tie die v-neck and cut off shorts

tie die v-neck and cut off shorts
bike grease on my legs
but at least it's not dirt.

drinking iced coffee in a cafe scene
guy beside me is wayyyy to clean.

i can't remember what it's like to be free,
but i know come tomorrow i almost will be.

hair back and eyes wide as the moon,
my thoughts are too big for my head to consume.

forth piece of gum,
wrappers sit in a pile.
man across the room shoots me a smile.

Sunshine in the windows
cars skirting by
all i really want is to be outside.

grugginly go back to my paper again,
can't believe one more page
and it will be the end.

just yesterday i was a scared little freshmen
now i'll be a senior..
leaving again.

outside a guys hair blows in the breeze,
i just need to focus on the simple things.

tie die v-neck and cut off shorts,
bike grease on my legs
but it could be worse.

still myself..
just more diverse.

pain of relief

She forgets there's air
when she wakes up breathing
(you never notice something
until it isn't there)

she never heard the silence
until they started screaming
(it's a price for peace
but no one pays the fare)

somewhere, sometime, in the depth below
rises reasons that you din't know.
she feels her skin,
but forgets her sole.
what really matters
hides deep below.

She smiles now
but something's wrong
she remembers words
but not the tune to the song.

holding hands before was always enough
but now to her the hand feels rough.

she never felt the cut
yet now it bleeds
(sometimes pain is hiding
far beneath)

she cries in the dark
(but can't tell why)
mascara dripping from her eyes.

is it real out there?
the wind and snow,
the sun shine she will never know.
can you feel the pain
or is it relief that hurts,
she worries that she's
...
something worse.

Just another picture I drew during the Vag. Mons. Midwifery education talk. I thought it kinda went with the Mother's Day post : ).

For my Mom:

Whether laughing in the sunshine.

Or tears in the rain.

I know that your beside me,

as my mother and my friend.

In the days when were together,

and the times when were apart,

I hope that your aware,

Your always in my heart.

Though the path of life is rocky,

and road has many bends.

I know that I can count on you

through the thick and thin.

I'm sorry I can't be there,

to celebrate today..

but I hope you know

I love you,

and 

I'm here for you either way.

Thank you Mommy for being such a wonderful Mother, friend, and positive influence in my life. I really cherish all that you do for me and the bond we have. I wish i could be home to celebrate with you today, but since i can't I want you to know that I miss you and I'm thinking about you! We will definitely have to do a rain check Mother's day when I come home. 

I hope your having a wonderful day, and I love you <3

Love,

Eden

again and again

so here we are again. Thank you eden for never wanting anything you can have and always wanting everything you can't. Even.. even if your caught by surprise and get more than you thought you wanted, which lets face it, happens more frequently than not, you still want more and then are disappointed.

it's like you said, "o i can never have that"... and all i really want is a sip. Like oo i'll never be able to try chocolate soda.. it doesn't exist. Then, all the sudden, bam there it is and someone is handing you a glass. All you want is a sip right? So you take a sip.... and guess what??
Yea.
You want more. Awesome.
Probably would have been better off to keep thinking there's no way in hell you could ever have it. Now you know you can.

Know you can, but then you can't. What the..!!!???

Enough. I'm going back to sipping water and being happy.. but am I happy? Am I satisfied with that, same old.. that self assuring..
no. not really.

and if i could have it. If i actually got a whole glass. Endless glasses even...

would i even want it anymore?

or would i decide a sip was all i could really handle..

ugh. i want my cake. i want to have it and eat it. i also want it to want me..

that doesn't even make sense.

Awesome. Good job eden..

you did it again.

loosing hope

I want to say that I believe in love. That the soul connects so strongly with someone else’s that they become the essence of it and you the essence of theirs…

I want to say that love at first sight is real. That the term “soul mates” is a not far fetched.

I like these ideas. I like what they imply. The princess and the prince charming. The happily ever after.

But…

I just don’t.

I know that in reality there is always conflict. That no matter what it isn’t completely happily ever after. That the point is to find someone who you care more about to stick beside through the thick and thin, the good and bad, the ups and downs.

I understand that.

But…

I’m having trouble buying that as well…

Yes, millions of people are happily married and have been for years. I need to focus on them, on that love, on that connection…

But are only certain people capable of such things?

Is there someone for all of us? Or is just the willingness to say ok, I give in, you’ll do…

And what if I can’t do that. What if I will always only strive beyond my reach and run from those reaching for me?

I write a paper on divorce. Divorce cycle and the advanced likelihood of children from divorced families to get a divorce themselves, or not even get married…

Being a child of two generations of divorce on both sides… this prospect is very grim.

I know I am only twenty-one and have a long long way to go and a lot of people to meet…

But…

Frankly, I am afraid.

Afraid that I am a product of my world. A socially constructed instrument to follow or lash out against the cards dealt in my life.

I want to have hope. I do.

But…

The further into life I go, the more cautious I become and the more stubborn. I can’t let my guard down, can’t give up the “self” that solely belongs to me.

I see other people unhappily married, divorced, or wishing they had married that person lost long ago. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to regret, to wake up every morning next to someone, wishing they were someone else.

I am afraid these fears will keep me from letting someone in. afraid of being afraid. afraid of being too brave.

But I refuse to do it too. I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I don’t want to do that to my kids. I don’t want to have a loveless marriage either though. I don’t want to feel stuck.

Is it possible to really find someone you wake up to, happy or sad, good or bad, and truly know deep down that it’s worth it to wake up next to them? To still have sex after ten, twenty, thirty, fifty, sixty… years and do it because you love them and not just because they are there?

Is love real. Romantic love that is… and if it is… is it possible to be forever.

I hope so.