loosing hope

I want to say that I believe in love. That the soul connects so strongly with someone else’s that they become the essence of it and you the essence of theirs…

I want to say that love at first sight is real. That the term “soul mates” is a not far fetched.

I like these ideas. I like what they imply. The princess and the prince charming. The happily ever after.

But…

I just don’t.

I know that in reality there is always conflict. That no matter what it isn’t completely happily ever after. That the point is to find someone who you care more about to stick beside through the thick and thin, the good and bad, the ups and downs.

I understand that.

But…

I’m having trouble buying that as well…

Yes, millions of people are happily married and have been for years. I need to focus on them, on that love, on that connection…

But are only certain people capable of such things?

Is there someone for all of us? Or is just the willingness to say ok, I give in, you’ll do…

And what if I can’t do that. What if I will always only strive beyond my reach and run from those reaching for me?

I write a paper on divorce. Divorce cycle and the advanced likelihood of children from divorced families to get a divorce themselves, or not even get married…

Being a child of two generations of divorce on both sides… this prospect is very grim.

I know I am only twenty-one and have a long long way to go and a lot of people to meet…

But…

Frankly, I am afraid.

Afraid that I am a product of my world. A socially constructed instrument to follow or lash out against the cards dealt in my life.

I want to have hope. I do.

But…

The further into life I go, the more cautious I become and the more stubborn. I can’t let my guard down, can’t give up the “self” that solely belongs to me.

I see other people unhappily married, divorced, or wishing they had married that person lost long ago. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to regret, to wake up every morning next to someone, wishing they were someone else.

I am afraid these fears will keep me from letting someone in. afraid of being afraid. afraid of being too brave.

But I refuse to do it too. I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I don’t want to do that to my kids. I don’t want to have a loveless marriage either though. I don’t want to feel stuck.

Is it possible to really find someone you wake up to, happy or sad, good or bad, and truly know deep down that it’s worth it to wake up next to them? To still have sex after ten, twenty, thirty, fifty, sixty… years and do it because you love them and not just because they are there?

Is love real. Romantic love that is… and if it is… is it possible to be forever.

I hope so.