't want your Monday morning make-up 

Or your Friday evening confidence in the aftermath of booze

No, I want to be here for the Tuesday morning wake-up

and the Mid-week Wednesday blues

Yes, I want to see the full picture 

What is it that makes you uniquely you?

I don't want your plastered smile

Or your picture-perfect, curated attire

Don't waste your time with your resume

Or whatever they said it is that you ought to say

Don't give me those perfect lash blinks

or the rub against the arm

I'm not looking for that unrealistic charm 

What I'm looking for is the ugly cry

The nasty zit on the tip of your nose

That you suppose is gross

hit me with your cheat day

exercise, sweat, and hairspray 

I want authentic, okay

I won't have it any other way

Because I've seen beneath the facade 

the plastic lacquered varnish 

you wear every time that you go outside 

That version of you just isn't true

I don't know how to get it through, 

you're so much cooler when 

you're just YOU

100

Do you believe the lies inside your head

And wonder would they make 

The world be a better place instead

Or would it just be fake 

A life that lost its color 

Though suffering was gone 

Is it worth it to smell flowers 

When some won’t live to see the dawn 

How can we justify the means 

Does the gain negate the price

Can you tell me who you want to be 

In the silence of the night 

99

The sun roomettes on the idea of sticking around

Cool wind caresses my face, with a passing cloud

The smell of rain hangs in the air

A drop, a splat, a trickle there 

Can you taste the breath of spring?

With hope for growth, does nature sing

In times of change, a cold snap comes

Yet hope of warmth shines through the sun 

 

98

I don't know the reason

Yea, I never got the why

but, with the changing of the seasons

you were no longer mine

maybe it was the chill 

that blew in through the leaves

or the sudden loss of daylight 

that used to keep us warm

for as I watched your smile 

in the shadow of the night

it splintered into fractures

as a grimace slowly formed

I used to listen to the song, 

"it's 2 am and she calls me because

I'm still awake, 

can you help me unravel my latest mistake? 

I don't love him, 

winter just wasn't my season."

Now the cold air sinks to the depth of my 

fare bleeding heart

and I realize winter is just the start

perhaps I will love you when 

dawn turns to spring

maybe you'll love me 

when the leaves turn to green 

and the frost becomes flowers and dances

but today in the twilight of 

a six o'clock moon

I feel your spine stiffen

to the breath that I hold

so snuggle another 

and find me in May

for again with the flowers, 

might our love grow again 

97

Can I get an explanation?

Your indignation feels unjust.

I wasn't asking you for a reason, 

I was just asking you for trust.

There are footprints in the backyard,

leading down into the lake.

Perhaps they're just an echo

of a long, undone mistake.

But I followed them completely, 

until the water reached my waist.

Now I'm standing in the current

hoping it will wash my sins away.

May I have some understanding?

The condemnation feels unfair.

I wasn't looking for forever, 

but I did hope you'd still be there. 

There's a blood stain on the carpet

just next to the open door.

I've been washing it for hours, 

but the stain's forevermore. 

Do you think it is O+, or A-, maybe? 

There's a gaping wound over my heart,

Yes, the blood may be from me.

Could you give me some compassion?

It seems your passion's for the drink.

I wasn't asking you to stop,

just to pour the bottle down the sink.

There’s an echo in my memory 

Of a violent early past 

I keep trying to avoid it 

But the scars were sure to last

I have covered them with makeup 

I have mastered a disguise 

But, when they look within me 

They will see it’s all just lies 

96

It's okay...

But I'm not going to sit here

and be who you want me to be

Just because you want me to be it.

It's okay...

But I think I'll define myself

in my own way

not in the way that

you wish that I would see it.

It's okay...

But, I'll take the path

that I choose

not the one that you used

just because you've already seen it.

It's okay...

That you wish I did things your way.

But to you, I must say...

It's not okay.

That you won't let me define myself my own way

just because it isn't how you choose to believe it. 

95

The small pieces of lint clumped in my pocket keep tricking me into thinking that they are something exciting.

Like a long lost pair of favorite earrings or half disintegrated love note, heck even some spare change, got lost in the pocket of this coat. My fingers find the ball of lint, once again, and I can’t help but pull it out to look at it. As if, perhaps, this time it will be something I want it to be. No. It’s still lint. But, if you look closely, it’s kind of shaped like a dog. 🐕 

94

Sometimes, missing you is all-consuming

Other times, I forget

to miss you in the morning, or in the evening

or even when I've slept

I suppose it doesn't matter, 

because you're not out there missing me

You see a sparkle of my memory

in the corner of your eye

and blink hard to remove the dust

before I occupy your mind

It's okay, it's better that way

if I could blink you out, 

I would

without a doubt,

I would

 

93 - Something more than this

How do you feel about

God and other monsters?

What about life 

and the dichotomy of death?

I want to get a sense of how your brain works, 

yet I fear that it may lack a sense of depth. 

Tell me, is the green of the grass 

the same to you, to me, to them,

or does one of us see what I call purple

while others' blue or red

Do these questions make you stumble?

Do they roll straight through your head?

Do you stay up at night and wonder, 

what power the earth has left...

Are we merely just an atom

on the back of some large dog

in a far and distant universe 

our electrons, Pluto and Mars?

Do you wonder what the meaning, 

of this restless life must be, 

is it settled in the stars, 

that you would collide with me?

Or, are we out here wandering, 

of our own free will of chance?

Choosing whether we stand still, 

or make the choice to dance.

To dance

to dance 

to sparkle

to see a full color 

abiss 

to spin 

to laugh 

to desire 

well, 

something more 

than this.

91

I've been wandering lightly

in the silence of the night

Looking into the shadows

to ensure all is just right 

I've been wondering lightly

if the world's come undone

if my fear it'll unravel 

has yet finally begun 

I've been pondering lightly 

through the smoke and the haze

if the worry will haunt me

for the rest of my days

I've been screaming quite loudly 

through the breaking of dawn 

the world's ending around me

can't you see what they've done

I've been flailing and ranting 

like an absolute fool

no one will listen

there's nothing I can do

I've been wandering lightly 

through the dark of my cell

if I can just slip out

perhaps all will be well

I've been wondering lightly 

back out in the world

all the nightmares are realized 

yes, the wreckage unfurled 

I've been waiting and waiting 

to just slip away

but all that remains here

is a sea of decay 

I'm still screaming and ranting 

is it worth the cost?

Is it just in my head, 

or has all already been lost...

92

Do you see the world in color,

Or is still in black and white? 

If you can’t feel the caress of the ocean blue, 

How can you sleep at night? 

Do you know if mountains crumble 

In ebony and grey 

It seems without the greens, golds, and browns

It would look just like decay 

Perhaps the subtle hint of light

That’s shining through the clouds 

Parades a ray of enough white 

to make the black profound 

But, it still seems too bad to never know 

The blues, the orange, yellow, red 

A sunrise in the morning 

A sunset overhead 

Maybe your life is simpler 

Perhaps it’s less unbound 

Yet, something would be missing 

Without the joy of color 

All around 

90

Glass slippers

And the right to say, “no”

I didn’t ask what you wanted

I just asked to let go 

In the weight of the friction 

The motion is void 

I’d have turned down the music 

But I’m lost in the noise 

Did you feel it? 

The static that clings

To your bones

It’s a bit too dramatic

Like a scream through the phone 

They say it’ll kill you 

The passion 

The fun 

But with the clock striking midnight 

All that’s left 

Is to run 

89

I like your disposition
Your intuition 
What a mess

To think I got stuck 

in indecision

Now, I am clinically obsessed

I guess its just the makings 

of a mistake 

that hasn't happened yet

It's just the makings 

of a memory

I'll wish I could forget

I guess

I guess 

I guess

88

Put your hands where I can see them.

You are soaking, out of breath

Did you come here looking for a reason?

Because, I regret, there's not one left. 

You may take me for an angel, 

but there's a devil in my soul. 

With your fists around my heart, 

it's just begging you let go. 

Can you see my legs are shaking? 

I'm trying not to run. 

But this experiment is over. 

I fear this is no longer fun. 

87

Her eyes are like starships

her body, a myth

it would be pure magic

for just one kiss to her lips

she's not singing for comfort

she's not dancing for you

she just wants to be recognized 

as something otherworldly and true

maybe she's a goddess

mybe just a piece of the abyss

as she ebbs closer to you

it's her touch you will miss

she's not lying for clarity 

she's not crying for truth 

she just wants to exist 

as some small part of you 

could you love her forever

or maybe just for the day 

is the love in the wanting 

as she's walking away 

her eyes are like glaciers

her body, the sky 

she unearths a full mystery 

with just the glint of her eye

could you love her forever

or maybe just for the day 

is the love in the wanting 

as she's walking away 

86

You say the sky's the limit

What, babe, if I'm the sky?

You say there's nothing up there.

How could we ever get so high?

I say you look pretty inconsequential 

sitting down there 

on the ground.

I told you to find another way

to get here

without going all the way around.

You stare at me and laugh, 

laugh so loud 

you cry,

and I know I'll stay alone

up here 

with those tears of failure

shining in your eyes.

It wasn't that hard,

just fall and think of the stars

All the sudden you're projected 

floating way past even Mars

but your mind is too caught 

On the confines of gravity 

You’d rather stay locked

To the fear 

Of depravity

85

You believe the god your maker

You believe the god your friend 

And yet, as you betray her 

You leave will leave the god 

In the end 

84

What if I met you at the end,

and told you the beginning was a lie? 

Would you still hold my hand,

or recommend we switch sides?

For the sand is running down to the bottom.

Yes, I fear we are soon out of time. 

What if I told you at the end, 

that all I really wanted was to try? 

Would you yell?

Would you scream?

Would you cry?

What if I told you at the end

that I just had to do it to get by?

For the wind in my hair is a nuisance

and I seem to have forgotten the tie.

Yet the freedom it brings to my conscience

is worth the discomfort every time. 

What if I told you at the end,

that I just want to be free in this life?

What if I hold your hand, 

and ask you to never ask why. 

What if I met you at the end...

And asked you to love me for life. 

83

Is it better to be loved,

Or to be desired?

What if I want both...

I'm sitting here by myself

tired of the line

between who 

I'm supposed to be

and who I am

Who I want to be

and who I'm not

I have so much to give

and too much to take

I can't forgive myself

for my mistakes

But, I'd give it all away 

for a single day 

of feeling fully found 

even when I'm trying 

desperately 

to run away

82

Why don't I tell you that I love you

with my hand next to the gun

I can't tell you it was worth it

But, damn if it wasn't fun

Why don't you tell me that you need me 

with your fingers on my neck

you can feel my heavy breathing 

as you wisper I'm the one

Is there fear in the rejection

or hope in letting go

some slight relief in the submission

the desire to succumb 

Is there light in the idea

or darkness in the pain

as you lay right here beside me

I keep whispering your name

Why don't I push the gage up to 100

As I lay out for you my heart 

with the engine reving, adreniline 

can you tell the two apart

Why don't you push me toward the edge 

as you give to me your soul 

surly the fear of the rejection 

can't be worse than letting go

81 - Nine Lives

She has nine lives

and a pocket full of sadness

This once she almost died

(Eight Lives)

Mistook the fear for madness

She works hard

But she's always behind

She lives large

yet she's trying to get by 

Can you see the shimmer 

just a glimmer 

of fear 

Still in her eye

Can you see the reflection 

of a girl who knows her worth 

In the confines of her mind

She has seven lives 

and heart so full 

it's breaking 

This could be the moment 

she is ripe for the taking

She smiles big 

But cries in the dark 

she stokes the flames

but seems to have lost the spark

Can you see the flicker 

of her imagination die

Can you see the indignation 

as she fights

to keep her dreams alive 

She has five lives 

and a soul so wild 

it flows out of the shadows 

into the reality that 

Nothing really matters 

Can she make it through the decades 

Through the heartbreaks 

And the rules 

through society 

and its shackles 

Can she make it back to you?

Would you want her...

if she were to?

80

Do you owe the universe your soul? 

Should it belong to the ether and the void?

Does some god claim it?

Or, do you think you get a choice? 

Will the earth collect your body,

And restore it to the trees?

Will it use it to fill oceans 

And place salt throughout the seas?

Do you think that you’ll evaporate?

A wisp lost in thin air, 

Floating forever all around us 

Yet never truly there 

Do you owe to life your being?

Is it written in the stars?

While we seek for hope and meaning, 

Will our choices take us far?

79

Don’t let the world tell you 

That you aren’t worth your snuff

It’ll beat you 

It’ll shake you

It’ll say you’re not enough 

But, who is it to say such things 

Who are you to care 

For the only one 

To prove your worth 

Is in the mirror 

Standing there 

78

Tell me something I don’t know

Or, was it something I forgot? 

With your hands around her waist,

I fear it might be worth the cost 

Of subtly forgetting 

The way the distance tastes

The acrid smell of bitter betrayal 

Realization, there’s a snake

That slithered through my psyche 

Through the hollows of my mind 

And worked its way inside my brain 

Where it surly tried to hide 

Now it feeds me shadows 

Glimmers of a past 

That might just come to take me 

If I can’t make this moment last 

And recognize the reason 

His hands aren’t around my waist 

The bitter taste of treason 

Or was it my mistake? 

77

Are you living to ski 

Or skiing to live? 

Does it matter, 

If the snow is power?

If the sky is so blue 

That that sun sparkles true 

Against the vast white escapes 

Spread out in front of you.

If the wind on your back 

Sends you flying 

Over the tracks 

Toward a view so spectacular 

That it must be true 

Life on the mountain 

Is all you want to do 

76

Is it because of the sunset 

That you cry in the rain 

Or simply the ambiance

Of a dark cloudy day 

Do you think it’s the river 

That slowly flows by 

On its way to deliver 

The rain back to the sky 

Or perhaps it’s the mountains 

Their exterior rough 

So epic and cresting 

The world at its top 

Oh, tell me it’s flowers 

That dance in the field 

All the beautiful colors 

You can’t help but to feel 

That the world is amazing 

The creatures the light 

While we’re out star gazing 

It’s saying good night 

75

I’ve been holding my breath

You’ve been holding your heart 

In the silence of the darkness 

I can’t tell the two apart 

I’ve been catching my dreams 

You still don’t know when yours start 

Sitting here in the shadows 

It seems it can’t be this hard 

We’ve been learning our language 

Can you translate the lines? 

It seems details are missing 

Is my understanding behind? 

We’ve been asking for patience

When what we both need is time 

I’m not sure if you’re ready

But, hell, neither am I 

74

I don’t remember what she was wearing 

Or if her bill was paid

Just that her legs were legendary 

As I watched her

Walk away 

73

It’s a full moon on a Thursday 

A light breeze in the month of May 

You forgot what it was 

That you wanted to say 

But the magic caught up to you 

By the light of day 

Anyway, 

I hope you find it

The good at the end of the story

There has to be more to this 

Wild life

Than waking up 

Saying you’re sorry 

There has to be more to this

Wild life than chasing some 

Unforeseen glory 

72

He tells me I’m his soul mate

From a couch across the state 

Haven’t seen him in 12 years

And never did we date

Has a wife and baby 

I ask why he thinks of me 

He says that I’m his dream girl 

I say, that is because 

I’m not your reality 

He asks me if I think of him 

I tell him a straight lie 

For he only comes up in my head

When his messages fly by 

He asks if he’s my soul mate

Definitely no 

But I just send a laughing face 

The idea girl 

Ya know 

71

Did you know her?

Did you love her?

Did you think she was the best?

Did you need her?

Did you want her?

God, why did you protest

to the layers of her soul

that she laid out for you 

on the floor

as the shambles of her being 

came falling 

down 

down

down

Did you hear her?

Did you see her?

Did you know that she was there?

Did you miss her?

Could you feel her,

when she was disappeared into thin air?

When she had run for the mountains

she had chased the winters home

she had climbed the pyres 

just to finally 

be alone.

And you didn't even notice

no, you didn't even care 

you looked on for someone's shadow 

that was lost

flying through the air

it wasn't even her shape

it wasn't even true 

it was a glimmer 

of an idea

known only to you

Did you want her?

Did you get her?

Did you realize she was real?

Did you understand 

or even try 

to see 

how did she feel?

Was it a nice idea?

the one you formed 

of her in your head

was she everything you wanted

while someone else lied 

in your bed

God, just admit it

go ahead.

70

Did you know I loved you outright

and a little bit on fire?

Did you know I tried to stay with you, 

but you turned out to be a liar.

You said you'd love me soundly,

You said you'd love me long,

You said we had the kind of love 

that would last through it all.

You said...

You were wrong.

The moment it got tough, dear,

it turned out you didn't care,

When I became a shell casing 

of a creature barely there, 

my heart and soul had left the place

I was a shadow, just a ghost

And you didn’t really see me 

When I needed you the most 

And true, it wasn’t fair to you 

It was me who broke your heart 

But, I wish you could have shown me 

You still loved me from the start 

69

Catch the whisper

On the ripples 

Of the waves 

Come crashing by 

Here the voices 

In the echos 

Of clouds 

High in the sky 

Did you see it?

Did you hear it?

If you know it, 

Tell me why,

Is it always 

Asking questions 

As the world 

Spins slowly by 

68

It’s not love 

It’s imagination 

Don’t get the two confused 

In your heart it’s 

Infatuation 

But, the one surly will decay 

Can you dream up a better ending? 

Do you see shimmers of light? 

Could it be the best pretending, 

Is done in the middle of the night.

Perhaps you won’t grow weary 

Of this imitated farse

If the animations 

Come through clearly 

Love could just be 

A work of art 

67

There’s a beacon of familiarity 

As he walks across the room 

Like a light shown straight upon me 

A lens set high in zoom 

He approaches me with swiftness 

The onlookers a wake 

As he glides in through the masses 

His eyes still on my face 

I didn’t think he’d still remember 

That dark and restless night 

When I put him back together 

Held his factures while he cried 

I’m just another martyr 

A woman in disguise 

I didn’t stand to think 

That I could be recognized 

66

Do you think you could love me, 

for the long run?

I mean, even when it's not fun.

When the nights are dark

and I have lost my heart

for finding things appealing.

When I am sad and complicated 

and need you to hold me 

despite my edges, 

so sharp that they 

cut like knives 

against your thighs, 

and I'm screaming for my life.

Could you take it?

Would you want me then?

When I can't swim,

and you have to save me 

in an ocean filled with sharks

and decay.

Would it be worth the pain,

or would you leave me 

there to drown 

on my own,

alone?

I've been left before.

On the ground screaming 

for more more more,

but that person walked away

and I got up.

When he came back, 

he was out of luck.

See, I have learned to be 

what I need 

for me,

and sometimes that is adverse

to having company,

to believing that someone 

else could truly 

love me for myself, 

and not the easy going person

I am trying to be

in all honesty 

she's just a partial version 

of who I would be...

If I actually, 

trusted you 

to love me.